Grad school is lonely

My first grad school selfie, taken after spending 6 hours at the hippo exhibit for a research project.

Grad school is lonely. Yeah you meet a bunch of new people all doing similar things and you think you have this awesome community (which you do) but you’re all grad students with lives and jobs and homework and no one has time to hang out. You don’t have time to hang out. You can’t even make it to the once a year happy hour because it’s at an inconvenient time or place and it’s your only Saturday off.

I'm not gonna lie - the last two years brought some hard times. It wasn’t just having to turn down social events because all my time and money was going to class. I left my well-paying job (which allowed me to pay for grad school) because I couldn’t handle the stress. I was in a car accident that left me without a car. I had 0 dollars thanks to a lower stress but much lower paying job and didn’t work for the month I was in Africa. We got kicked out of our house because our landlady wasn’t paying her mortgage and the investment company that bought the house wanted to flip it. After weeks of searching and either finding crap options, too expensive options, or being turned down due to pets, we’re in a small but nice apartment and paying an extra couple hundred a month. I took on an extra class and had one month where I was technically taking 11 units. There were multiple months where I didn’t run even once (forget yoga).

And that was just in 2018.

Me most Friday and Saturday nights. Happy here because animals.

It’s like having a kid. Your whole life changes, but everyone else goes on without you. My relationship changed, I was back on a school schedule, I’m perpetually exhausted, barely see friends and had no impromptu get togethers, and my grad school friends were either just as busy and broke or both those things in addition to being actual parents (how did they manage that???). Hearing “I don’t know how you do it” for working and schooling full time didn’t help, because I didn’t know. The Boyfriend makes dinner and cleans up and I spend 22 minutes with him a day (the amount of time it takes to watch an episode of Parks and Rec while we ate dinner). I get jealous when he has a lazy weekend napping with the animals or going out with friends.

But it's all coming to an end. In a month from today I'll be in Ohio with my classmates, walking across the stage to get our diplomas. I'm looking forward to it, especially to getting my social life back, to being a more present girlfriend, and to focusing on wellness and mental health. But I also know that despite feeling lonely and stressed AF for 2.5 years I’ll miss it. I’ve loved every minute of learning and reading and talking with my cohort members about conservation. Even the long, boring, technical articles contributed to my understanding of what people around the world were doing. Not to mention, it led me to Africa, where I finally saw wild, healthy elephants. Lots of them. (I touched some. Seriously, I almost died of happiness.) I know that in January when the holidays are over and life returns to normal that I’ll feel this emptiness.

I have truly found my people.

In addition to planning a bunch of trips for next year, I have another new way I'll fill my time and hopefully continue learning about conservation: I just started a new job with The Nature Conservancy! I'm so proud and excited to have reached my goal of working in conservation before even graduating. I also hope that I can keep the connection to my cohort and surround myself with those who share a mission-driven purpose and believe in the importance of conservation. The biggest thing I learned has been that conservation isn't for the animals - it's for us. Our very survival depends on what we do in the next 10 years, and I'll be working hard to do my part.

One Bad Turn

When in doubt, post lolcats.

We often ask ourselves, or at least I often ask myself, why bad things happen all at once. It feels like one bad turn deserves another and if they were somewhat more spaced out they wouldn't all feel like so much bad. If they didn't happen all at once they would be more manageable, would seem more like unpleasant blips, and wouldn't leave us (or is it just me?) sinking in quicksand.

Not that I'm sinking in quicksand.

But maybe it's not that the bad things happen all together so much as we (goddammit, I) just notice the unpleasant blips in a more significant way when life leaves us feeling run down. Maybe it's all unpleasant little blips and the only reason we notice them is because of our reaction to them. And sure, some really are bad things. I've said several times– much more than I intended– how much it sucked (and continues sucking) to be dumped by my dad. But I can't help but wonder if that's affected the way I reacted to others. The months I spent discovering my dad's increasingly deeper level of alienation were also months I spent entirely uncertain about my relationships with guys, including one I fell for but was cruelly (at least in my head) made aware things wouldn't progress, and one who wanted to be with me who I ended up rejecting (somewhat cruelly). Did my pain over my dad cause me to cling even tighter to the one who was there before I was disowned, making the eventual non-break-up sting even more? Would I have been as upset had the whole father fiasco never happened?

