Illegal Abortion

I get to use this image again!

For whatever reason, whether or not women should be allowed to get an abortion is a political issue, and some people believe there is absolutely no reason abortion should be legal, even in cases of rape (fortunately, even the craziest people think an abortion can sneak by when the pregnancy will kill the mother, but if not that would be condemning a woman to death).

But all this got me wondering: what would I do if I were raped tonight and forced by law to carry a resulting pregnancy to term? For the sake of depression, and because the thing that started this was a presidential hopeful suggesting women view babies conceived through a rape as a "gift from God," which you surely wouldn't return, I'll include raising a baby bestowed upon me by the gift of rape.

Emotions:

First, going through a rape (something I fortunately have never experienced and hopefully never will) is one of the most traumatizing things a person can experience. Some statistics say between 15-20% of the population have been raped, but I'd be willing to bet it's more than that because men who are raped almost never report it and women who are raped are often too afraid, too traumatized or don't believe it's rape because the criminal was someone they knew. Even still, at least 15% of the population has been traumatized by rape. First off, if this were to ever happen to me I'd be at the police station and hospital to report it and have any evidence collected to catch the son of a bitch. But I would be devastated. I would replay it in my mind again and again, trying to come up with something I did wrong, some way I could have prevented it or stopped him. It would depress me intensely, most likely affecting my sleep, my day to day activities, and most certainly my relationship. As much as I can say now I wish I were stronger than that, sex would be entirely different after a rape, and there's no way that wouldn't be an issue. And if the rape resulted in a pregnancy and I was forced to carry it?

Money:

I currently make about enough to pay rent, utilities, car payments, car insurance, cell phone, food and gas with just enough left over to put aside for taxes in April and car insurance in July. Other than what I'm currently saving, which is already ear marked, I have no savings. I would have to keep my current job, even though it does not provide any benefits whatsoever, because no company would hire a woman about to need medical leave in 9 months. This would mean that any time I needed to go to the doctor or felt too sick to work would be unpaid, and my eventual maternity leave would be 1-3 months of no income. Plus, I would likely lose my job during the leave (they would have to replace me) and finding a job that paid decently or maybe even one that provided benefits would be next to impossible as a brand new, single mother who will need flexibility to care for her baby.

In addition, I have no health insurance so all those required doctor's visits would be debt under my name. Of course, I would have to have health insurance for myself and my baby once it's born, but I couldn't exactly go get pre-natal insurance after I got pregnant, now could I? My credit limit is $5k, which isn't anywhere near enough to have a healthy baby in a hospital. Actually having the baby would cripple me, and if there were any complications whatsoever I would never recover from the debt. Diapers, a car seat, baby clothes, and whatever else you buy for a baby (even Target maternity clothes are expensive) would be beyond my current budget, which would change to zero once I became unemployed.

I could cash out my stock, but it would only be a temporary fix and only enough to cover basic doctors visits or maybe the time I would be unemployed, if I somehow found a job soon enough. Plus, cashing out would affect me at tax time, so the benefit would be further diminished.

(Should I decide to give the baby up for adoption and happen to actually find a couple willing to adopt my rape baby, they would most likely pay for my medical bills and giving birth. However, they would probably not pay for sick days when I was puking or at the doctor or for maternity clothes. And they definitely would not pay for a gym membership so I could work on getting my body back and try going back to my normal life.)

Life:

I would be forced to move out of my current apartment and find a studio or 1-bedroom apartment, which is already something I can't afford, much less after at least a month of unemployment and thousands in medical bills. I could probably move back to my hometown and rent out a room in my mom's house, but I would still need a job to pay for rent (which wouldn't be much cheaper than a place in San Diego) and baby stuff (and like I said, I have no savings). Plus, it would involve leaving my friends, my boyfriend and my life in San Diego.

Speaking of boyfriend, that would most likely end. I feel fortunate to be with someone who feels the same as I do about having kids, but unfortunately for this hypothetical situation that's that we don't want them. Even if my boyfriend wanted to be supportive and helpful, I could never ask him to stay when I have a baby that belongs to a rapist, not to him. Being pregnant is enough of a strain when the baby belongs to both people in the relationship, but a rape and a pregnancy together would be too much.

