January 24, 2011

Carry You

How can you be anything but peaceful when this is your home?

There was a line to a Jimmy Eat World song I could never bring myself to sing. I know the words to almost every Jimmy song and love to belt them out (when I'm alone in the safety of my own car with the windows rolled up). But "Carry You" held one line I deliberately skipped:
"I could never be the one that you want, don't ask
Well, here's to living in the moment
'Cause it passed."
Every time I sang that song I skipped that line. Somehow I felt that by singing it I would be acknowledging what I knew deep, deep down: the boyfriend and I weren't right for each other. Before actually breaking up, and due to a nasty comment on his end, I spent a week as a single girl. It was an amazing week and I didn't miss him at all. That week I sang every word to "Carry You." It was strangely and symbolically liberating.

Yesterday, had I stuck it out or had (like he thought for whatever reason) it just been a break, would have marked 7 years together. Coincidentally, last night I used a pile of old papers, including a few things from that relationship, as kindling in my friend's fireplace. Two such papers were letters from The Ex's BFF from way back when we were friendly. He was a bit too friendly at times and rereading those letters felt... sort of wrong. It reminded me, burning them, how much things can change in a short time.

Listening to Jimmy songs yesterday, spending time watching the sunset at Dog Beach, burning that pile of old memories and bank statements from an account that no longer exists gave me the strength that you're supposed to get from weekends that we seem to have forgotten about. I remembered yet again why I love Jimmy Eat World songs so much: each album's theme magically applied to exactly what was going on in my life at the time. This is probably just me reading into a band I simply like the sound of, but it sure feels like a huge coincidence that the albums came out in the order they did, and it could partially explain why the latest one just hasn't resonated with me very much. Regardless, it's comforting to have something as basic as a band stick around in my heart for such a long time while simultaneously bringing up memories from the past. It puts a positive spin on some of the negative feelings I once held and now makes me feel a little bit stronger for having dealt with it all.
"You better choose your words carefully
Because I'm not your anything."

No comments:

Post a Comment