Who knows. It's utterly impossible to look at the situation with an objective eye.

As the matter stands now, I started the new year with the best intentions of doing what's best for me. So far I've made a ton of accomplishments and it's only February. I'm proud of myself. This year holds immense promise, promise so tangible I'm just waiting for what's certain to come. Yet, as I've said before, waiting kills. I ended up rekindling things with the one I'd rejected, which has been an additional bright spot in the last couple of months, though it doesn't help that we see each other somewhat rarely. Between that, being publicly ignored by my dad at my cousin's wedding, and getting drunk "I miss you" texts at 3am, it definitely feels like unpleasant blips happen all at once.

Maybe I'm looking for something to blame for my confusion or am just getting carried away with the self psychology. The good news is March is right around the corner and I'm very excited about it. In March I celebrate some special birthdays, my favorite Irish holiday and, most exciting of all, my half marathon. Running has been my most constant source of happiness this year and I'm thrilled with how far I've come and how far I imagine I can go. Those thoughts make me happy.

Bad Combination

This is a perfect description of my life right now.

Hindsight is great for realizing when certain things are bad combos. Like Sublime said, it does not pay to be drunk and horny.

Luckily for me, I have this thing called foresight. I happen to know quite well how alcohol affects me, and because I happen to be pinning for a certain boy, I know I should not be drinking. But unfortunately I happen to know equally well how boredom affects me, and right now I have 6 hours before I have to be anywhere and a very silent cell phone with Said Boy's phone number sitting right there, taunting me. Now, Said Boy does not have my phone number anymore so I have finally stopped getting that butterfly feeling when I get a text message, thinking beyond hope he's contacted me. Sad, but that's a step in the right direction.

I realize some people might want to slap me for saying this, but at 24 this is the first time I've been left. I was the one to do the leaving in my 2 relationships and because it took me for-freaking-ever to come to the decision both times, when I actually did it I was already kind of over it. So I have to say I feel a little heartbroken this time. Just when I'm starting to get some significantly strong feelings for Said Boy it's over. Which makes me sad all day. Plus, because I quit my job, now I don't even have the ridiculously young but ridiculously good looking boys to look at anymore. Sigh.

Hence, bored and missing Said Boy makes for an awkward post.

Last Summer

I was happy with my new boyfriend.

I want it to be last summer again. I was learning and growing and changing so much and I felt like the whole world was right in front of me. I was in that stage where you just realize you're in love and life could not be better, especially since it was life that I was so in love with.

Now I feel the learning and growing and changing has stopped, that the world is so far away, that life is going nowhere. It's all been replaced by sadness and anger and frustration; it's like I'm caught in quicksand and the more I struggle to get back to where I was the deeper I sink. Sooner or later it'll be too late and I'll drown. I'll have to leave the Park that I love so much, and that thought alone makes me want to cry.

At the beginning of last summer I still called myself a Christian, I was discovering that other people shared my passion, and I was living in the beautiful, bustling heart of San Diego and loved my boyfriend. Soon I started questioning my religion even more- I'd already decided I wasn't a very good Catholic and seeing the closed-mindedness of other Christians (The Ex just dismissed my feelings) embarrassed me. When I saw how excited people got about animals I realized how "meh" The Ex felt about them (other than cats and dogs) and started realizing that I wanted to be with someone who shared that passion. Living in Hillcrest, seeing people enjoying their lives made me realize I wanted to really live, not just settle for contentment.

Then, The Ex's former roommate signed a lease with his girlfriend and we all went out for Taco Tuesday. They were adorable in a non-sickening way. It was obvious they were crazy for each other, and we all wanted them to have everything in the whole world. But then, after watching them adore each other, the table turned to us and asked about our plans. I'd already made my feelings known to The Ex months before... but maybe after seeing how excitedly happy our friends were he would see something else for us... But he said, "We'll see when the time comes." No one even asked what that meant. The next day I decided it was time to leave. So I took a week, went out, had fun and forgot about him. He wasn't surprised when I called him after that week and ended it. Maybe he always thought I wasn't serious, or maybe he figured I'd come back after a few months. But I wasn't going to waste this amazing life with someone who wanted different things.

