Grad school is lonely

My first grad school selfie, taken after spending 6 hours at the hippo exhibit for a research project.

Grad school is lonely. Yeah you meet a bunch of new people all doing similar things and you think you have this awesome community (which you do) but you’re all grad students with lives and jobs and homework and no one has time to hang out. You don’t have time to hang out. You can’t even make it to the once a year happy hour because it’s at an inconvenient time or place and it’s your only Saturday off.

I'm not gonna lie - the last two years brought some hard times. It wasn’t just having to turn down social events because all my time and money was going to class. I left my well-paying job (which allowed me to pay for grad school) because I couldn’t handle the stress. I was in a car accident that left me without a car. I had 0 dollars thanks to a lower stress but much lower paying job and didn’t work for the month I was in Africa. We got kicked out of our house because our landlady wasn’t paying her mortgage and the investment company that bought the house wanted to flip it. After weeks of searching and either finding crap options, too expensive options, or being turned down due to pets, we’re in a small but nice apartment and paying an extra couple hundred a month. I took on an extra class and had one month where I was technically taking 11 units. There were multiple months where I didn’t run even once (forget yoga).

And that was just in 2018.

Me most Friday and Saturday nights. Happy here because animals.

It’s like having a kid. Your whole life changes, but everyone else goes on without you. My relationship changed, I was back on a school schedule, I’m perpetually exhausted, barely see friends and had no impromptu get togethers, and my grad school friends were either just as busy and broke or both those things in addition to being actual parents (how did they manage that???). Hearing “I don’t know how you do it” for working and schooling full time didn’t help, because I didn’t know. The Boyfriend makes dinner and cleans up and I spend 22 minutes with him a day (the amount of time it takes to watch an episode of Parks and Rec while we ate dinner). I get jealous when he has a lazy weekend napping with the animals or going out with friends.

But it's all coming to an end. In a month from today I'll be in Ohio with my classmates, walking across the stage to get our diplomas. I'm looking forward to it, especially to getting my social life back, to being a more present girlfriend, and to focusing on wellness and mental health. But I also know that despite feeling lonely and stressed AF for 2.5 years I’ll miss it. I’ve loved every minute of learning and reading and talking with my cohort members about conservation. Even the long, boring, technical articles contributed to my understanding of what people around the world were doing. Not to mention, it led me to Africa, where I finally saw wild, healthy elephants. Lots of them. (I touched some. Seriously, I almost died of happiness.) I know that in January when the holidays are over and life returns to normal that I’ll feel this emptiness.

I have truly found my people.

In addition to planning a bunch of trips for next year, I have another new way I'll fill my time and hopefully continue learning about conservation: I just started a new job with The Nature Conservancy! I'm so proud and excited to have reached my goal of working in conservation before even graduating. I also hope that I can keep the connection to my cohort and surround myself with those who share a mission-driven purpose and believe in the importance of conservation. The biggest thing I learned has been that conservation isn't for the animals - it's for us. Our very survival depends on what we do in the next 10 years, and I'll be working hard to do my part.

Of Goats and Cheetahs

It’s weird to think that my favorite memory of my time at Cheetah Conservation Fund in Namibia is the model farm. It’s not like I’ve never been to a farm or that this farm was particularly spectacular. It was really just a big dirt pen, a couple of ranch hands, a dog, and a lot of goats and sheep. But it was a beautiful, clear day and we got to spend it outside, and who doesn’t love farm animals?

I love farm animals but they don't always love me.

Though it might seem odd that a cheetah conservation organization has a farm in the first place, the farm has an incredibly important function. Without a working farm, any recommendations made by CCF staff to Namibian farmers would not come from a place of experience (and would sound downright preachy) and would likely be ignored. How would you react if some foreigner came to your house and told you to change your way of life to protect a pest animal they seem to care too much about?

Fortunately, the CCF team, led by Dr. Laurie Marker, figured that wasn’t going to work. Their model farm is the solution, allowing the organization to show farmers that predator-friendly livestock management techniques work - a farmer that isn’t losing livestock is less likely to kill cheetahs either in retaliation or as a preventative measure.

These had very thick tails that provided extra fat reserves.

Farmers vs cheetahs
At CCF we learned that there’s often a lack of education among farmers regarding proper livestock management and cheetah behavior. This is especially important because 90% of Namibia’s cheetahs live on farmland (Marker, Mills, & MacDonald, 2003). Cheetahs also hunt during the day, so they’re more visible and blamed for livestock deaths more often. If a farmer is losing livestock to predators and all he sees are cheetahs, killing them seems the most obvious way to protect his flock and investment (Nattrass & Conradie, 2018).

With the model farm, CCF can physically show why that’s not a viable long-term solution. Further, they provide in-person farmer training and education on predator-friendly livestock management techniques and cheetah behavior. Cheetahs, it turns out, prefer to eat wild game than livestock (Boast et al., 2016). It’s more likely that livestock were killed by other predators, but farmers don’t see this because it happens at night when livestock are free to roam.

