February 24, 2011

One Bad Turn

When in doubt, post lolcats.

We often ask ourselves, or at least I often ask myself, why bad things happen all at once. It feels like one bad turn deserves another and if they were somewhat more spaced out they wouldn't all feel like so much bad. If they didn't happen all at once they would be more manageable, would seem more like unpleasant blips, and wouldn't leave us (or is it just me?) sinking in quicksand.

Not that I'm sinking in quicksand.

But maybe it's not that the bad things happen all together so much as we (goddammit, I) just notice the unpleasant blips in a more significant way when life leaves us feeling run down. Maybe it's all unpleasant little blips and the only reason we notice them is because of our reaction to them. And sure, some really are bad things. I've said several times– much more than I intended– how much it sucked (and continues sucking) to be dumped by my dad. But I can't help but wonder if that's affected the way I reacted to others. The months I spent discovering my dad's increasingly deeper level of alienation were also months I spent entirely uncertain about my relationships with guys, including one I fell for but was cruelly (at least in my head) made aware things wouldn't progress, and one who wanted to be with me who I ended up rejecting (somewhat cruelly). Did my pain over my dad cause me to cling even tighter to the one who was there before I was disowned, making the eventual non-break-up sting even more? Would I have been as upset had the whole father fiasco never happened?

Who knows. It's utterly impossible to look at the situation with an objective eye.

As the matter stands now, I started the new year with the best intentions of doing what's best for me. So far I've made a ton of accomplishments and it's only February. I'm proud of myself. This year holds immense promise, promise so tangible I'm just waiting for what's certain to come. Yet, as I've said before, waiting kills. I ended up rekindling things with the one I'd rejected, which has been an additional bright spot in the last couple of months, though it doesn't help that we see each other somewhat rarely. Between that, being publicly ignored by my dad at my cousin's wedding, and getting drunk "I miss you" texts at 3am, it definitely feels like unpleasant blips happen all at once.

Maybe I'm looking for something to blame for my confusion or am just getting carried away with the self psychology. The good news is March is right around the corner and I'm very excited about it. In March I celebrate some special birthdays, my favorite Irish holiday and, most exciting of all, my half marathon. Running has been my most constant source of happiness this year and I'm thrilled with how far I've come and how far I imagine I can go. Those thoughts make me happy.

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