Big Decisions

Can I win the lottery so I can do this for free all day?

Today I discovered a very large kink in my plan. (If you remember, The Plan was to become a guide in Flightline so I could secure a guide position in Photo Caravans over summer, and hope and pray and beg like a dog to be kept on, or possibly find the means to weasel my way into some other animal-involved department in fall, and then begin schooling in animal sciences.)

Several obstacles are preventing this plan from coming to fruition:

1. I'm still not a guide, and still have not gone through interpretive training, despite repeated requests and affirmations of desire to do so.

2. The department thinks it will be better to wait until after spring break, when I can be trained with all the temporary hires, even though I've already given damn good mock tours, and my coworker and I are both ready. I can see the logic in wanting to train as many people at the same time, but I definitely think having 2 more guides before all the new kids get here and before the spring break rush would be better use of time.

3. Since I am technically a new hire in Flightline, rather than having simply switched departments (due to that damn 3-week in-between), I'm still in probation. This means no loans, no special assignments, and no switching departments until next month.

4. Photo caravans is hiring now. I can't make next week's deadline. Nor would I be hired as a guide because I have no more real experience than I did a year ago, and they just aren't motivated to keep just a driver.

I'm starting to think there aren't as many reasons to stay as I want there to be. I'm so in love with the Park and want my ashes scattered over East Africa, but I can't continue living like this. I've been sick for a month and am too afraid to go to a doctor or clinic because I can't afford it and don't want any more debt. I need to fix my car. I want to not feel guilty for eating something besides rice. I need to build up a little bit of savings, and I want to go back to school.

I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life... If I could just get back in school (for anything, at this point) I could defer those thoughts for, oh 3 years or so.