Things I Would Give Up:

All hope of getting my Master's degree (student debt on top of medical debt? Yeah right.), my dream job (taking any job without considering the flexibility, the benefits, the day care), possibly freelancing, traveling, having a horse, spending any time taking care of animals for a living, and having anything else that goes along with the somewhat exotic lifestyle I want.

My whole life would be living so that a baby I never wanted would have a chance at a decent life because, despite it just being the right thing to do if you bring a child into the world, it's against the law to neglect it. I suppose I could just go on welfare. Let all the other taxpayers pay for me and my baby, and just not work. God, this is depressing.

I might also have to let go of what I hope a marriage would be like. Dating wouldn't be for me anymore, it would be to find a husband who would be a good father for my rape baby, who would not have a father. Not to mention, between working and raising a baby I'd never have time to actually date. Meeting a man who already has a child (and probably an ex wife) would most likely be my only option, and then date nights could be movies at home with the kids. Lounging in bed for hours, making brunch and mimosas on Sunday at noon, hanging out writing this blog, spending time on Reddit, and  staying out late at a bar will be things of the past. And forget reading. Well, forget reading anything at my reading level. 

Additional Comments:

Should I ever be raped (which I'm just going to hope never happens... keep my wits about me, stay out of creepy dark alleys...) I really hope the criminal wears a condom. Fortunately as far as pregnancies go I'm already on birth control and have access to Plan B, so the chances of me becoming pregnant are pretty slim. But there's sexually transmitted disease and the trauma to worry about, one of which I will most assuredly have to deal with. The bottom line is rape is something so truly awful and should never happen to anyone, but that's unfortunately not the world we live in. I just hope I'm never forced to bear the consequences of someone else's criminal actions.

Religious Questioning

First thing that came to mind when I did a Google image search...

Not long ago I had a random question about God being omnicient: if God is all knowing and knows what a person will do, what a person will be like and what will happen to a person before that person is even conceived, if God creates a person knowing full well that this person will be bad and will not repent or change his ways at any point during the person's life, why wold God make such a person?

As a Catholic I was raised to believe that all people have free will, and that's why bad things happen to good people, but that even the worst sinners can repent at any time, call Jesus into their hearts, and be saved and welcomed into Heaven with open arms as long as the repentance was genuine- even if it's on a death bed and likely fueled by fear of Hell (which, to hear many Catholics and Christians tell it, is a perfectly acceptable reason to believe in God). So Hitler, who lived with such hatred for a very large number of people, could have called out to God, sorry for the way he lived his life and sorry for the atrocities he caused, and God would have happily called his soul to heaven (I'm going to leave out the fact that most sects of Christians, including Catholics, are supposed to believe all other faiths are damned to Hell, so in that sense Heaven would actually be the perfect place for Hitler).

But there's a huge problem with that logic, if God knows what's going to happen to every person then He should know whether or not a horrible person would eventually repent, and if He knows if a person wouldn't repent why should that person be created in the first place?

Additionally, and this is my mere human logic, why not just not make a bad person, repentance or not? What if Hitler had a moment of clarity before his death and repented to God for his actions? What if Hitler is in Heaven? Leads me to believe, if repentance and turning to God at the last moment no matter what the sins is so important, that God is pretty selfish. Seems pretty human.

I've also been going through some Jehovah's Witness literature (not because I sought it out, because it's been sitting on my boyfriend's table after they talked to him, and he asked so many questions they ended up leaving). The material is supposed to explain why you should want to be a Witness, why it's best to devote your life to God/Jehovah, and what it is the Witnesses actually believe. Sex before marriage is a big no-no (it will undoubtedly lead to disease and an empty, vapid life), everyone should definitely get married, and all married couples should have daily prayer time. The booklet I read had a true life account from someone who grew up in a bad neighborhood (in an impoverished country), got caught up in gambling (he was "passionate about horses") and led a life filled with alcohol, women and bad decisions. He turned to Jehovah's Witnesses and is now married with a daughter. Ta dah! What a great life. Except in the story he says he doesn't hide anything from his daughter and tells her about his past in order to show her what a life outside the Jehovah's can be like. I'm not a parent, but I'm not so sure that's a great idea- all those "I used to be on drugs and was in jail but then I got clean and now my life is fantastic" presentations throughout school only shed light on the possibility that you can do whatever the fuck you want until you decide to adult-up and then everything will be ok.

