Calm The Fuck Down

This is what I need to tell myself on a far more regular basis.

And possibly post more anteater pictures...

Anyone reading this somewhat regularly since... well, I started, knows that I was loosely diagnosed with eczema. I'm still not 100% convinced this is what it is, especially since my symptoms are pretty much all wrong. The only thing that still makes it look and act like eczema is the all over itchy rash that makes me want to claw my skin off.

Anyway, I've discovered that whatever it is is stress induced. I've been to Planned Parenthood a few times this year alone issues that could be tied to whatever skin rash I have. The last time I went she asked me if I felt stressed or worried in my relationship (resounding no) or in life. I said, "well, I'm always stressed," in a nonchalant, this-is-typical-for-me way. Because it's true. There's always fucking something.

This time I've got it pared down: started a new job (3 month probationary period, looking at it like an extended interview, trying to be the best); sometimes I feel totally overwhelmed in my new job because I'm surrounded by some really smart people who know what they're doing and who are giving me very real responsibilities; some jackwad ran into my car and caused me $800 worth of repairs that my full coverage insurance won't cover; and the cherry on top is some other jackwad stuck a business card on my car window which slipped into the door frame as I rolled the window down because I didn't notice until it was there until it was too late. Boom, stress rash. And then I freak the fuck out and try to figure out if it is in fact eczema by looking at photos and descriptions online, which just makes me itch more.

But I honestly shouldn't be that stressed, definitely not enough to cause a rash to break out on my arms and legs. I did just get back from a very lovely vacation; I'm very happy in my job and mostly unworried about the probationary period because they seem to like me a bunch and the fact that they are giving me big responsibilities is telling; even though I sometimes feel overwhelmed the very next day I feel like I have a handle on things and that I'm just as smart as my coworkers; I can afford my car repairs (I'm just mad that I have them); taking on a very small bit of debt when I have a steady income shouldn't freak me out.

HA!

The vast, vast majority of my worry and stress stems from money (thanks, mom and dad). I know what makes me happy and I've pretty much got everything I need and want: my cat who sometimes loves me, a job that fulfills me, a boyfriend who adores me, an apartment I'm going to be sad to leave, a roommate I'm friends with, an easy 10 minute walking commute, a neighborhood and city I belong in, and dozens of opportunities every week to satisfy my little desires. But I just wrapped up debt and started to save up for things I want, rather than just the things I need, before being unemployed for a brief period, which added to a vacation did give me back some credit card debt, which I had been happy to be rid of. Add to that my new car repairs and the car insurance I still haven't finished paying off (all thanks to timing) and I've got myself some saving to do. Plus, there are the things I've wanted for a long time that I would much rather not postpone anymore: a new bed, my own apartment, and (maybe) an iPhone. As long as I wait until mid-November and know I'm secure in my position I think it'd be OK to take on a little debt (famous last words, right?). Fortunately, I make enough to save that money in a few months as long as I stick to the frugal lifestyle I adopted in college and never really grew out of. By the new year I should be debt free again and able to start saving for my next vacation, build up a security savings for when the next something happens (because it always does), and start paying down my car faster.

And in the meantime, tell myself to just calm the fuck down. I got this. I really do.

Working Woman

Oh god yes.

Aaaaaaand I got a job. Quickest bout of unemployment ever! Haven't even gotten an unemployment check yet, even, so that'll make taxes next year less confusing. 

I went through this blog from the last year or so and found six separate posts that are almost entirely about my job, why it sucked and how working full time and still not having money to do little things was wearing me out. I so wanted to find some awesome job, walk in to work and quit in a fantastic style, but being laid off because the owners couldn't work together anymore robbed me of that story. But on the other hand, I wouldn't have found the job I'm starting tomorrow had I not been looking in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. And for the first time in years, I'm taking a job not because it's there, not because I was offered the position, not because it's at least slightly better than the one before, and not because I have to have a job, any job, but because I wanted it when I saw it, because I think I fit in to the culture, because I have the same beliefs as the company and I believe we will support each other. For the first time since 2009 I'm excited to start a job that I think I will do great in, a job that suits me.

