In Which I Am 13

Check the name tag.

I got my period. (Yep, that's what this post is about. Keep reading, boys!)

For the first time in more than 3 years I stopped taking birth control pills and decided to go au natural for a little bit, and it feels like I'm 13 again and learning everything for the first time. All of a sudden I'm dealing with pimples, which hasn't been an issue for years. (Also, I'm TWENTY FIVE and shouldn't have pimples in the first place.) Cramps have all but disappeared, which is bittersweet because duh, no more cramps, but they're also a great way to know when I'm getting my period, which is super helpful when I'm not taking pills.

I decided to take some time off the pills partly because it's been a while since I've taken a break, partly because I'm not getting laid for the immediate future, and partly because I've forgotten how my body would react off the hormones. My theory is if birth control pills make your body believe its pregnant constantly (hence the whole bigger boobs thing), then wouldn't you be storing belly fat? And if you stop taking the pills, wouldn't you be more likely to lose some of that belly fat? The same could be said about the boobs but I'm not too concerned about that: taking hormones for the last 6 years gave me a nice stock pile. And so far I'm feeling much lighter in all the right places, even this week.

After a month, the consensus is there are reasons to be on the pills and reasons to be off. Obviously the next time I'm having sex on a regular basis I'll be back on them, but for the time being I think I'll be happy taking a few months off. I may have to deal with acne and not knowing when I'll get my period, but feeling a little lighter and saving those pills for when I'll need them is worth it.

Stay tuned for the next time I feel like blogging about my bodily functions.

The "Secret" Link Between Diet and Health

Or don't eat like a fatty.

I come from three very food-oriented cultures: the Irish love them their potatoes, the Italians treat pasta like a god, and Americans, well, we all know how Americans eat.

It's not difficult to see how eating healthy foods can contribute to a healthy body. These past few weeks of marvelous unemployment I've become a regular gourmet in my kitchen, dishing up gnocchi with tomatoes, chicken sausage, bell peppers, onions, garlic and cheese, and  a plate of baby greens topped with bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, artichoke hearts, and balsamic dressing, and some broccoli rice and chicken sausage. I even made goat cheese and sun-dried tomato pizza!

However, very shortly before unemployment started, the same week in fact, I discovered I have eczema. (This "discovery" involved a trip to urgent care, some ointments, two days off work, and over $400. And there goes nearly a third of my severance pay. Bastards.)

I've been researching what I could do to keep the disgusting rash at bay. The following are lists of "Do's" and "Don'ts."

Eat shitloads of the following:

• Water based fruits and vegetables, such as cantaloupe, tomatoes, and green "peepers." I love finding typos in others' work.
• Vitamin rich fruits and vegetables, such as strawberries, carrots, and leafy green veggies.
• Sulfur rich foods, like eggs, garlic and asparagus.

One website even published a sample menu.

• Breakfast is a raw fruit smoothie with "golden flax seeds," "wild crafted blue green algae," "green drink mix," and "probiotics." WTF are blue green algae and green drink mix? 
• Lunch is vegetables added to any of the following: salmon, rice, potatoes, and miso soup. Boredom not allowed.
• Dinner is a glass of vegetable juice. That you juice yourself. V8 is cheating.

Here's a list of things to avoid like the plague:

• Fried foods and animal fats (and apparently every meat except salmon)
• Soft drinks, sugar, chocolate, potato chips, or any other junk food
• Alcohol and caffeine
• Hot water (seriously)
• Fun (not so seriously)

There is such a thing as going too far. You'll look like the orange patient in "Scrubs" after a few weeks of eating nothing but colorful vegetables.

Not the guy I meant; he apparently doesn't exist on the Internet.

I'll just stick to the recommended 8 glasses of water a day. When filtered water was free and chilled at work I'd go through about 2 liters every day. My happiness would suffer if I were restricted to juicing vegetables three times a day, and don't they say the placebo effect can have as much to do with health as many cures?

Or maybe the simplest solution is on the tip of my tongue... There have been cases of eczema that have been "cured" due to a major hormonal change. I couldn't afford health insurance with my paycheck, so when my free birth control ran out and Planned Parenthood wanted me to pay for more I took a hiatus. Luckily (?), after a week I lost my job and qualified for free pills again. I had recently tried Ortho Evra, or the Patch, which caused weight gain and "enhanced" emotions. All of this was exactly at the time my eczema began. I'll be a happy, happy camper if all I have to do to keep the itchy away is take the pills I'm used to taking. I'll update in a month or so.