July 5, 2010

3 Steps To Happiness

Feels like it's been a while since I was happy. I was the happiest I've ever been last summer with my job, my home, and my situation in life. I was unhappy in my relationship, but that was easy enough to end, and then I was super happy. So what's changed to make me unhappy?

(1) Had to leave my studio because I couldn't afford it, (2) had to leave my job because there wasn't enough work for them to keep me, (3) and I miss having a someone. These changes weren't all bad, though: I got to live with a friend for 6 months, and he was the best roommate I've ever had, I got to stay at the Wild Animal Park in a different department, and I got to have a... something... with... a someone for a little while.

Step 1:
Since I still can't afford another studio I have no choice but to have a roommate. Unfortunately, my friend and I couldn't live together anymore because we both really wanted to live in different places. But that means I got to move back to Hillcrest for cheap. And if you see the previous post, you'll learn that being able to go running in Balboa Park is my happy place. I love Hillcrest. This is my neighborhood. I'd love to be able to buy a condo here. The atmosphere is so chill- people just do their own thing, there's always groups of people out and about, so many restaurants and bars and places to have fun, lots of dogs, and easy access to other cool areas. Plus, I was able to set up my room to be a (very) miniature studio: I fit my couch and coffee table in my room, have a TV (with cable!), and a large bay window that the kitty loves to look out of. I filled the sill with scented candles to give it kind of a romantic setting and I have my own bathroom so I can be neurotic as I want with it. Only downside to this move is the new roommate: he kind of hid that he's a smoker until I moved in (he smokes outside but it still wafts into the kitchen) and the kitchen needs cleaning and disinfecting like crazy. Still, not a whole lot of downside, so it was a happy move.

Step 2:
Last September I cried on the steps to my building because I wasn't going to be considered for a job at the Park that I really wanted. My friend tried his best to console me by telling me I would get another job I had applied for. I sobbed that I knew I would, but I didn't want it. I got it and it had it's very cool perks, but I never loved it. I loved that I was still at the Park, and my coworkers were the cool, but that was it, and it wasn't enough. So when I finally realized how miserable I was I left. Jimmy said it best: "Never thought I'd walk away from you. I did, but it's a false sense of accomplishment." It broke my heart to leave the place I once felt so happy. I have no idea what I'm going to do now, but at least I can get a full night of rest without waking up every hour freaking out that I'm late for work, I don't have to live with a pit in my stomach, I don't have to analyze everything I do to figure out how to best avoid getting in trouble, and I don't have to be taken advantage of anymore.

Step 3:
I had started to develop some strong feelings for a guy I was seeing but not really dating. We don't live in the same city and I didn't want to have a long distance relationship (been there, done that, it sucks), so we just saw each other when we could and texted. Naturally, I develop feelings, and I knew he was, too. But not long ago I was dishonest about another encounter and he got rightfully hurt and stopped seeing and talking to me. Naturally, I'm pretty bummed. But when I start to get a little more over it he'll drunk text he misses me and the process starts all over again. I was the one to end my past relationships (yup, all 2 of them), so not having control over it is a new experience, and one I'm not particularly liking. Part of me wants to remove all reminders (which are kind of a lot... funny how you don't realize that until it starts to hurt you) and just move on, but another part knows we'll still talk in the future, so doing something dramatic isn't smart. The last step to happiness is to accept the way things are and move on with my own life. Love will come in time.

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