I just found out that the former roommate married his girlfriend. I've never been so truly happy to hear someone got married or engaged- it was perfect for them, and we all knew it. A long time ago I asked the girlfriend about their relationship and she said, with a thick German accent, that she just had to have him. Like it could not be helped, like she had no say in the matter. I know I never would have been as happy with The Ex as those two were every day I saw them. For a while I blamed it on how long we'd been together; 5 years is a long time, but when you start stashing Chipotle napkins in your glove compartment because you'll end up crying during a fight (we fought in the car so roommates couldn't hear) it's time to leave.

At the end of last summer I was talking with a friend about relationships. He said his ideal future is to run a non-profit animal/ecological center with his wife. Living simply, with nature. This would be my ideal future, too. A friend occasionally asks me what I'd do with a million dollars, and I tell her I'd open a rehabilitation center for wildlife. Someday I also want to open a place where rescued elephants can live out their lives, like the Black Beauty Ranch, but designed for elephants.

I went into last summer looking forward to work. When my lead called me early in the morning I asked, "Do I get to work today?!" I ditched plans to stay late or go in on a non-scheduled day (that was only partially because I was broke). I did the dirty work with a smile. Every day was wonderful because every day I was learning about the amazing animals I got to see up close all day long with coworkers and guests who had a real interest in their futures. It was amazing.

This summer I'm trying to figure out how to not get in trouble. There's a fine line between being safe and not injuring myself and being fast, and I don't know where that line is. There's a fine line between an "open door policy" and complaining and being negative, and every thing I say comes out wrong. It might be true that it is what you make it, but it's also true that my guests don't care about the animals the same way that photo caravan guests do. And it might also be true that management in other departments are just as retarded as management in mine, but at least other departments have animals. At least in other departments it's not weird, unnecessary, or "not my job" to continually learn about animals.

I want it to be last summer again.

Really happy.

Letter To My Dad

Dear Dad,

Here is the response I'd like to send you, but won't because it won't do any good. So the Internet gets it! Ha. Oh isn't family fun?

Yes you heard me wrong. I did say you should find someone else, someone that would make you even happier because she would be liked by those who love you, and yes, I did call her a "butterface" (which, by the way, you laughed at and agreed to). But, and listen up because this is a BIG but, in no way, shape or form in any language on any planet in the whole universe did I say or intend or imply that you should find someone prettier. On the contrary, dear dad, I said you should find someone who isn't maybe so perfect by society standards, maybe someone with a beautiful face but who physically matches you (what, you think you take such good care of your body that you deserve someone who weighs 90 pounds?). In fact, I said that maybe you're overlooking some wonderful women who would be more welcomed into your family because they had an extra pound or two from kids. But no, you have such high physical standards that personality and compatibility and being liked by your family are a far second, third and fourth. You said if you loved someone enough you'd spend the rest of your life living in complete isolation from the world. You think that's romantic but it's just stupid. But if you want to isolate yourself from your friends, relatives and kids for the sake of the latest "love of your life", then I wish you happiness. Actually that's a lie... I'd sit back and wait for you to realize how silly you are and then smugly say (to myself) "I told you so."

And actually, I did give her a chance. When I first met her and I heard all the good (/indifferent) reviews my sisters gave her, and she tried taking me for a pedicure and seemed very into you, she earned points. And it was cool that she was accepting of my sister needing help and a place with family to stay. But when my sister called me to ask for some help because your girlfriend was making a fast job of running her life (I read "the contract" and am not just taking sides without reason) I had to speak up. And then when your daughters tell you, to your face and in front of me, that you don't listen to them and you respond with, "I'll listen but don't expect anything to change," how can you expect us to see it any differently than you being a lazy, pussy whipped man looking for any way out of responsibility? You're right that I didn't know her very well, except for what my sisters told me, but when they both tell me the same thing, and that thing is something very typical of you, why would I not believe them? Would you believe them if they said I adopted another cat/rat/dog? It's something I've done in the past. They told me your girlfriend was trying to act like their mom and you weren't listening. You said they never approached you with their concerns, but did they and maybe you just didn't listen? So yes, I believed them.

