Marriage Inequalities

San Diego skyline view from a whale watching tour during our staycation!

Husband and I recently celebrated our second wedding anniversary with a full week off of work. We somewhat strategically selected a wedding date that would guarantee a day off work for a couple of years (and since we got married on a Friday we had three days post-wedding before we had to respond to professional responsibilities). Also somewhat surprisingly, in all the time we had been together we had never had a staycation. We chose to do that this year for our anniversary because of covid (even spending one night out would have been highly expensive and not necessarily been enjoyable with all my pandemic anxiety) and because I'm very hesitant to leave the cat right now (my lady is at least 16 and going through old lady medical issues).

What I'm perhaps most surprised by is how much I loved our staycation. From Sunday to Sunday, we visited the Safari Park (where we met), the zoo (where we formed our friendship and cemented our relationship), had many of our favorite foods, had a movie-marathon day, went whale watching (which had been on our list for many years - and ended up seeing dozens of whales, dolphins, and sea lions), and had beers with friends. We decided we'll take a full week off every year from now on, and if traveling somewhere isn't feasible for whatever reason a staycation will be just as fun.

Drinks overlooking where we (kind of) met.

Husband mentioned a few times the last two years how he's treated now that he's married, and each time it took me off guard. I didn't really realize why until the last week or so. Being a man, husband is given some additional respect when he mentions being married or having a wife. Apparently, people see men who are married as more responsible. As opposed to having "just" a girlfriend, having a wife means a man is stable, that someone (a woman) has decided that he is worth marrying, and that he is worth giving responsibility, priority, and money to.

This has not been my experience. I haven't changed jobs since getting engaged or getting married, and I admit that saying "husband" gives me an air of adultness that "boyfriend" didn't (especially when among other married people). However, I have been interviewing. And I have been very careful to not mention being married. While men are free to admit to having a wife, a woman having a husband has implications that makes me, at least, hesitant to admit the situation to strangers who might otherwise give me money.

So while a man being married implies he is responsible, stable, and has long term goals that align with an employer's long term goals, a woman being married implies she is more likely to leave a job, get pregnant, and cost a company more than she is bringing in. It's illegal to not hire someone because of their marital status, pregnancy status, familiar status, etc., but it's very easy to simply not move forward with the interview process if a woman mentions anything about her husband or children or family.

Small anecdotal example: I recently interviewed for a digital marketing generalist position with a very well known company based in San Diego. The recruiter asked if I had experience in videography (which was not listed in the job description). Rather than saying "no, but my husband does and I could learn from him" or "no, but my husband does and he could be a consultant", I simply said no. I don't, after all, and they weren't interviewing my husband, they were interviewing me. The fault clearly lies with the interviewer for asking about something not listed in the job description (if you need a digital marketer with video experience you need to say so - but those are two very different jobs so good luck finding a digital marketing generalist who is also experienced in video for the salary they were willing to pay). But it surprised me that I had such a low hanging fruit right there - a person I live with who could easily help with this skill and yet I was so hesitant to admit to having that resource.

Meanwhile, my husband has relayed multiple positive reactions to him being married. Part of it is due to him appearing a LOT younger than he is. His clients are sometimes surprised that he's even old enough to be married (which just irks me to no end... dude's almost 40 and people still think he looks barely old enough to drink). But part of it is a validation that, despite his youthful appearance, he is clearly responsible enough for a woman to commit to and has to return that responsibility to her, AND he probably is as skilled as he says he is, and that his prices imply.

I also have been struggling to get the professional recognition I feel I deserve for the work I've put in the last few years, which may have nothing to do with being married. But it is difficult to feel like I'm spinning my wheels while my husband has been enjoying professional success that's at least partly related to being married, especially when he remarks to me later on how great it is being married because of how he is treated by clients and potential clients. Just... not the same for me, and I'd be willing to bet not for most women of childbearing age. 

And what am I supposed to do, mention my sterilization in my interviews and let them know I won't be leaving to bear children? That's fucked both because it's not any of their business and it puts women who do plan to become parents at a significant disadvantage.

This came up before we got married, too. When we were engaged I asked him why it was important that we get legally married, and he brought up several points. At the top were legal validation and social validation. Turns out that second one was more for him than for me. But we did experience the importance of the first one while we were engaged. My sister had a baby a few months before our wedding and we were at the hospital for the birth. The receptionist didn't question my presence but her look at my fiance was... telling. "And your relation to the patient?" she asked him. I let her know he was my fiance and she relaxed and provided him the wristband that would get him into the room.

I guess being legally married is extra important in mixed-race relationships. Just wish the gender inequities weren't so pronounced in marriage.