November 6, 2009

I Love The Internet

There is no explanation.

Seriously. It never ceases to amaze me. Below is a list of "fun questions to ask your boyfriend." This is posted on, which claims to be "intelligent life on the web." The questions are copied directly from the site: all grammar and sentence structure errors belong to the author, who claims to work as a freelance writer since writing is her passion, though she clearly has a limited grasp of the English language. I've answered these fun questions (in italics) as a male version of myself, if a Theoretical Girl were to ask me them.

1) If you were a geometric shape what would you like to be? Triangle. But I like saying rhombus.
2) Would you like to have more relationships in the same time?
Polyamory isn't my thing. Are you trying to see if I'd cheat on you? Sneaky sneaky...
3) If you were a bird or an animal what would you like to be?
OK, this is a legit question, but I also really love animals. I'd totally be an elephant. Or a peregrine falcon, if I had to pick a bird.
4) Do you like love games like master – slave, doctor – patient, teacher – student?
Sexy!!! (Sounds like someone likes watching porn.)
5) Which is the song you can associate with my image?
For my Theoretical Girl? Hmm... Finding Out True Love Is Blind. Your little Asian friend, well she can come if she wants.
6) We are at a party and you see a nice girl but you don’t have the opportunity to talk to her. What do you do to make her aware that you like her, without hurting me?
You want to have a "hot chick at a party" policy? If I don't even get the chance to talk to her I may just have to wait until the next party, when you and I will conveniently be having a "rough patch" and then I'll talk to her and nab a number. Oh wait... are you polyamorous? Is that where this is going?
7) You meet by chance a girl friend of mine at the disco. She is very happy and she is flirting with you. What are you doing?
OMG you are polyamorous! Dirty, sneaky you. Wait, why the fuck am I at a disco? Is this the 1970s and you want a three way? Is your friend hot?
8) I discovered you telling a lie to me. How do you react?
9) We are together at night, in the mountains, in a remote forest house. Will you wear pajamas?
WTF? I will most likely wear plaid flannel pajamas (shut up, they're comfortable) because it will most likely be frickin' freezing, but I'd take them off if there was a nice fire, a blanket and you naked (assuming you, Theoretical Girl, are hot).
10) Would you like to perform a strip-tease number for me?
Answering as a guy, I do not see how this is sexy. (Answering as my true womanly self... only if you don't laugh.)
11) You are alone in my house. What will you do?
Probably go through all your e-mails. Or masturbate. Or eat your food. Depends on how long I'm alone in your house.
12) What would you cook for me?
Mexican. Always Mexican. (Mmm, Spanish rice is done!)
13) Would you like to tattoo my skin for you?
You want me to give you a tattoo? Where in hell is that a good idea?
14) Would you like me to wear all the time mini skirt or to have a generous neck opening?
I would like you to have a better grasp of sentence structure and English in general. You can only be so hot before I'd blow my brains out to escape your lack of communication skills.
15) What would you like to change about myself?
Aren't we supposed to love each other for who we are, not for what we want to change?
16) When will you declare your eternal love for me?
Love is not eternal. We're all gonna die someday.
17) What should I have to love me forever?
See #16. Also, maybe you should start loving others and you'll be loved in return. Stop being so whiny and selfish.
18) Do you have the patience to come with me when I’m buying a dress?
I don't even have the patience to buy a dress for myself. Oh, wait, I'm a dude... Um, probably not, honestly.
19) Can you make friends easily?
Used to have kind of a hard time with it but the last few years have proved fruitful.
20) How can you describe yourself in a sentence?
It would be nearly impossible to describe my being in a simple sentence, and I really do not feel like writing a complicated sentence at the moment. I'll give you 1 word for now: sarcastic.
21) Would you like to spend a night with me in the forest?
Weren't we already in the mountains and I was in pajamas? Now you want a tent? Actually camping doesn't sound half bad right now...
22) What would you do if a bear came up to you and we were together in the forest?
What kind of forest are you taking me to? If we're in a monitored camp site the bear is probably just sniffing around for food and as long as we don't bother it it will go away eventually. You don't keep snacks in the tent do you? Because if you do I'm going to change my answer to #21.
23) How can you imagine that forest with bears and a girl who needs your help?
Who the fuck are you, crazy Theoretical Girl? Am I Tarzan here to rescue my helpless Theoretical Girl from a big bad bear in the forest? Is this supposed to be a sexy role playing thing or do you really hope to be rescued from a bear?
24) What flowers would you like to offer me?
And now I have to offer you flowers after saving your sorry ass from a fucking bear??? Who ARE you?
25) If you saw a field full of flowers would you pick a lot of them for me?
You're officially batshit insane. I would not pick you any flowers. I would run far, far away.
26) What would you do if we are on the beach and a lot of other girls are there top less and they are friendly with you?
If you see my answer to #25 it would really not be a problem.
27) What kind of horses would you like riding?
What kind of question is that? I don't really care what kind of horse I'd ride.
28) Which is your favorite childhood hero?
You mean who... I didn't have a childhood hero, dammit.
29) Do you like to describe what you see in the clouds?
Yeah, like when I was 5.
30) Would you like to write an adventure novel about us?
No. You're batshit crazy. And no one would buy that.
31) Do you tell your friends what we are doing together?
I've probably already told my friends you're batshit insane and to stay far away from you. Why does this matter, again?
32) Would you like to build a sand castle with me on the beach?
Hells no.
33) Would you like to have a bath with me with pink and yellow rose petals?
This question is just too insane I can't even come up with a response.
34) Would you like to have a glass of champagne with me?
Mmm... I do like champagne. But not you.
35) Would you like to make love to me on the carpet, in front of a fireplace?
Are we in the woods? Have I just rescued you from a bear? Am I wearing pajamas?
36) Would you like to be able to repair my computer?
Not at all, actually. I'll show you how to do cool shit, but I'm not in charge of fixing it because you're a dumbass and spilled soda on it.
37) Can you tell me in a few seconds what is a brick useful for?
Other than throwing it at your face, no.
38) Would you like to be together characters in a SF movie?
Science Fiction? Really? Please, stop asking questions like this and go study English.
39) Would you like to spend our honeymoon on a remote island?
Sure, that way I can kill you and there will be no one to ask questions.