These things just shed more doubt and uncertainty on the whole religious idea. I know it's the whole point of faith, but having blind faith without real or solid answers is a little difficult. Even when I was a kid I asked "why?" and "because I said so" never cut it. Why would I be different now?

Sex

Well this is just inappropriate.

I may never understand why people get so concerned about how other people have sex. It seems like everyone has an opinion on what everyone else should and should not be doing. Even corporations.

Chick-fil-A has come out against homosexuality. The restaurant chain is involved with several religious and family oriented groups (including Focus on the Family, which reminds me of Peta for kids) and has explicitly come out and said they "do not accept homosexual couples" at Chick-fil-A's charitable retreat.

But don't worry, gays, you can still order food from the restaurants. They're not going to refuse your money, after all.

And then there's the professionally religious. Bishops have warned married couples to not get too carried away by sexual pleasure, but to remember why you're having sex in the first place. And it's not because it's a way to express your love and passion for one another, unless that's just a byproduct of making babies. The article basically says "we know we said only sex outside of marriage was bad, but anal really isn't going to make babies, and that's our whole thing with the gays, so how 'bout you guys just stick to missionary?" It also describes how married couples should lead chaste lives. Not celibate, chaste. I can't help but picture those Mormon sex clothes that have small holes at the genitals so procreation can occur but you won't get a whole lot of mental stimulation from looking at your wife's naked body. 'Cause that's nasty.

Couldn't find the picture I wanted, so there's this. Also, there's a lot of mormon gay porn out there.

The bishop goes so far as to call pleasure a byproduct of sex:

"Though pleasure may be present, some acts are a misuse of sex when they fall short of what God intended."

Oh yeah? If God intended pleasure to be a mere byproduct of sex why would He have created an organ that does nothing but give sexual pleasure? Plus, certain foreplay acts make sex more enjoyable for each person and make the whole making babies part even better. How do we know God didn't intend that? Lastly, how is a bishop, a supposedly celibate and single individual, giving sex advice to married couples? Giving sex advice is hard enough (well, giving real sex advice is hard, not the bullshit opinions everyone and their mom seem to give out), and it has to be near impossible if you've never experienced it, especially as a married man.

I wish people would just leave others well enough alone. If someone is looking for help or advice he or she will seek it out. The rest of us don't need to go giving our 2 cents to anyone within ear shot. That's my 2 cents, anyway.

*I love the shout-out to Fark.

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

And boy can we be stupid sometimes.

A certain pastor by the name of Terry Jones is epically stupid. He's decided that he's going to burn multiple copies of the Koran, the Islamic holy book, on September 11th. Dammit, man, shit like this is what gives Americans a bad name.

Let's count the contradictory statements made my Mr. Jones:

1. Mr. Jones says he's going to burn the Koran because "it's full of lies," and later in the same article says he has "no experience with [the Koran] whatsoever. I only know what the Bible says." No where in the Bible does it say the Koran is full of lies, and I challenge him or anyone else to prove me wrong.

2. Mr. Jones "said he sincerely hoped" the burning would not lead to violence. Yet he's receiving death threats and carries a .40-caliber pistol on his hip, saying, "we have to be careful." What the fuck is he going to do with the gun? A Christian pastor preaching peace does not burn the sacred book of another religion or carry a gun because he fears he may need protection. He receives three times as many negative e-mails as he does positive ones, and church groups and organizations the country and world over are calling for this ridiculousness to stop.

3. Mr. Jones does not think his demonstration will put American troops at risk. But because he's now made his intentions clear to the entire world he can't really be surprised when some very offended Islamic radicals decide to attack the greatest symbol of America they can find: our troops. Our troops are over there trying to defend this idiot's freedom to be an idiot, even though this idiot is putting their very lives at risk. Not to mention, normal Muslims are disgusted at this man's outright ignorance and hate and feel the need to defend their beliefs.

