August 17, 2009


Strutting her his stuff like the queen she king he is.

Good ol' twenty-something doubt.

Last week I decided my short-term goal is to become an elephant keeper at the Wild Animal Park. I have a quasi-plan to accomplish this which involves a detour in my previous educational plans and putting up with crap work in the mean time, which will most likely involve subbing (if I don't buy a gun) and maybe, just maybe, will involve being an educator at the Park. You can tell yourself not to get your hopes up for a job but then you apply and where do your hopes go? Straight up.

The last year or two I've been struggling with the faith I always had. I want to believe in a higher power, something guiding the events that seem to just happen randomly, to one day be reunited with Milo (and anyone else I lose), to keep that connection to my childhood and one of the biggest things that defined me as a teen, for that higher power to be the Trinity I always knew... I'm told that faith prevents people from finding their own strength and that relying on some force that may or may not be there will prevent someone from one day being able to rely on themselves and the strength they might not otherwise know is there. As a reasonably rational person this makes perfect sense. But it's not what I want, really. I want to have my cake and eat it, too.

On a partially related note to the two above comments, I've been thinking a lot about the human animal. It's interesting which animal species pair for life (see above photo), which live in matriarchal societies (see book to the left)) and which mate randomly. Where do humans fall? The animals we connect to most do not pair for life. In fact, birds pair bond more than any other group- and birds are nothing like us! So what makes us think we're meant to stick with one person for our very long lives? Fact is most of us plain old want to. I used to say I would be OK alone as long as I surround myself with horses and sheep and dogs and ferrets and rats and cats... But now that I know what it's like to live with so much love for another person I can't imagine a life without that. I want to build a life with another person, to have that incredible bond, to lose half of myself if I lose that person. Sure, that's romantic as hell, but I want that stability even if I question its possibility. It's perplexing (to say the least) to see some couples live in long and happy marriages, even with kids and not much money, while my own parents did everything right by the books and are unhappy and divorced. I can only trust my efforts will lead me down a different path.

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