April 15, 2010


Looks like things are over before they ever really started for me. Turns out I'm ineligible to apply for other positions at the Society because I got a written warning for tardiness, even though the instance that pushed me into dangerous territory shouldn't have counted against me. The photo caravan position closes tomorrow, and I'm stuck in Flightlines until the end of July.

(Which, actually, is an interesting date. July 26th [or 27th?] is when I would be free of these restrictions and able to apply for other positions. That's also the one-year anniversary of The Break-Up. Dunno why, but that seems significant.)

The policies that are preventing me from applying for the job I'd do anything to get back are conspiring against me in the worst way. I wasn't hired into Flightlines until 3 weeks after I was laid off from photo caravans. Because of that gap, I was a new hire, rather than a department transfer. Because of that, my probation was 6 months instead of 3 months. During that probationary period I was cross trained in another department, and clocked in using a different machine. That machine didn't record my first swipe of the day, and that instance was my 4th instance of being tardy (even though I was there on time and the woman training me can vouch for that). Because that was my 4th instance of being tardy I got a formal written warning, which goes in my file and prevents me from being eligible for other positions for 6 more months. So here I am, thinking my tardies are cleared by May or June and my probation is done 2 weeks ago, and I'm stuck until the end of July, when summer is in full swing.

This morning I felt a little depressed, considering everything. Carrying around the dread of the department lead coming back doesn't help- if it weren't for him I might actually enjoy my job. I applied for a couple outside positions, got wrapped up in this damn book (it literally sucks you away from everything), and thought about why I feel so trapped.

At the very least I have a job. Two, actually. I have a job that I'm moving up in (at least a little bit), that pays the bills, that has some of the best coworkers I've ever had, and that keeps me active outside. And it won't end come fall. I need to hang on to those thoughts, hang on to anything that will keep me from remembering how happy I was last summer and how misfortune kept me from returning to it.

When I break it all down, though, I realize what I'm most frustrated with is being reminded that I still have no direction in where my life is going. Feeling mediocre at life is depressing. Even if I'm a guide, even if I'm a guide in photo caravans, I'm still giving tours at a zoo. I'm not the vet I dreamed of being when I was little, I'm not the journalist I dreamed of being in college. And now I don't have any dream at all.

Someone push me in the right direction, please. Tell me of something I can do that I won't get bored with, something that makes me happy, something that matters, something that pays the bills. I know I'll never be rich... but I at least want to be happy doing something worthwhile. Help?

1 comment:

  1. Whenever you get down just remember that there are hundreds of thousands of recent grads with even less prospects and less direction. Of course not to take happiness in the pain of others, but to know that it is absolutely NOT an issue of you being mediocre at life. We're all in it together. I only say this because the exact same thoughts run through my head every day.

    And when you find the answer to the question in the last paragraph... please fill me in, because I'm dying to know as well. :)