September 23, 2010

Being A Girl

The best picture I had of me being a girl. It's called, "Om nom nom."

I hemmed and hawed over whether I should write girl or woman... I picked girl because half the time I still don't consider myself more woman than girl, and even the strongest most adult women have girly moments. Especially when it comes to boys.

It's so easy for a woman to say she hates being female. We have to deal with periods (which suck), we have greater burdens in society (see my earlier post about it being cool that you have a career but not as cool as having a family), we want so badly to please whatever man we're with that we ignore our own needs, and when some man disappoints us in some way we're all torn up about it. That last part is true no matter what the situation is: good and not so good men disappoint women, women who often deserve more because of that desire to please. (Granted, this is not a 100% universal truth, but I bet you know more than a handful of people who can attest.)

I'm not quite sure what it is about me that makes me follow this pattern, but in my rather limited dating experience I've managed to pick boyfriends those close to me don't necessarily like. There was one certain boy who seemed to charm everyone, but that didn't last long and those close to me didn't get to know him well. But my most recent love interest was much trickier: something in me knew not to trust him, knew there was something deeper that I wouldn't appreciate, but that damn accent and charming smile and shared love for nature that we could discuss for hours roped me in. Thing about this particular situation was I knew it was temporary, so part of me wanted to ignore the overpowering rational side of me that was saying, "Caution!" and let the quiet romantic side of me take over. Goddamn rational side always wins these arguments. So, though I regret that there wasn't more time to get to know each other, the things we didn't do, the conversations we didn't have, I don't regret the decisions I made. And though I'm definitely pretty sad over the loss of someone I had feelings for, someone I considered a friend, and mostly upset that I am sad over those losses, I still love being a girl, emotions and all.

Feeling this sadness proves those romantic feelings in me exist, proves I took what time I had to get to know someone at least a little despite knowing it had a definite expiration date. It proves also that I can see the good in people, can recognize the talent and beauty in them. And that's what I appreciate. I know my friends are flawed, I know my family is flawed, I know I'm flawed. We all are, but I'm ready to see the best, give someone the benefit of the doubt, see everyone's glass as half full.

At least until you give me no reason to do so anymore. I'm not above writing people off... After all, I'm just a girl.

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