Calm The Fuck Down

This is what I need to tell myself on a far more regular basis.

And possibly post more anteater pictures...

Anyone reading this somewhat regularly since... well, I started, knows that I was loosely diagnosed with eczema. I'm still not 100% convinced this is what it is, especially since my symptoms are pretty much all wrong. The only thing that still makes it look and act like eczema is the all over itchy rash that makes me want to claw my skin off.

Anyway, I've discovered that whatever it is is stress induced. I've been to Planned Parenthood a few times this year alone issues that could be tied to whatever skin rash I have. The last time I went she asked me if I felt stressed or worried in my relationship (resounding no) or in life. I said, "well, I'm always stressed," in a nonchalant, this-is-typical-for-me way. Because it's true. There's always fucking something.

This time I've got it pared down: started a new job (3 month probationary period, looking at it like an extended interview, trying to be the best); sometimes I feel totally overwhelmed in my new job because I'm surrounded by some really smart people who know what they're doing and who are giving me very real responsibilities; some jackwad ran into my car and caused me $800 worth of repairs that my full coverage insurance won't cover; and the cherry on top is some other jackwad stuck a business card on my car window which slipped into the door frame as I rolled the window down because I didn't notice until it was there until it was too late. Boom, stress rash. And then I freak the fuck out and try to figure out if it is in fact eczema by looking at photos and descriptions online, which just makes me itch more.

But I honestly shouldn't be that stressed, definitely not enough to cause a rash to break out on my arms and legs. I did just get back from a very lovely vacation; I'm very happy in my job and mostly unworried about the probationary period because they seem to like me a bunch and the fact that they are giving me big responsibilities is telling; even though I sometimes feel overwhelmed the very next day I feel like I have a handle on things and that I'm just as smart as my coworkers; I can afford my car repairs (I'm just mad that I have them); taking on a very small bit of debt when I have a steady income shouldn't freak me out.

HA!

The vast, vast majority of my worry and stress stems from money (thanks, mom and dad). I know what makes me happy and I've pretty much got everything I need and want: my cat who sometimes loves me, a job that fulfills me, a boyfriend who adores me, an apartment I'm going to be sad to leave, a roommate I'm friends with, an easy 10 minute walking commute, a neighborhood and city I belong in, and dozens of opportunities every week to satisfy my little desires. But I just wrapped up debt and started to save up for things I want, rather than just the things I need, before being unemployed for a brief period, which added to a vacation did give me back some credit card debt, which I had been happy to be rid of. Add to that my new car repairs and the car insurance I still haven't finished paying off (all thanks to timing) and I've got myself some saving to do. Plus, there are the things I've wanted for a long time that I would much rather not postpone anymore: a new bed, my own apartment, and (maybe) an iPhone. As long as I wait until mid-November and know I'm secure in my position I think it'd be OK to take on a little debt (famous last words, right?). Fortunately, I make enough to save that money in a few months as long as I stick to the frugal lifestyle I adopted in college and never really grew out of. By the new year I should be debt free again and able to start saving for my next vacation, build up a security savings for when the next something happens (because it always does), and start paying down my car faster.

And in the meantime, tell myself to just calm the fuck down. I got this. I really do.

In Which I Am A Hippie, and 13 Again

Because it's a condom with an elephant. I can't not love this.

Well this is just getting frustrating. (Boys may want to stop reading riiiiiiight now.) While I'm all about conserving resources and being environmentally friendly in every way possible, there are just some things I was OK being wasteful with, and those things center around hygiene. This is especially the case with the so-called "feminine hygiene" products, or tampons and pads. Those use once then throw away goodies felt good: fresh, light and most importantly clean - kind of important during a time that can feel messy and unhygienic. 

And then the body all of a sudden decides that those things aren't going to cut it anymore. Thanks to the dyes and chemicals and handling that consumer products go through, which all end up absorbed in the body, pads and tampons are toxic. They have the unfortunate task of associating themselves with the most sensitive body parts, and when those toxins are absorbed directly inside the body, not just on the surface of the skin, it feels uncomfortable*. And lucky me, all of this just happens to occur during my period, when I'm already not feeling terrific.

