Guilt and Judgment

Most teens and young adults go through a period of feeling isolated, misunderstood, alone, or just plain different from everyone else. Some people don't grow out of this entirely. I might be one of those people, but I'm not sure why, exactly.

I don't always feel this way, but the isolating periods last a long time. Or maybe my baseline is a depression and I have long periods of happiness. Whichever it is, this depressive period started sometime last summer. I may have put too much stock in the vaccine ending the pandemic. I definitely put too much stock in the changing administration (I never thought we'd go back to being united, if we even ever were, but I did think something would change). It was this time in 2021 that we were double vaxxed and feeling good about spending time back in the world after a year of "apart together". In fact, it was exactly one year ago as I type that I had my first beer in a brewery since 2019.

Some uplifting words on the closed theatre marquis.

It's the loss of human kindness, I think, that did it for me this time. In early 2020 most people were all about beating the virus, doing our part, supporting the frontline and essential workers and small businesses. Then we got tired of our homes and all that pent up energy came out as anger and frustration. The pandemic was politicized immediately but we hadn't had a chance to see that in each other in person until the lockdowns ended. It was like everyone had a point to prove and were going to prove it as often as possible at all costs. I can scroll or swipe past something I don't like on social media but it's harder to avoid in person. Those interactions stayed with me a lot longer.

And a lot happened in the last year personally, too. I lost Gandalf (I was alone for that), then Ruth (I was alone for that, too), then Amelia, then Maya. Chloe was diagnosed with hyperthyroidism and, later, early kidney disease, though she's doing well with both. Instead of going wine tasting on my birthday I marched for reproductive rights (I mean, I still had wine, just not with friends at a winery). There's a 50% chance I had Covid. Even if it wasn't Covid, I still passed whatever illness I had on to medically fragile Ruthie, causing her death. A couple of weeks ago, I watched a man die in my alley after efforts to resuscitate him failed. All this in addition to social unrest, racist mass shootings, racist mass shootings of children, inflation, Russia starting a war, abortion rights ending in the US (at the same time as a baby formula shortage), renewed LGBTQ+ violence and discrimination, and a few particularly damning climate reports.

My birthday morning activity.

Clearly, I don't feel anxious or isolated or judged or different solely because of the pandemic. The sheer number of things I feel judged for or guilty about surprised me, as has how long I've felt this way. Some of these may be in my head, some of them are not. The very first thing I do most days is go on a run, which often is the only alone time I get. So by 8am the good part of my day is over with. Then the judgment starts:

Judged for needing caffeine every day. Husband does not need caffeine and will comment on how I drink tea all day (though all I do is refill the water with the same leaves, so the caffeine level is zero after a few cups) or need coffee on weekends. It got me in trouble once when we had planned to get fancy coffees at a shop before going somewhere, but ran out of time and I was worried about getting a headache if I didn't have something. Now I make sure I have caffeine before I leave the house or go alone to a shop.

I was very happy when reusable cups came back!

Judged and guilty for going to coffee shops. In addition to my need for caffeine, coffee shops are expensive. It's like the number one thing the boomers tell the millennials to skip if we want to afford things like housing and healthcare (or is it avocado toast now?). And it is expensive: after non-dairy milk and tip (I'm still tipping like it's 2020) I spend up to $7 for a mocha. I bought a grinder and pitcher and learned to make cold brew, but I love the experience of going to a shop and sometimes justify it by using their wifi for a couple of hours. I felt extra guilty going to coffee shops in 2020 and 2021 when reusable cups weren't allowed. So in addition to feeling guilty spending $7 for a coffee I also felt guilty for getting a disposable cup I didn't need. But somehow also guilty for not supporting my local coffee shops more often. Guilty no matter what I do.

Judged for eating three meals a day during the week. Though I don't often feel judged for what I eat or how much I eat, husband doesn't eat much more than a small bowl of cereal during the day (except when he gets lunch out after doing the grocery shopping) and it sometimes makes me feel I shouldn't need as much food. If I were more active I probably wouldn't need to eat, but I've never been able to sit at a desk and not think about food. However, the guilt and judgment comes from the extra dishes more than the food itself. I complain about dishes being left in the sink for extended periods of time, which makes me feel I must clean everything the moment I'm done using it. When I'm the only one eating during the week I'm the only one dirtying dishes, so I must maintain a perfectly clean kitchen or hear about how I don't follow my own rules. You can't complain about something and then do that thing yourself without being a hypocrite. Also, the only reason I don't feel judged for my eating habits outside my home is because I'm relatively thin and athletic, which makes me feel guilty: if I had different genetics and ate like I do I wouldn't be as thin.

The thing that makes me happiest.

Judged for my recommendations at work. I try (and sometimes fail) to choose my words extremely carefully and back up every suggestion and recommendation with outside sources and data as insurance against pushback. I fear that every word I say or type is scrutinized. I'm a relatively low level employee trying to make recommendations above my pay grade since there's literally no one else to do it for my field. I have a strong impression that, while I'm liked my most of my coworkers, my direct superiors think I need to stay in my place. Plus, I'm a full-time remote employee and didn't fly out a few weeks ago when most of the team got together informally (I didn't want to risk Covid to sit in an office), so I didn't get the chance to be charming and personable (as much as I can be, which isn't much) to my superiors.

