Letter To My Dad

Dear Dad,

Here is the response I'd like to send you, but won't because it won't do any good. So the Internet gets it! Ha. Oh isn't family fun?

Yes you heard me wrong. I did say you should find someone else, someone that would make you even happier because she would be liked by those who love you, and yes, I did call her a "butterface" (which, by the way, you laughed at and agreed to). But, and listen up because this is a BIG but, in no way, shape or form in any language on any planet in the whole universe did I say or intend or imply that you should find someone prettier. On the contrary, dear dad, I said you should find someone who isn't maybe so perfect by society standards, maybe someone with a beautiful face but who physically matches you (what, you think you take such good care of your body that you deserve someone who weighs 90 pounds?). In fact, I said that maybe you're overlooking some wonderful women who would be more welcomed into your family because they had an extra pound or two from kids. But no, you have such high physical standards that personality and compatibility and being liked by your family are a far second, third and fourth. You said if you loved someone enough you'd spend the rest of your life living in complete isolation from the world. You think that's romantic but it's just stupid. But if you want to isolate yourself from your friends, relatives and kids for the sake of the latest "love of your life", then I wish you happiness. Actually that's a lie... I'd sit back and wait for you to realize how silly you are and then smugly say (to myself) "I told you so."

And actually, I did give her a chance. When I first met her and I heard all the good (/indifferent) reviews my sisters gave her, and she tried taking me for a pedicure and seemed very into you, she earned points. And it was cool that she was accepting of my sister needing help and a place with family to stay. But when my sister called me to ask for some help because your girlfriend was making a fast job of running her life (I read "the contract" and am not just taking sides without reason) I had to speak up. And then when your daughters tell you, to your face and in front of me, that you don't listen to them and you respond with, "I'll listen but don't expect anything to change," how can you expect us to see it any differently than you being a lazy, pussy whipped man looking for any way out of responsibility? You're right that I didn't know her very well, except for what my sisters told me, but when they both tell me the same thing, and that thing is something very typical of you, why would I not believe them? Would you believe them if they said I adopted another cat/rat/dog? It's something I've done in the past. They told me your girlfriend was trying to act like their mom and you weren't listening. You said they never approached you with their concerns, but did they and maybe you just didn't listen? So yes, I believed them.

I didn't break your heart, dad. You didn't even listen to me, didn't care enough about my opinion or the opinions of my sisters to listen. It was like you made a ransom note using choice words I did say in order to create something so completely different, and held it up to me as proof. There's no arguing with that, I'm afraid. You will see what you want for as long as you want, and we'll just have to wait it out. You won't believe me, but I'm not resentful that you have a girlfriend. You will believe until the day you die that all us kids want is for you and mom to get back together so we can be one happy family, but it just doesn't work that way (despite what your own parents did). You're projecting your feelings on us- you wish mom didn't leave you, maybe you even regret not trying harder to stop her (or trying at all), and we certainly wish divorce wasn't the ugly beast it was, but all the wishing in the world won't change a thing. What we do resent, however, is the person you become when someone tells you they love you. You lose a part of you, and you certainly lose a big part of us.

You think we just don't want you to be happy, that as long as you're miserable and alone and bored we'll be happy. You know why you think this? Because we're different when you're single, because you're different when you're single. You have time for us. You call me. You take an interest. You tell us you're proud of us. But as soon as someone else comes into you're life you almost seem to forget you have kids; it's like you regret that you have a minor living with you, cramping your style, regret that we don't all live farther away so we only see you for holidays when everyone is happy and smiling. You didn't want kids, you didn't want a divorce, but you didn't stop either one from happening (in fact, I'm pretty sure you took an active role in both acts). Don't blame us for that.

This is not new and uncomfortable for us, I promise. You going from a beer drinking, gluten eating, full-blooded Italian-American man to a gluten-free, nothing-but-Coors, organic yogurt boyfriend is what unnerves us. Remember with Sue you drank martinis and went to nice dinners? Remember with the dog trainer you were going to sign Boo up for obedience classes? Remember with your cousin (or whatever she was) that you wanted family around for Easter? You change so much with each new "woman in your life." That's what's hard for us to keep up with. You should figure out who you are before you decide a woman is "the one." I can't believe I, at 24, am telling my 50-something dad this- you were married for more than 20 years; it's time for a reevaluation. Find someone who suits you as a person, not only someone who has a skinny frame and wants a happy family. On your online dating profile (come on, I know you still have it) un-click the button that says "looks are extremely important to me." You'll probably find women who would not only make you very happy but make us happy too. Wouldn't that be better?