Oops! That is not fun anymore! You should never ask your boyfriend a question related to marriage. So let’s go on…
Oh really.

40) Can you find easily 10 words rhyming with pencil?
How about instead of finding lame rhymes you practice grammar.
41) Are you able to explain what have I dreamt last night?
My dream last night involved The Ex dying. Which I just realized now... (Yay for a question being productive in a completely different manner than it intended.)
42) Do you consider yourself a happy person because you’ve met me?
No, Theoretical Girl, I do not consider myself happy because I've met you. I consider myself happy because I built myself a happy life.
43) Do you like answering questions to kids?
Actually yeah, I kinda do.
44) Would you like to imagine that I am a black panther and you are a poor hunter?
Is this another one of your creepy sex games?
45) Would you like to give me my breakfast in bed?
No. You'd get crumbs everywhere.
46) Can you imagine making love to me and eating strawberries and grapes?
Though I love sex and I love eating, I don't really care to have sex and eat at the same time.
47) Will you feed me with them?
I'm getting a very creepy vibe from these questions...
48) What would you do if you were Robinson Crusoe?
Probably kill you.
49) What kind of music would you like to listen to with me?
Anything to get you to stop talking.
50) Do you think that we have met before, in another life?
Frankly, no.

Some things are just too funny or too stupid to pass up.


  1. Oh, wow! This is amazing. I think I'm going to sit down and have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. Because obviously, this chick knows her way to a mans heart. We're so bonding.

  2. I dont think your answer to number 36 is very fair, I know a few people who have spilt liquids on their computer.... It sounds like you are being too harsh to this apparently brain damaged girl who fears bears.


  3. Soda, not water. Big difference. Besides, this chick makes it sound like a man fixing her computer is a big turn on.

    (Dammit, I should watch what I say.)

  4. Haha, ah ok soda, totally different. And it is a huge turn on for girls, or so I hear.