Judged and guilty for showing affection to my pets because I don't show the same level of affection to husband. I'm not a kissy person or a huggy person or one to show physical affection very often. In a lot of ways (romantic and otherwise) I'm not an initiator. This is understandably very frustrating to someone whose love language is physical touch. But I am this way with animals. I will do the baby voice and tell my girls how pretty and smart they are and force kisses on their bellies and foreheads and go out of my way to give them anything they want, whenever they want it. I thought a lot about why this is and I think it's because animals are the only ones that don't judge me. They're always happy and excited to see me, even if only because I'm about to feed them. There's not a human on this earth that's always happy or excited to see me. I also feel guilty when I don't spend as much time with my pets. The rats need free roam time every day but, since they're rats, it has to be in a contained area. So I lock myself with them in the bathroom which is admittedly not the most fun way to spend time with them. I can't multitask very well like that, so it's an hour of not spending time with husband, not doing other household tasks, and not working, and I feel guilt for all of the things I'm not doing and judged for choosing the rats.

My old girls, Amelia, Maya, and Ruth, who passed within months of each other.

Judged for buying, keeping, and caring for houseplants. I admit I have quite a lot and it's probably annoying that they're all in one part of the apartment (only one halfway decent window). A couple I rescued from a trash pile in the alley, a few were gifts, I've propagated several, three were wedding leftovers, and the rest were purchased very cheaply at grocery stores or second hand. I even obtained most of the pots cheaply: terra cotta pots that I painted myself (which allows me to be creative, something I lack in my life), gifts, or repurposed items. If I could spread them around the apartment without killing them they might not be so noticeable. It's probably because houseplants became the trend after breadmaking in 2020. I always liked plants but now when you can buy them at coffee shops and gift shops and grocery stores and the corner shop it's easier and more affordable to have some greenery around. Plus, plants are proven to improve moods and it's something to care for and pay attention to outside of the rest of the world.

Judged and guilty for wanting things that don't fit into husband's lifestyle. Before I got into grad school I planned to move to a new city. I got in and had to commit to where I was for three years. After I graduated we immediately got engaged, so moving didn't make sense. Then Argo got sick. Then we got married. Then there was a pandemic. Now we can't afford to move because husband's work connections are here and I don't make enough to support us long term, and I'm worried we can't afford to stay here because housing prices have skyrocketed. During the pandemic I decided that if we are going to stay here forever I'd like to buy a place, but husband wasn't ready in the brief window I could afford it. Now condos are $200k+ more and if we ever want a second bathroom or in-unit laundry or a dishwasher we'll be paying at least $1,500 extra rent each month and buying will be an even more distant dream.

Judged for wearing a mask indoors, guilty and afraid when I don't. Everyone is over masks and the pandemic in general, even though cases are rising again. I avoid eye contact when I wear a mask just so I won't see if anyone looks at me with judgment. I skip it sometimes if I'm in and out in under two minutes, like grabbing takeout, but whenever I'm inside without a mask I get this queasy feeling in my stomach. I'm so fortunate to live in an area where so much is outside that it's really felt like the good parts of the old normal are back and I'm not sacrificing, but every now and then an invitation will come along and I'll have to assess whether it's worth the risk. The big thing is going to movies: it's husband's favorite thing to do but now that no one is wearing a mask it's less fun for me. Only going when it's a really important movie that won't be streaming isn't the compromise he wanted.

Hospital staff didn't trust my cloth mask so they gave me a fresh disposable one, even though I never even went inside.

Guilty for not making enough money. I used to make more than husband but he outpaced me last year. Yet he's more content to stay at the level we're currently at and have more day to day luxuries than I am. He's less interested in upgrading our housing, which makes me feel that if I want it I need to figure out how to get it. I also don't want to say no to the little things that make us happy, like take out and brewery visits, so I feel guilty saying yes and spending the money when I know it's not contributing to my long term goals. Plus, I have very expensive pets. Old animals require so much more medical care and rats are not cheap. I'm trying to mitigate this with a separate savings account so their expenses don't come from my regular checking or savings.

Judged by my family for my appearance. I don't see either of my parents so there isn't as much judgment anymore, but I still fret over what clothes I'll wear, if I'll do my hair, of how much makeup to wear. During the pandemic, makeup became a special occasion look. I only wear it now when seeing people I don't see often or doing things I don't do often. I have trouble deciding if family should fall into the "people I'm comfortable with" category or "people I don't see often" category, since both are accurate. Last time I didn't do either hair or makeup and it was fine, so maybe this is a worry I can somewhat put to rest.

I've been told I don't find joy, which I don't think is true (see: photos). So many of the things I'm judged for bring me joy by myself: my pets, coffee, plants, food, having goals and dreams. But I don't exist alone. I'm great at projecting a fuck off attitude towards strangers and acquaintances, but when I feel judgment from the people closest to me or the ones I interact with the most, I want to escape into the woods where I know no one.