Part of farmer education: Who killed my goat? Fake dead goats demonstrate what predation by different species looks like.

Predator-friendly livestock management techniques
So what does the CCF farm do differently? First, they bring their livestock in at night. Leaving goats and sheep out in the field overnight is an invitation to an easy meal for any predator on the property. Second, pregnant, sick, injured, and young livestock are left in the kraal (fenced area) during the day. Any member of the flock that can’t keep up is a prime target for a predator, so keeping them protected lets them live to see another day. Third, a rancher is with the flock during the day. Having a rancher physically present in the field reduces the number of livestock lost to predators (Nattrass & Conradie, 2018). Fourth, the flock is accompanied by a guard dog - usually an Anatolian shepherd that was raised with the flock. This big dog is a big deterrent for predators (I’ve heard that booming bark and it is to be feared), especially for smaller livestock like goats (van Eeden et al., 2017). 

A rancher, a dog, and a flock of sheep and goats out grazing on a Namibian farm.

But why would farmers want cheetahs on their properties anyway? It goes back to cheetahs having a preference for wild game. A healthy cheetah population means wild game numbers are kept in check, ensuring enough grazing for everyone. Overgrazing leads to a lack of food for both livestock and wild game: if there isn’t enough wild prey the predators may turn to livestock. Overgrazing also allows an aggressive thorny bush to take over - reducing the amount of usable space on the farm. Plus, many farmers are turning towards eco-tourism activities to make extra money, and wild cheetahs are a huge draw.

All of these activities directly increase the amount of money a farmer can make from his property, ensuring survival of cheetahs. If farmers aren’t killing cheetahs on their properties, cheetah populations can grow and the ecosystem can maintain its balance. A major theme of my time at CCF (succinctly stated by CCF Farms Manager Johan Britz) was “if it pays it stays” and that holds true for any animal on Namibian farmland.

Citations:

Boast, L., Houser, A., Horgan, J., Reeves, H., Phale, P., & Klein, R. (2016). Prey preferences of free-ranging cheetah on farmland: Scat analysis versus farmers’ perceptions. African Journal of Ecology, 54, 424-433.

Marker, L., Mills, M., & MacDonald, D. (2003). Factors influencing perceptions of conflict and tolerance toward cheetahs on Namibian farmlands. Conservation Biology, 17(5), 1,290-1,298.

Nattrass, N., & Conradie, B. (2018). Predators, livestock losses, and poison in the South African Karoo. Journal of Cleaner Production, 194, 777-785. 

van Eeden, L., Crowther, M., Dickman, C., Macdonald, D., Ripple, W., Ritchie, E., & Newsome, T. (2017). Managing conflict between large carnivores and livestock. Conservation Biology, 32(1), 26-34.

Bouncing Back

In December I quit my job without having anything else lined up. I intentionally wanted to take some time off because I was overly stressed out. My time off would be at least partially no work and no school, and possibly school with no work, which I was really excited about. However, the spring semester started January 29, and on February 1 I started a new job. So, back at it.

Why this job? In early January I found out I was accepted to an optional course that will take me to Namibia. The course spans summer and fall (7 credits, holy shit) and includes 10 days in the country working with conservationists on a particular issue in that region. For Namibia, that means cheetah conservation. But it's expensive. The course is over $3,000 not including airfare or extra expenses (souvenirs, extra travel days, extra snacks, etc.). Obviously I'll want to travel to other countries while in Africa so I'm looking at $5,000 bare minimum. For what I'm getting it's actually very affordable (7 credits, a flight to the other side of the world, unheard of educational opportunity, and a visit to a place I've been dreaming about for decades), it's just a lot all at once. I've been saving for this so I'm set, but definitely couldn't keep living on my savings for funzies.

This job also comes with the title I've been wanting: content and communications coordinator. Far more than SEO manager, this title is something the nonprofit organizations I'm interested in actually hire for, so having this on my resume is going to be really helpful. This role will give me much more relevant social media experiences and involves the kind of writing I'd like to be doing.

One of the most appealing things about this job is the flexibility. It's slightly less than full time, meaning if I need to not work a full 40 hours I don't have to (which will be a massive break from my previous full-time-plus job), and I'll be working from home a lot of the time, which gives me back that commute time. When I do need to meet in-person it's in a co-working space in my own area, so I can walk or ride my bike. Win win win.

That said, I'm also taking my two regular classes plus an independent study, totaling 6 credits this semester (the most I've ever taken at once was 5). Soooo I'm a little nervous that I've over extended myself.