I've switched almost every body product I can so that I'm avoiding the majority of the toxins that can be absorbed in the skin (my shampoo, conditioner, lotions, face wash, face scrub, and bar soap are all made without SLS, animal testing and [mostly] parabens) to lessen the negative effects of eczema, but it still rears its ugly head on occasion. This time the culprit was pads. Fortunately my period is incredibly light, so it's really not bad at all, but it's so light it makes wearing tampons uncomfortable for most of the week. I usually stick to light pads or pantiliners because that's all I need. But I guess the plastic (latex), chemical absorbers and other additives got to be too much for my sensitive skin. 

I went to Planned Parenthood hoping they'd have an answer and all the nurse needed was one look. She said lots of women are irritated by pads and confidently and immediately told me to switch to tampons. Do not use pads or pantiliners anymore.

Which has me looking at websites like this and this and wondering how I'm going to deal with a period that is too light for tampons (which can be uncomfortable and a little bit dangerous on light days) and skin that doesn't like pads. I should be the perfect candidate for those washable and reusable pantiliners because I guess I can't wear the disposable ones anymore and I'm already passionate about conservation, but honestly the notion makes me a little weary. This was one of those things, along with paper towels, that I was OK using because of their hygienic benefits, especially considering my attempt at being mindful of the waste both create. Guess I'm taking more and more steps to being a complete hippy...


I used to be so resilient, always thought I had tough organs, especially skin. Apparently that's changed and I have to be very picky about what I put on, and in, my body. The sensitivities (they still feel too slight to be full blown allergies) are piling up and making basic tasks very frustrating. Here's to feeling like a girl again and not knowing what the next month will bring.

*Uncomfortable: A horribly itchy, sometimes painful sensation that lasts for days and makes everything from walking to wearing underwear noticeable and unpleasant.

Palm Oil Invasion

Wish I had my photos... I could show you a lady I know.

Right before bed last night I read an article about palm oil. In addition to the damaging effects I knew about (deforestation, rampant species extinction, encouraging poverty), the article describes how is encourages child labor and slavery. For many months I've been reading the ingredient list on all of the packaged or processed foods I buy (which actually isn't very much) looking for palm oil and palm kernel oil. Turns out I should be looking at the products in my shower, too.

Sodium laureth sulfate is an ingredient in many shampoos and body washes. I recognize this ingredient because for the last two years I've wondered if it's a contributing factor to having irritated skin in certain areas and have been trying to find shampoos that are both cruelty-free and sodium lareth sulfate free. Know how hard that is? I checked the bottles in my shower this morning, including my beloved St. Ives Oatmeal and Shea body wash and Apricot face scrub, and lo and behold SLS. I honestly woke up saddened at the realization that SLS is in fucking everything and then got even more sad as I discovered the ingredient in products I've loved for years. For most of the day I felt a sort of helpless. I really try to make environmentally conscious decisions every day: how many paper towels I use when I dry my hands at work, running errands close to work or home so I'm not driving out of my way and wasting gas, making sure the lights are turned off, turning off my fan every morning... yet by buying products I thought were good for me and good for the Earth I'm actually contributing to loss of forests and the extinction of species.

But this story isn't all bad. On my way home from work I stopped at Sprouts to pick up some groceries and my face lotion. While I was there I figured I was in a good place to check out body products that meet my standards. Turns out Sprouts is a very good place for that! There's a great variety of brands that are within my price range, have the leaping bunny logo, and even many that are sodium laureth sulfate free. I understand my price range for these products is significantly higher than most people's but for what I'm getting I think it's worth it. Knowing the things I use on my body aren't tested on animals, that the money I spend isn't contributing to species loss and also not irritating my skin is well worth the nine bucks.