4. Mr. Jones claims in one interview that he isn't spreading hate because he's spreading truth. Gen. David Petraeus, the top US commander in Afghanistan, says, "[this] is precisely the kind of action the Taliban uses and could cause significant problems. Not just here, but everywhere in the world we are engaged with the Islamic community." See that, Mr. Jones? You're the one terrorizing now.

5. Mr. Jones as been denied a permit for the demonstration and the burning by the fire department (citation #1, citation #2) but plans on going ahead anyway, saying "it's just politics." Also, he expects "quite a scene." But in this interview he claims the fire and police departments not only have no problem with what he's planning on doing, but will defend his demonstration.

I could point out a few inconsistencies with the Bible, I could point out America is not a Christian nation, I could point out this idiot is doing the exact opposite of what the Bible actually calls on Christians to do. But it wouldn't get anywhere. Part of me wants to say he's a senile old man looking for some recognition and found a really dumb, obvious way to get his name in the papers, but most of me knows he really does believe this, really does believe God is so proud of him, and really does think that burning the hold book of an entire religion will get them thinking, "hey, maybe Christianity really is the way to go. Huh, good thing Mr. Jones helped me see the light."

Part of me hopes God will be judging everyone when we die because if it's the God I know/knew/wanted to believe in He would be standing there laughing at people like Mr. Jones when they come to the gates of Heaven saying, "but... but... but... I did it all in your name!" And God and the angels would have a hearty laugh, wipe away some tears, and tell the poor soul, "um, no, I did not ask you to persecute whole peoples, but to quietly evangelize by being a good example. You failed. Off to Hell now, bye bye."

But most of me kind of knows that isn't what's going to happen when we die. And in that case, Mr. Jones needs to kick it now.

Anne Frank

Just finished reading (re-reading?) Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl. Anne Frank had to be the most intelligent 14-year old girl in the world. She was insanely smart for her age, well wise beyond her years, and so articulate and able to easily express the most basic feelings that people have struggled their whole lives to express. It's a huge shame on our species that she had to die at the hands of an evil, racist authority.

Anne was in hiding in a warehouse with her family and 4 others for over 2 years during World War II. During that time they did not leave the warehouse, did not breathe fresh air, came close to starvation, came close to discovery multiple times, and had restrictions on when they could run water, use the toilet and even get up and move around. Their lives depended on extreme secrecy and security measures. Annes only solace throughout this whole ordeal was her dependency on the privacy of her diary. She wrote about quarrels between the tenants, being chastised by her parents, her longing for her friends, her lack of anyone to confide in (except her diary, which she named "Kitty"), the goings on in the world, being terrorized by air raids, the pains their friends took to bring them food, their near starvation... all before age 14, young Anne experienced and documented a life none of us can imagine. And she took it all in stride: every so often when she became depressed, Anne would bring herself back out of it by remembering how lucky she was to be in hiding when her friends suffered unimaginable fates in the outside. Starving, alone and terrified for 2 years, Anne pulled her own chin up, even when the adults couldn't do so.

In her diary she wrote about her dreams for the future, after the war. She saw the life of her mother and knew that was not for her. She wanted

"to have something besides a husband and children to devote myself to... to be useful or bring enjoyment to all people, even those I’ve never met. I want to go on living even after my death!"

Oh, Anne. You have no idea.

Unsurprisingly enough, this part of her book resonated with me. I've looooong known that the housewife life is so not for me. Granted, I'm glad my mom did it, and I don't think less of women my age who want to do it, I just couldn't do it or even imagine doing it. Anne had considered having her diary published and wanted to become a journalist. She also laughed at herself, wondering who would ever read the dumb whinings of a teenage girl. In the mid 1940s, Anne started to struggle with the notion of doing things differently. It was expected that a good Jewish girl would marry and have children, but Anne wanted more. Things aren't so different now.

Sixty-plus years later, women are still expected to marry and have children. It's more acceptable to also have a career (or hobby or part-time job or volunteer) but the question of getting married and having children is ever present. Telling a curious asker that you have a husband and child(ren) doesn't require further discussion. Telling a curious asker that you have a cool job prompts questions of who you're dating and if you want to have his kids. Having a job is not an acceptable answer unless you also are at least engaged.