Which brings me to the title of this post: bouncing back. It's kind of two-fold. I'm back to working and schooling, so I fully anticipate the same level of stress I quit my job to avoid. But it also means I very likely won't be doing much in the way of exercise. I didn't for several months in 2017 and it was brutal. I love running and miss it very much. The weight gain and general depressive state I'm in when not running suck, so running was one of my top priorities during my break (almost every day, even if it was only a mile). I also did a (very) little weight lifting with the free weights we have at home and loved the tone and strength my arms started to show. It's amazing how quickly my body bounces back after neglecting it for some time. I only had a month to really prioritize exercise and eating well and in that month lost some weight, fit better in my jeans, and felt good. Really good. Like I felt when I was running again after recovering from an ankle injury and surgery. I have a 5k next month, but by this time next year I'll be signed up for a bunch of races. It's encouraging that in only a month of running not even particularly far distances I'll feel great again, even after stopping for several months. Just need to remember that the yucky that I feel is temporary.

Edit: I ran that 5K faster than I've ever run anything! Finished under 25 minutes, which is a minute faster than I expected and two minutes faster than my goal. Felt really good to see that end time and be at the front-ish of the herd and to get the validation of the training paying off. Maybe a little extra good because it was raining, on a dirt and somewhat muddy trail, and I was wearing a tutu.

Quitting

This week I did something I've never done before: I voluntarily quit my job with nothing else lined up. As a planner and saver and general worrier, up and quitting my job is extremely unlike me. If I'm being honest, it's terrifying. Exciting and gratifying and freeing, but terrifying. But I didn't just say f-you to my bosses and walk out the door - I planned this for a few months. Longer, actually. Since starting grad school a year and a half ago I knew I probably wouldn't be able to keep up a full-time job throughout the whole program. At least not the full-time job I had (I not so affectionately called it "full-time-plus"). I'm in school to change my career path so I really want to give it my all, learn as much as I can, and hopefully get a job that gives more meaning to my life and allows me to give more of myself. I started to realize I wasn't excelling at either my day job or my classes. I needed to quit one, and it wasn't going to be school.

 A lot of lucky things happened to make this possible. The Boyfriend and I lucked out with cheap rent, we don't have a lot of expenses, and I made enough at my job to pay for school and still put money in savings. I have enough to live on for a few months and still not dip below my "don't touch this" threshold. The only thing that makes me nervous (and which I have cried about on more than one occasion) is that I worked really hard to build up that savings. It's modest - in the range of a down payment's down payment, but that and my car are all I've got to my name. The logical part of me says it's ridiculous to waste it on not having a job for a few months. But the logical part of me also understands that everything else was pretty bleak. Realizing the types of thoughts I was having (and some quick Googling on grad school and depression to validate those thoughts) was scarier than the thought of being voluntarily unemployed.

 I did know this was coming, but I was hoping to hold out until June 2018. That would have meant a solid 3 years at that job, another 6 months of savings, potentially leaving at a really busy time in my program, and a summer to not work. The breaking point was a new account at work. I'd asked to stay at the accounts I was currently managing - I felt I was barely keeping my head above water and a new account would sink me. This wasn't unreasonable, as I was meeting the standard for which we were judged for being considered "full". I was honest with my team and bosses about school, so they knew it wasn't out of laziness that I was asking for this. The new account I was given was sold to me as half an account - won't take much of my time, I can delegate most of the work, we just want to show them our capabilities. It didn't seem like a big deal, but that project quickly engulfed my time. In one week I spent over 30 hours on that project alone, all but ignoring my other accounts. I couldn't ignore them completely, so I worked a lot of overtime to make up for it, which meant I turned in some really crappy assignments for school, lost a lot of sleep, stopped exercising, and barely even got to see The Boyfriend or our pets. I was worn.

 After a not so great presentation with this account, my manager said I could have prioritized them more and not focused on school so much. Those words could not have been further from the truth. Fortunately, I said so, but it was in that moment I knew my efforts were not enough and would never be enough. Here I am, feeling like I'm giving my all, stressed the fuck out and not doing well in other aspects of my life because of this one client, and that still wasn't good enough. So I gave my notice the next week. I gave almost two months notice. I didn't have anything else lined up and I knew the company was already short-staffed, so why not? It was a relatively awkward two months... I don't recommend giving that much notice - give a month but not more. But the shitty part was two of my accounts weren't staffed until two weeks before my last day, so I was still scrambling to get everything in order. I ended up leaving not very confident that my replacement on those two would be able to renew the projects, but, as The Boyfriend reminded me a few times, it wasn't my problem. This job was not my passion. It seems that to do it well you either need to be truly passionate about SEO and/or not have any other hobbies or interests so you can spend your nights and weekends working. For some people that's dandy, but not for me.