But it looks like I'm now in the market for a new body wash that meets those specifications and also moisturizes super well, so, you know, if you've got one I'm interested. Otherwise I'll be spending the next several months testing out various brands until I find one I like enough to stick to, which was a rather expensive and disappointing 2 year process with shampoos.

The Link

I went into the wrong field...

I'm beginning to think there's a link between birth control and eczema...

Since early 2005 (so, for the last 6 years) there has been fewer than 6 months when I was not on some sort of hormonal birth control. The last time I went off the pill was in early 2009 when I ran out, didn't have insurance and Planned Parenthood decided I made too much money to get them for free, meaning I'd have to pay $20 a pack, so I went off it to figure out what to do (can't remember why The Ex wouldn't split it with me...). About a month after I stopped taking them was when I developed eczema and began my avocado and latex intolerance, which I only realized because I had to actually use condoms again. That same week I was laid off, which meant suddenly I was poor enough to get free pills again, so I went right back to Planned Parenthood. The eczema cleared up with some heavy duty steroids and has been dormant for the majority of the last two years.

Fast forward to a little more than a month ago when I decided to take some time off the pills again. And guess what? Starting to see signs of the eczema returning. Which is no fucking fun.

Coincidence? Nothing else has changed recently, and nothing else is the same as it was in February of 2009. I'm living in a different place (and have been for a while), it's not the same time of year, so far I can still eat avocado and Planned Parenthood gave me a stash of latex-free condoms (I've said this before and I'll say it again and again, Planned Parenthood is the absolute best) so I don't have to further aggravate my skin. The only other thing that might be the same is my stress level: I knew I was going to be laid off back then and wondering how I'd pay rent on the studio I just moved into was weighing rather heavily on me, and now I'm working in a stressful environment, have still a good ways to go to be caught up with things that cost a lot of money, and am still on the hunt for a job I like. So possibly stress is causing me to be rashy... However, one very compelling reason I believe the hormonal birth control might be a factor is because I experience rashes in hormonal areas, like armpits (where there are glands) and... other hormonal areas.

For the time being I'll use my body as a mini experiment. I haven't decided how long I'm going to stay off the pills, but I loosely figured I'd go back on if I started a relationship, or like 6 months, or until I am annoyed enough with not knowing when I'll get my period or whatever other thing might annoy me. I've been on birth control for so long it's strange being off it, and if it turns out eczema is one reason to stay on it I'll happily do so till menopause.

Dear World

I found this the other day and it inspired to write my own short, honestly sarcastic letters.

Dear World,

See how "world" is singular? See how I didn't say "dear worlds"? Yeah, we just got the one. Let's stop fucking it up.

Sincerely,

I dunno about that whole living on the moon idea.

Dear Tibia,

I just bought fancy new shoes. Why do you still hurt?

Sincerely,

The half marathon is only 2 months away

Dear Rich Relatives,

If you can fly half way across the country for funzies a few weeks in advance you're not living day to day.

Sincerely,

Living paycheck to paycheck sucks

Dear Eczema,

You're early this year! Now please go away.

Sincerely,

I would like to get laid

Dear Half Marathon,

Did it have to be on Daylight Saving Time?

Sincerely,

I work nights

Dear Students,

The "wash me" in Spanish on my window was funny, the dick was not.

Sincerely,

Grow up

Dear Economy,

Soooooo when's that whole "looking up" thing gonna go down?

Sincerely,

Job hunting is a full time job

Dear Neighbors,

You have the biggest parking spot. Is it necessary to encroach on ours? Could you learn to park within your lines?

Sincerely,

I'm going to dent your passenger door

Thanks, World. I feel better.

The Human Guinea Pig

Butters and Reese

It's pretty rare I get so embarrassed I almost start crying, but today was a rare day.

First off, I'm all for human testing. Humans give their consent to be tested upon, animals don't, and human products don't have consistent results when tested on anything other than humans. So when I found out about a clinical trial testing a new generic cream for eczema I signed my rashy self up.