This is not about Cheri, dad. It's about you. Find your backbone. Find out what it means to be a dad. Admit your mistakes, including allowing Cheri to try controlling your daughter's life. We appreciate what she's been through, but quiet support would go miles farther than a fucking contract. And you know it.

So, since this is my response to your e-mail, and you won't read this, I guess we won't have much to talk about for a while. That does make me sad, but you forget I did this already, and you don't even know why. I'll wait for this to blow over, because I'm sure it will sooner or later.

Love,

Lindsay

Dis-PWND!

You know that girl in an abusive relationship who swears he loves her and he promises to stop beating her face into a wall, but he never stops and she never leaves him? That's what I feel like with my mom. I get so hopeful that things will work out because she's my mom and I miss her, that even though I should see the brutality coming I don't because I don't want to see it.

(Quick background: My grandpa left us grandkids money for college. When I went to UCSD my mom told me it was my money to use for school, and she put it in a joint savings account so I could pay for tuition and books. Fortunately, California picked up the school tab. I used $8 grand of my college fund to pay for car repairs, summer school and (rarely) rent. After two years the rest disappeared from the account and my mom didn't answer her phone for two days. When she did she told me she meant to take the money sooner but "never got around to it." I hung up the phone and we mutually ignored each other for 2 years.)

I went to talk with her on Wednesday about our relationship and to try to understand exactly why she took the money away. She had said a week earlier it was because I stopped calling her and she could only assume it was because I was in an uber-Christian cult.

Or that I was on drugs and going to get killed in Mexico, or that I was going to run off to Vegas and get married, or take off to live in Europe without telling anyone. There is no end to a paranoid mother's madness. Of course, in her mind all of these scenarios are perfectly legitimate worries. A cousin went the uber-Christian cult route; though my mom searched my room while I was living with her and didn't find drugs, I do live next to Mexico and my "personality changed so much that it could only be because of drugs"; when I went to Europe with my boyfriend a few years back one of her coworkers convinced her we were eloping, though I did not come back married; my aunt told her I was planning on living in Europe, but my mom didn't hear it was because I was planning on going to grad school there.

So what's a paranoid mother to do? Why, the only logical thing you can do: take away your daughter's college funding. Even though I'd used it responsibly for two years I was obviously about to do something stupid. All because I never called to ask how she was doing. Those of you who know me well know I don't just call up and ask how you're doing if I don't have something interesting to say. I guess I could call my mom and tell her what an ostrich or java banteng did but I imagine that would be pretty boring. When I was little she used to complain about my dad's boring work stories. However, the biggest reason I never called her was because every time we spoke she would yell at me for not doing something right and I would cry. It gets to a point you just don't want to actively seek that.

My mom told me all I had to do was send her whatever bills needed to be paid and she would pay them with that money. I had been paying my own bills for two years... why, at 22, could I not handle that anymore? My sister allowed our mom to handle her bills when she went to college because she saw how happy it made her. Unfortunately, our mom fucked up and my sister had to do a lot of damage control, which cost her even more money. But our mom will never admit to fucking up. Our mom never went to college and doesn't understand how it works. This infuriates her. Just because she wanted to be in the process didn't mean I was willing to let it get fucked up so my mommy could help. If I fucked up I had only myself to blame. But I did not fuck up.

She was also upset that she didn't have access to my UCSD account. Having access meant she would see my transcript, grades and health records. I considered all of that very private and was not about to hand over my password. Most parents have access to their students university accounts, but most parents have that access so they can PAY MONEY TO THE SCHOOL. My mom had jack shit to give me and my dad made it clear he would not pay for college. My sisters and I have always known we were on our own when it came to school. In that light, I feel I deserved the privacy that was legally afforded to me; I got that degree on my own and it hangs on my wall as a daily reminder.

There is one glitch in my mom's logic: if I did lay down my pride and dignity and ask her for money to go to school again she could not help me because the money is apparently locked in a CD until September. Had I gone to grad school this year it would have been all me.

So I am not going to lay down my pride and dignity and ask my mom, at 24 or 25, if I can get my master's degree. That is going to be on my terms, not hers. I've already resigned to never seeing a penny of that money again, and I'm OK with that. On Wednesday she asked me what will make this all go away, and was shocked when I told her having that money back. "When did it become all about the money?" she demanded. I told her, "When you took the money from me." Was that not obvious?

No matter how many times I said even if I don't see the money I still want a relationship, all my mom heard was "I can't wait for you to die so I can throw a party with that money." We left on a pretty sour note. In a fit of drama my mom swore to sell the house and not leave a forwarding address. I'm not sure where that leaves us. Probably back to square one. Sigh.