I didn't break your heart, dad. You didn't even listen to me, didn't care enough about my opinion or the opinions of my sisters to listen. It was like you made a ransom note using choice words I did say in order to create something so completely different, and held it up to me as proof. There's no arguing with that, I'm afraid. You will see what you want for as long as you want, and we'll just have to wait it out. You won't believe me, but I'm not resentful that you have a girlfriend. You will believe until the day you die that all us kids want is for you and mom to get back together so we can be one happy family, but it just doesn't work that way (despite what your own parents did). You're projecting your feelings on us- you wish mom didn't leave you, maybe you even regret not trying harder to stop her (or trying at all), and we certainly wish divorce wasn't the ugly beast it was, but all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. What we do resent, however, is the person you become when someone tells you they love you. You lose a part of you, and you certainly lose a big part of us.

You think we just don't want you to be happy, that as long as you're miserable and alone and bored we'll be happy. You know why you think this? Because we're different when you're single, because you're different when you're single. You have time for us. You call me. You take an interest. You tell us you're proud of us. But as soon as someone else comes into you're life you almost seem to forget you have kids; it's like you regret that you have a minor living with you, cramping your style, regret that we don't all live farther away so we only see you for holidays when everyone is happy and smiling. You didn't want kids, you didn't want a divorce, but you didn't stop either one from happening (in fact, I'm pretty sure you took an active role in both acts). Don't blame us for that.

This is not new and uncomfortable for us, I promise. You going from a beer drinking, gluten eating, full-blooded Italian-American man to a gluten-free, nothing-but-Coors, organic yogurt boyfriend is what unnerves us. Remember with Sue you drank martinis and went to nice dinners? Remember with the dog trainer you were going to sign Boo up for obedience classes? Remember with your cousin (or whatever she was) that you wanted family around for Easter? You change so much with each new "woman in your life." That's what's hard for us to keep up with. You should figure out who you are before you decide a woman is "the one." I can't believe I, at 24, am telling my 50-something dad this- you were married for more than 20 years; it's time for a reevaluation. Find someone who suits you as a person, not only someone who has a skinny frame and wants a happy family. On your online dating profile (come on, I know you still have it) un-click the button that says "looks are extremely important to me." You'll probably find women who would not only make you very happy but make us happy too. Wouldn't that be better?

This is not about Cheri, dad. It's about you. Find your backbone. Find out what it means to be a dad. Admit your mistakes, including allowing Cheri to try controlling your daughter's life. We appreciate what she's been through, but quiet support would go miles farther than a fucking contract. And you know it.

So, since this is my response to your e-mail, and you won't read this, I guess we won't have much to talk about for a while. That does make me sad, but you forget I did this already, and you don't even know why. I'll wait for this to blow over, because I'm sure it will sooner or later.

Love,

Lindsay

In Which People Tend to Resemble Their Pets

This is not news.

Studies, stories, and certain stereotypes surround the concept of inter-species look-a-likes. Consensus has long been that married couples begin to look alike, and Rachel Toor combined both concepts by pointing out how her pets resembled her husbands and lovers in The Pig and I, cleverly capitalizing on the theory.

A couple of days ago one of my clearance fish died and the survivor was listless. After being frustrated with PetsMart for telling me plants would be in Wednesday... no, Tuesday... no, Monday, and not having plants for three weeks I bought plants and a few small fish (elsewhere) to keep my clearance fish company. As soon as I got the new fish in there he started swimming around them, but curiously didn't join their mini school. It was enough company just to know they were in the tank with him, and he stayed nearby, keeping a tiny distance. Most of the time I know that my friends are nearby and I can see them any time I want to, and contentedly live alone the rest of the time. However, this weekend it seems most of my friends are gone: off on spring break, on a camping trip, or generally too busy on weekends to get together. I feel kind of like my clearance fish felt before he got companions.*

No, we just don't like him.

Chloe, on the other hand, is both very much like me and very much not. Her tolerance for company is painfully limited; she prefers solitude, but when she wants attention she's rather enjoyable. You don't go to her, she comes to you. Of course, sometimes she's plain crazy and will attack your ankle simply for walking past her. Lucky she's cute enough to get away with almost anything, except standing in the potted plants, which happens to be her new favorite flavor or mischief.

Sure, she's cute now.

*EDIT: Clearance fish #2 died Sunday. Figures.