The trials were conducted in what used to be a dentist office. The nurse, who looked my age if not younger, asked to see my eczema. Unfortunately for me (and everyone else involved), it's not in an area I can see without using a mirror... I had to put on a paper gown while she fetched the (male) doctor. I told her the idea of a male doctor viewing that area was an uncomfortable one, and she tried assuring me it would be just fine.

After waiting almost completely naked in a dentist chair for 30 minutes the doctor and nurse finally came in. He checked my skin in the less embarrassing places with a doubtful look and asked me to stand up to show him the rest. Oh. My. God.

"That's not eczema."

Huh? Sure as hell better be eczema or I want my $400 back from UC Medical Center.

The doctor is convinced it's not eczema because it's not a full blown rash despite me telling him it was when it was originally diagnosed, and even if it was I don't have it bad enough to participate in the trial, so he starts telling me my options. I could go to my general health practitioner, but I don't have one. I could talk to my insurance provider, but I don't have one. I could restrict my diet, but he can't tell me what foods I should eliminate. I could get a prescription for the drug this clinical trial is testing, but they're testing a generic version because it's fucking expensive. I could use him as my doctor, but he'd have to charge me for a visit. I also should not use any antiperspirant until the rash goes away, but I work in fucking Escondido, outside, in the cab of a truck with no air conditioning, in an environment made to resemble Africa. I sweat.

Then he asks me if I have any questions, and at this point I'm so embarrassed I had to bend over for no reason and frustrated at my conflicting diagnoses that I'm slightly teary-eyed.

"No, I don't have any questions."

Then we have a staring contest for half a minute.

"Should I have a question? Is there something I should be asking?"

"No," the doctor says. "Only ask the question you want to ask."

"I don't have any questions."

Keep in mind all this is going on while I'm in a paper robe and have shown very private areas to the dude. Thankfully he leaves, hopefully feeling as awkward as I was. I put my clothes on in record time and am about to bolt when the door opens and the nurse comes back in. I can tell she feels for me and maybe understands my position as a broke-ass person with conflicting diagnoses about a relatively new disease, and she secretly hands me a few trial sized tubes of the test cream. I take them and practically run to my car.

I'm unsure what I should take away from this experience. This all started at Urgent Care with a rash spanning almost my entire body and I was told I had eczema and the eczema medicine helped. All the information I could find on the condition says it's worse in the winter, and since it's not only not winter but the hottest part of summer and I work in "Africa" it makes sense that it's not a full blown rash right now, but a well managed, uncomfortable skin condition. Also, nowhere did I find a consensus on what products or foods to use or avoid- this seems like a highly personal condition, and my version of it is highly unusual, especially having been diagnosed as an adult with no relevant family history. Then this new doctor takes a look and says nope, last doctor got it wrong, so it's probably just an allergy, and maybe I eat too much broccoli and kale. What the fuck is kale?

I'm just going to stay my current course. I make sure to take cool showers, pat or air dry, put lotion on immediately and as often as needed, stay hydrated and eat healthy. And until I can afford health care this is about the only option I have. This is why I get so pissed when people complain about how a public health care option is going to ruin our country- I'm sure these naysayers are all happily insured and don't have to go through embarrassing clinical trials in order to get medicine. And to them I say fuck you, you put me in a terrible mood.

If Monk Had Eczema

I would feel very bad for poor Monk.

I have a mild case of obsessive compulsive disorder when it comes to cleanliness. I wash my hands extremely frequently and shower every day, sometimes twice. Unfortunately, I also have a mild case of eczema, and eczema doesn't like cleanliness. I shower every day and I'm told to shower and use soap as infrequently as I can stand (which is sometimes twice a day, since I work in 90-100 degree heat). I'm learning to pat dry or air dry and to put lots of lotion on immediately following my showers. I've also taken to cold showers, which feel pretty good after a day in Escondido.

