September 19, 2015


The Boyfriend just bought Mad Max: Fury Road because 1. he was never not buying it 2. it was pretty epic. There's a moment where (some spoilers ahead) one of the war boys tells the big bad boss man he's going to get the boss man's runaway wives back and be a hero, and likely die in the process because, strangely, that's the goal. War boy leaps off boss man's car onto the getaway war tanker the wives are in, but slips and it isn't as glorious as it was supposed to be. Boss man laughs loudly at his failure and shouts in his most evil boss man voice, "mediocre!" The look on the poor war boy's face as they drive away is crushing. 

The Boyfriend has been taking every opportunity to call out things for being "mediocre!" since re-watching it. And he laughs to himself. It's pretty cute. 

Not because of the movie or anything, but I've been feeling very mediocre. For quite a while, actually. There's so much emphasis on greatness and excellence both in my job and in the community I participate in, but instead of feeling empowered all I can see are my flaws and how I don't stack up to my coworkers and colleagues and people I respect. Even many of my friends are doing something they're passionate about, or, at the very least, are providing an important service to society. They're more successful by pretty much every metric I can think of, and the kicker is a lot of them are younger. When I try I feel like I let others down far more often than I help them, and everyone's far too nice to point anything out. 

The thing is, I know all this. It isn't just being mopey or having low self esteem (though clearly that's at play, too). I'm not successful because I'm not passionate. I'm not following my dream, and I'm doing something I think I'm pretty good at for a company I respect, but I'm not raking in the dough or the praise. My motivation is praise and feeling like I'm helping someone but I'm not seeing that that's what I'm doing. In fact, my first real trial at my job was a total failure, and I tried so hard to make it succeed. And here comes fucking hindsight, showing me all the things I should have done differently.

I've been trying to think of how I can get involved doing what it is I want to be doing, whether that's volunteering, going to education route, or finding an in somewhere and being the low man on the totem pole for a few years. The problem is the thing I'm passionate about is something so many other people are passionate about that I'm not an asset. I'm mediocre at best. I know I have the potential to do great things and I really want to realize that potential, but convincing someone to take a chance on a 30-year old woman who just loves animals is so goddamn cliche it's hard to see how I'd stick out from all the other 20 and 30 year old women who just love animals. 

I was trying to wrap this up with a takeaway but I don't have one. I have other work to do today in an attempt to be better at my job. Netflix has a culture that only allows excellence; good or adequate gets you fired because they have the best of the best applying. While they're answering emails and solving problems around the clock I'm getting Thai food takeout with The Boyfriend and playing with the bun. I'm happy at home, but I somehow feel guilty for it.