What is it about the older generations that want us to bear our own children and become a family so badly? Why is it not OK to skip that step in life? We are not animals in the sense that we bear young every year in order to ensure the survival of our species, and since it's such a HUGE deal to raise even one kid in this world why is it not acceptable to opt out?

Answer: They sacrificed happiness and freedom for the good of the younger generations and now it's our turn to do the same. People who marry young are, for the most part, viewed as more mature and responsible than those who marry late. We equate marriage with maturity and the later you do it the less responsible and more selfish you are. I suppose it could be said that marriage can force a couple to become more mature and responsible, and that having kids forces people to make decisions for the best of the child rather than what sounds fun, but is that really the path we want most people to take? Force someone, in the midst of learning to handle life, to become something completely different? This will only force people to suppress certain feelings until something happens (like divorce or the kids growing up) to make those feelings resurface. And now we have rampant 40- and 50-somethings back on the dating scene trying to just be happy. Maybe if they'd had the opportunity to do what made them happy in their 20s they'd have made better life decisions and wouldn't need to deal with the sudden resurfacing of emotions not dealt with in decades.

A New York Times article ponders the state of the twenty-somethings. Because we obviously have a problem if we're not graduating, finding a life-long job and partner, marrying and popping out kids ASAP. The article is very long winded and goes into the psychology of 20-somethings (including brain development and cultural expectations) but it also spends a few pages discussing if "emerging adulthood" should be the newest recognized developmental stage in life, which I'm not really interested in. Do we really need to recognize it as a stage? Can't we just settle with a continuous cycle of the older generation criticizing the younger generation for being different?

My mom has been unhappy with her job (and state of being, really) for the better part of a decade. She tried taking classes at community college but couldn't finish a whole semester. Her job offers stability, health insurance and a flexible schedule. She tells me she made sacrifices in order to obtain those things, for the kids, and suggests that maybe it's time I do the same. But why should I? I have no need to make those kinds of sacrifices. Sure, it'd be nice to have health insurance, but I'm young and in good health, so it's not something I'm willing to sacrifice happiness at work for. I'm 24 and living on my own, supporting myself fully, and am not looking forward to marriage or children. This is the time to deal with the issues my parent's generation ignored for the sake of starting a family, and dammit I'm gonna take my sweet ass time.

So, Anne, your thoughts are just as relevant and resonating in women, at least this woman, today as they were in the forties. I'm just glad the privacy of your diary allowed for the kind of frank opinion that is absent in most other books. And, of course, I'm excited to see you live on decades and decades after your death, untimely as it was.

YES!

Why can't I be in Amsterdam tomorrow?

I SAID NO!

A Dutch condom company is giving away pope condoms this weekend. These specially packaged condoms are a jab at the Pope's negative stance on condoms (condoms not only don't help stop HIV/AIDS, they increase it). Condoms are one of the very few proven methods of preventing STD transmission, and though a condom isn't 100% effective at prevention it's a damn good start, and infinitely better than not using one and telling people to abstain from sex. So the lucky Dutch get to get down with the pope wrapped around their packages.

Here's another great condom campaign:

"Such tragedy could have been easily avoided."

Ah, marketing. Sometimes I wish I had the mind for that. Goes back to my earlier post about the German condom campaign featuring ads with Hitler sperm. Funny shit.

More funny shit: The Pope and the Condom. Click the link and read it- it's short and very worth the 2 minutes.

Moral Pharmacy

Sometimes we get all excited about a job or idea and run with it before really considering the options. When my sister was quite young she wanted to be an architect. She drew beautifully and had an uncommon appreciation for buildings at the age of 7. She's since given up that idea, but in her young mind she figured it would just be days of drawing buildings and putting her name on them. Seems like some pharmacists romanticize their professions while forgetting about the controversial aspects of the job.

Not that it stops them.

Stories of moral pharmacists crop up all over the place. One won't sell a woman Plan B, another won't refer her to a place that will, and now we have a whole pharmacy devoted to Christian morals. It's called Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy. Or at least it was, before it went out of business. Turns out there aren't enough good Christians in Virginia. Or just not enough good Christians who don't use make-up, birth control or cigarettes. Or porn.