I would also feel very bad for poor Monk if he was a she.

Women have to be extra careful with their hygiene, especially during their most womanly days. Periods are not very hygienic, and period products would make Monk mad. For a whole week out of the month, Monk would curse his body: Monk would not have the luxury of standing up at a urinal, but would have to sit on a toilet seat that thousands of strangers have sat on before him, some even going so far as to not use the paper seat protectors (baffles my mind why someone would not use one). He would also have to deal with using period products in the confining space of a public restroom stall while trying to remain on the paper seat protector and not getting messy. There are way more doors and handles and locks to maneuver in a woman's restroom.

I would feel most bad for poor Monk if he was a she and had eczema.

If Monk was a woman with eczema the show would be either hilarious or completely frustrating. If Monk had to deal with not only the trials of womanhood but also a skin disorder he would go berserk. Especially if both showed their ugly heads at the same time.

In other news, I'm glad I have mild cases of eczema, OCD and womanhood.

The "Secret" Link Between Diet and Health

Or don't eat like a fatty.

I come from three very food-oriented cultures: the Irish love them their potatoes, the Italians treat pasta like a god, and Americans, well, we all know how Americans eat.

It's not difficult to see how eating healthy foods can contribute to a healthy body. These past few weeks of marvelous unemployment I've become a regular gourmet in my kitchen, dishing up gnocchi with tomatoes, chicken sausage, bell peppers, onions, garlic and cheese, and  a plate of baby greens topped with bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, artichoke hearts, and balsamic dressing, and some broccoli rice and chicken sausage. I even made goat cheese and sun-dried tomato pizza!

However, very shortly before unemployment started, the same week in fact, I discovered I have eczema. (This "discovery" involved a trip to urgent care, some ointments, two days off work, and over $400. And there goes nearly a third of my severance pay. Bastards.)

I've been researching what I could do to keep the disgusting rash at bay. The following are lists of "Do's" and "Don'ts."

Eat shitloads of the following:

• Water based fruits and vegetables, such as cantaloupe, tomatoes, and green "peepers." I love finding typos in others' work.
• Vitamin rich fruits and vegetables, such as strawberries, carrots, and leafy green veggies.
• Sulfur rich foods, like eggs, garlic and asparagus.

One website even published a sample menu.

• Breakfast is a raw fruit smoothie with "golden flax seeds," "wild crafted blue green algae," "green drink mix," and "probiotics." WTF are blue green algae and green drink mix? 
• Lunch is vegetables added to any of the following: salmon, rice, potatoes, and miso soup. Boredom not allowed.
• Dinner is a glass of vegetable juice. That you juice yourself. V8 is cheating.

Here's a list of things to avoid like the plague:

• Fried foods and animal fats (and apparently every meat except salmon)
• Soft drinks, sugar, chocolate, potato chips, or any other junk food
• Alcohol and caffeine
• Hot water (seriously)
• Fun (not so seriously)

There is such a thing as going too far. You'll look like the orange patient in "Scrubs" after a few weeks of eating nothing but colorful vegetables.

Not the guy I meant; he apparently doesn't exist on the Internet.

I'll just stick to the recommended 8 glasses of water a day. When filtered water was free and chilled at work I'd go through about 2 liters every day. My happiness would suffer if I were restricted to juicing vegetables three times a day, and don't they say the placebo effect can have as much to do with health as many cures?

Or maybe the simplest solution is on the tip of my tongue... There have been cases of eczema that have been "cured" due to a major hormonal change. I couldn't afford health insurance with my paycheck, so when my free birth control ran out and Planned Parenthood wanted me to pay for more I took a hiatus. Luckily (?), after a week I lost my job and qualified for free pills again. I had recently tried Ortho Evra, or the Patch, which caused weight gain and "enhanced" emotions. All of this was exactly at the time my eczema began. I'll be a happy, happy camper if all I have to do to keep the itchy away is take the pills I'm used to taking. I'll update in a month or so.