 Today is the first day I would have normally been working. I cleaned and set up my home desk, took care of some personal paperwork I hadn't gotten to for weeks, finished a book, cleaned the kitchen, got lunch with The Boyfriend, finished my late Christmas shopping, and went on a really long walk with a friend and the pups. I even already had a phone interview with another agency, but it doesn't sound like a good fit for me (same stress, less money, no thanks). I'm looking forward to being a better girlfriend than I have been the last several months, getting back to exercising regularly, reading more, and prepping for my independent study in January. I've gone back and forth as to whether or not quitting my job is a good idea, and I may go back and forth some more, but today I'm feeling good about it. I want to feel like a human being again and enjoy the things that make my life full, and I just wasn't able to do that before.

My Turn: Or, Why You Shouldn't Ask Rude Questions

After a year and a half of being engaged and 8 years together, my sister got married this weekend. She planned a gorgeous ceremony and reception with countless small details and personal touches. The DJ and photographers were amazing, family friends expertly coordinated, and the venue was stunning. She asked both sisters to walk her down the aisle and I could not have been more proud to play such an important role in helping her start this new chapter of her life. We partied well into the night, she got a bus to take us back to the hotel, and even booked out a whole boutique hotel for her closest friends and family for the whole weekend. They took care of everything and everyone for two whole days. I couldn't stop hearing about what a wonderful wedding it was, and how fun it was, and how beautiful we all looked (especially my sister).

Unfortunately I also kept hearing some variation of "so when is it your turn?" The Boyfriend and I have gotten this question more than once. Weddings bring out the best and worst in people, and my well-meaning relatives just want the next event to be excited about. It didn't help that The Boyfriend was the officiant... Normally I shrug and say we're not in a rush - and I did tell a few relatives to focus on this one before thinking of the next one. Fortunately also my youngest sister had eyes for the DJ and made it known she might be next. Being older, in a serious long term relationship, and both of us being in this wedding added more pressure.

 This is probably the most un-feminist thing I've ever written. I'm embarrassed by what I'm about to write, but am going to because we have this culture where it's not acceptable for women to talk about all this. This time it bothered me more because I actually really want to get married. I always liked the idea of getting married and figured I would as long as I was sure it was right. I've known for a very long time that I want The Boyfriend to someday be The Husband, but because we aren't having kids there's no pressure to hurry. Plus, my sister and her husband have been together longer, I'm in grad school and do not have wedding-planning-level free time, and I really wanted to not get married in my 20s. But "boyfriend" makes the relationship seem temporary or unimportant. We live together, have animals together, our families and friends know this is it. But if we decided to not get married and simply be together without the formality I'd be fine with that, too. I don't need to be legally married, and part of me thinks that might help with the bit of anxiety I have over the permanence of marriage.

So why did it bother me this weekend? The only answer I have is the timing. The Boyfriend and I talk about getting married all the goddamn time. He's a wedding photographer so he's seen the intimate details of of hundreds weddings. When he tells me about them he'll say why he would or would not want to do that for our wedding. We've basically already planned our wedding through these small conversations - all we'd really need to do is book the things. We also couldn't do anything until my sister was married, which I didn't think she would take a year and a half. Now that the coast is finally clear, I'm about to head into my last year of grad school which is going to be the busiest. If we get married in the next year I probably won't be able to enjoy much of it - I'm already stressed to the max between work and school, how could I fit a wedding in? But the alternative is waiting at least another year, and we've talked about moving away when I graduate because there aren't jobs for me in San Diego. We'd either have to plan a wedding long distance or ask everyone to spend a ton of money flying for it.

There's one more reason this bothered me this weekend. I can't help but wonder if getting married is actually a priority. We talk about it and I know it is, so why the doubts? I didn't like not having an answer for the questions. It's frustrating to be asked that, like we haven't talked about it. What do people expect me to say when they ask when I'm getting married? What if we weren't on the same page about marriage and you're bringing up a sore issue? My sister told everyone she was waiting until she got her master's - but I don't want that to be my answer. Not only is it not true necessarily, but I don't want a wedding to follow my degree like I checked a box. My generation is more educated than any other generation so a master's is almost at the same level as a bachelor's was: first you get your bachelor's then you get your master's then you marry your live-in boyfriend. I'm not just checking some box - this degree really matters to me. Maybe no one else actually thinks this way, but it still bothers me.

So next time you feel that awkward silence of not having anything to talk about with a relative you don't actually know that well, try your best to not go for the personal questions. Don't ask why someone isn't married yet, or when the wedding is if there isn't even an engagement yet. Don't ask someone why they aren't pregnant yet or when the kids are coming (ever, guys - that could be extremely hurtful if someone has been trying). It's ok to make small talk about the weather or, if you're currently at a wedding, how beautiful it is, how beautiful the bride is, how much fun you're having. And if you're at a wedding, don't ask about the next wedding. Enjoy the current one. I'm sure you mean well, that all you want is to see your relative happy and settled (barf) or happy and a parent (double barf), but maybe think for a second about how the person might take it.