Love Of My Life

It doesn't feel strange at all to me that the first time I felt real love was for my cat Milo. I loved my parents and my sisters, had some obligatory love for more distant family members, really liked my friends, but that cat was different.

And it's not just me saying that: ask my family, my friends who knew him, even my old neighbors. He was mine, and he was universally loved. (Well, almost universally loved, but that's another story.) Once, my dad and my first boyfriend were talking about him and my dad said, "It's a shame you never met him." My boyfriend laughed, thinking my dad (who never admitted liking animals, especially cats) was being sarcastic, but my dad quickly corrected him, saying, "No, it really is a shame. He was a good cat."

I loved my boyfriends, but now that they're out of the picture that love is gone. Milo has been out of the picture for almost 9 years but he's still the love of my life. Today he would have turned 16. I would have made him a cake (wet food on a plate with dry food sprinkled all over, topped with a candle), would be telling my friends to come celebrate, and would have taken pictures. He would have hated it but he would have put up with it, because that's just the kind of guy he was.

It was with him that I recognized that warm spark in my heart, and because of that I was able to recognize it with others, even Chloe, as different as a cat could possibly be from Milo. Somehow animals give more than people do, something I'll always be grateful for.

Being A Girl

The best picture I had of me being a girl. It's called, "Om nom nom."

I hemmed and hawed over whether I should write girl or woman... I picked girl because half the time I still don't consider myself more woman than girl, and even the strongest most adult women have girly moments. Especially when it comes to boys.

It's so easy for a woman to say she hates being female. We have to deal with periods (which suck), we have greater burdens in society (see my earlier post about it being cool that you have a career but not as cool as having a family), we want so badly to please whatever man we're with that we ignore our own needs, and when some man disappoints us in some way we're all torn up about it. That last part is true no matter what the situation is: good and not so good men disappoint women, women who often deserve more because of that desire to please. (Granted, this is not a 100% universal truth, but I bet you know more than a handful of people who can attest.)

I'm not quite sure what it is about me that makes me follow this pattern, but in my rather limited dating experience I've managed to pick boyfriends those close to me don't necessarily like. There was one certain boy who seemed to charm everyone, but that didn't last long and those close to me didn't get to know him well. But my most recent love interest was much trickier: something in me knew not to trust him, knew there was something deeper that I wouldn't appreciate, but that damn accent and charming smile and shared love for nature that we could discuss for hours roped me in. Thing about this particular situation was I knew it was temporary, so part of me wanted to ignore the overpowering rational side of me that was saying, "Caution!" and let the quiet romantic side of me take over. Goddamn rational side always wins these arguments. So, though I regret that there wasn't more time to get to know each other, the things we didn't do, the conversations we didn't have, I don't regret the decisions I made. And though I'm definitely pretty sad over the loss of someone I had feelings for, someone I considered a friend, and mostly upset that I am sad over those losses, I still love being a girl, emotions and all.

Feeling this sadness proves those romantic feelings in me exist, proves I took what time I had to get to know someone at least a little despite knowing it had a definite expiration date. It proves also that I can see the good in people, can recognize the talent and beauty in them. And that's what I appreciate. I know my friends are flawed, I know my family is flawed, I know I'm flawed. We all are, but I'm ready to see the best, give someone the benefit of the doubt, see everyone's glass as half full.

At least until you give me no reason to do so anymore. I'm not above writing people off... After all, I'm just a girl.

Patriotism

You're either with us or a fucking terrorist.

"Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all other countries because you were born in it." George Bernard Shaw

This must be necessarily true in order for a person to be a good and loyal patriot. Americans seem to take it to heart; we really believe we're the best despite the shit we pull on other countries (though, to be fair, no country is good and pure). Now we're in this thing against Muslims and people are so uptight and afraid over silly little things. A school group, studying the world's religions, visited a synagogue, attended a gospel, and met Hindus. But people don't get all upset until they visit a mosque. And they don't even get upset when they visit the mosque- they wait until there's all this renewed tension surrounding Muslims to release a video of some of the students participating in the prayer to get all upset. The cool thing is the parents aren't upset at all- school officials are saying it was a bad move on the teacher's part. Which is silly: they can visit holy places of other religions, but the very fact that people got upset over them visiting a mosque is the whole point of the class, called "Enduring Beliefs and the World Today."

"The backlash against the visit... underscored the need for such exchanges."

Um, exactly. How can Christians, who are supposed to turn the other cheek and be accepting of others in the name of the Lord, be so hard hearted against another group of people, for no reason? I understand the flaw in my rhetorical question: humans are flawed, religion or not. But when the religion you profess to follow preaches such humble traits, aren't you a little more of a hypocrite if you don't follow?

These maps are awesome!

Also, this is interesting:

1. Fox is the Devil's station.

F = 6th letter

O = 15th letter (1+5=6)

X = 24th letter (2+4=6)

2. Sarah Palin is an anagram of Sharia Plan. Think about it. (Thanks, Reddit!)

Fall Is Here!

Get ready, California. It's fire season!

San Diego may not have realized it was summer until August, but boy come September and it's already excited about fall.

OK, I may be projecting my excitement on a city, but there is a change in the air.

Some people say that San Diego has only one season: summer. Or, mostly summer. And sure, we don't get snow and our streets aren't lined with fallen leaves (they're lined with palm and pine, instead), but those people don't notice the more subtle changes of the seasons. Going for a run in the mornings is a lot more comfortable since the temperature dropped, and the gathering of dark clouds over my neighborhood the other day (with a bonus of sprinkles!) made taking my car in for work almost not completely miserable. And then I remembered all the amazing things fall brings, like apples! And fall beer! And pumpkins! And orange things! And my birthday! And fog! And warm clothes! And hats! And Halloween!

And Oktoberfest!

Fall also means I can drink tea without it being uncomfortably warm. And light candles for the mood and for warmth. And I won't have to add ice cubes to the fish tank. And the cat will shed less. And I can wear just a sweatshirt. And I can cuddle with blankets on the couch. And maybe it'll rain, and I can listen to it fall in the street right outside my window.

Not to mention, this fall will hopefully bring some new opportunities. And that I'm definitely ready for.

Urge To Fly

I've been restless. Pretty much since the first days of 2010, when I first began to realize my job was leading absolutely nowhere, I've felt caught in a rut of shit jobs and abandoned dreams.

But I may have found a way to break the rut, if not follow my dreams. As you may have read before, it's come to my knowledge that I'd probably make a pretty fantastic English teacher. I met with the academic director at my school and she suggested that the only way I could be a better candidate for when they're hiring is if I get a TEFL certificate.

And you know what? I could teach anywhere in the world with that. And that's kind of exciting.

I've had the urge to leave San Diego. California, even. Not forever, but long enough to scratch the itch that's been growing for the last 9 months. I was thinking East Coast, but with a TEFL certificate I can go to the UK or Australia... or maybe elsewhere in Europe, or even South America. As a native speaker with a degree and a certificate I can teach at any number of language schools around the world or here in San Diego.

And that's where I'll start. I was feeling kind of down about myself for being weeks away from 25 and have made negative progress on my masters degree (hell, I don't even know what I want to do...), but isn't now the time to go where the wind takes you? Isn't your twenties the time to travel the world, gain international experience, meet new and interesting people and have the kinds of stories you tell your grandkids? And if I'm having the itch now, well dammit I oughta scratch it.