When I was little and learning about the dangers of cigarettes I vowed that if I ever ran a store I wouldn't sell them. It horrified me that people paid for packs knowing all the awful things that would happen to your lungs. But then I got a job at a pharmacy... and I sold cigarettes for $5 a pack. I also sold pregnancy tests, condoms, alcohol, loads of make-up, and scandalous magazines. I still hate cigarettes but that's not going to stop me from telling someone else to not smoke, and it certainly won't stop me from doing my job and selling a pack or two or three to a paying customer. I knew when I accepted the position of cashier that I would be ringing up all sorts of items, and it wasn't my place to judge or refuse. The only restrictions I had were to not sell alcohol to minors or drunk adults and to report any child porn coming through the photo lab. Pharmacists should realize that it's not their job to judge or refuse, and pharmacists that refuse to do their jobs and fill prescriptions should be reprimanded.

At least the Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy was honest about it's offerings. But it was right across the street from a full pharmacy and around the corner from a KMart, and people decided to make one trip to one store, rather than one trip to Divine Mercy for anti-depressants and one trip to KMart for lipstick. Because it just makes sense.

Lent

I've written about Lent before. In fact, my very first post in this blog began with a list of things I've given up in the past. This year, however, will be the first year I give up nothing.

Today is Ash Wednesday, the day of fasting, of going to church, of being marked with an ashy cross on your forehead (see photo above) and eating fish on Fridays. In the last few years I've done less and less in celebration of the season. Five years ago I fasted, went to church and and swore off chocolate. I also visited the nurse practitioner for my first gynecological exam and bought birth control. She happened to glance at the calendar and noted the date. Then she asked if I'd eaten because the hormones in the patch can wreak havoc on the stomach. She was surprised when I told her I was fasting for Lent. Good little Catholic girl in the city college health center getting birth control on Ash Wednesday because she's no longer a virgin. What has the world come to?

This year I visited Planned Parenthood for more birth control. Notice a pattern? (FYI: it's free condom week.) However, this year I did not fast, did not go to church, did not give up anything, and will probably eat meat on Fridays. I've written a lot about religion this year, mostly bashing the extremists, and if one were to follow my posts one would see my relatively steep religious decline. I've gone from firmly believing in God but disturbed by Christians to not really knowing if I believe in God and far from calling myself a Christian. It will be interesting to see where I'll be next year at this time.

One Million Dollars

Nobel Prize down, million dollar bill next.

On Christmas day, at work, a very cheery guest gave us a fistful of million dollar bills. No joke.

Obviously they weren't worth a Monopoly bill, but still, a million dollars. Sounded pretty awesome, even if they had caricatures of celebrities (some I didn't recognize- took me forever to discern Elton John). But written on the backs of the bills was something entirely different.

The first paragraph began with all people are sinners and no matter what you've done you've committed enough sin to be banished to eternal hell. It seemed particularly focused on men lusting after women and committing adultery with them in their hearts, which is prime hell territory. I thought it was going the atheist route, as in "you're already pretty much fucked, so might as well enjoy it." Looking back I have no idea why I thought this...

The second paragraph mentioned how Jesus was like your defense lawyer; he argued with the judge and paid your fine with his own life. So you're good now. All that sinning isn't going to automatically condemn you to hell. But, since he did pay a hefty fine in order for you to get off scott-free, the least you could do is acknowledge your gratitude by reading the Bible, praying and generally being like Jesus.

Which, as you'd know if you read the Bible, is a near impossible task. But who's reading?

The whole million dollar thing was tied together (lamely) when it asked "the million dollar question" of whether or not you're going to hell. I can only assume the celebrities represented sinners, but my million dollar question is what is a true Christian doing at the Wild Animal Park on Christmas day? Not just handing out evangelical million dollar bills, but having fun and being part of the reason why the Park is open 365 days a year- if you open it, they will come. And apparently they'll ride Flightlines, too. (The bills also said "abortion stops a human heart." Not if you do it within the first 8 weeks! Zing!)

Jokes like that are why I'm going to hell... Sigh. Anyway, we first put the bills in our coworkers cubbies as a joke, then we cut out the Obama faces and taped them over our own pictures. It still looks awesome.