I spent the last three years in one job or another that paid the bills (sometimes barely... I still amaze myself with how little I actually need to survive on) and had its upside, but was mostly soul sucking. Working in the one department at the Wild Animal Park that didn't care about the animals and asked its employees to do whatever it took to make money was eye opening in a very bad way (especially for me), working for an English language school for international students that couldn't give a shit about the students' actual experience in San Diego and ruined many of their ideas of this country and this city was horrifying, and working for what I thought was a remodeling and home improvement company when all the owners cared about was signing a contract and cashing a check, flat out telling their employees they don't care about the customers and that we run a sales company, not a remodeling company and one that had favorite employees and employees that were constantly taken advantage of was shocking. And the job hunting process wasn't exactly a cake walk either, considering I'd been looking for months. When I was looking while still employed I wanted to find the right fit, and when I was looking while unemployed I was worried I'd have to once again take a job just because it was a job, don't much care what it is (watched a lot of Firefly last night).

I think, finally, I've found a company that not only does what it says it does, but cares about what it does (can you imagine?). Their mission statement includes the word passion in it. And from what the extensive interview process showed me, they really care who they hire because it's going to make a difference to the team, their creative process and their clients. I don't think a company would go through such an intense interview process if they didn't care so much. And I'm really excited if that's the case. I would love to be able to stay with a company for a few years and really grow with it and learn. I think I may have my chance to stop hopping around year after year.

Also finally, the boyfriend has a job he loves. After freelancing for... 4 years?... he landed a great job doing what he's been doing, only for an established photography company that gets its own clients and doesn't require him to do the whoring-himeself-out-for-work part. Which means all that stuff he doesn't like about the job he's doing for an hourly rate, and all the stuff he loves (photographing cars and food and animals) he can still do on his own time. And everything he does for the company gives him more skill. We've got the first step of the DINK system down now and one day we'll be those annoying pet parents real parents can't stand because we have disposable income for funzies (but we'll make it up by being a great aunt/uncle pair). The future is definitely looking good!

I Get By

Maybe it's being American, maybe it's just me, but it's really difficult to be truly happy unless I'm doing something I love, or at least believe in. The majority of Americans hate their jobs and slave away because we have mortgages and dependent children (or at least rent and car payments and a princess cat) and it may be because we're told from a very young age that we can do anything we want, that all we have to do is figure out what we want to do and sure enough we'll find a way to make a living doing it. We hear stories of people who teach dogs to surf for a living, people who review restaurants and clubs for a living, people who find their niche, find a product or company or idea they can get behind and end up not just making a living or getting by but doing well. These people exist as a shining example to the rest of us that our mediocre jobs and mediocre paychecks don't have to be forever, that if we want something bad enough all we have to do is go get it.

But what it really feels like is a taunt. These people just show us that we will always be miserable because we did not luck out- we did not meet that eclectic investor who took a fancy to us on the beach and funded our start-up dog surfing company, because someone else was slightly more qualified than we were, because someone's niece or cousin was applying for the same job we were, and perhaps most of all because at the end of the work day the last thing we want to do is think about the jobs we don't have.

I recently met with a trainer at the gym I joined to discuss my goals, which is to run my next half marathon in less than 2 hours. I said that on a scale of 1 to 10 as to how committed I was to this goal I was an 8. I have no idea why I put that. I'm really more like a 5, as in I do really want to beat that time but I don't realistically think I can do so. Why? From 730 in the morning to about 7 at night my time is work or work related: getting ready in the morning, commuting, working, lunch break (in which I sit in my car), cleaning my lunch box, and preparing food for the next day. Add stopping at the gym on my way home for strength training and some treadmill time and I'm a solid hour plus stretching plus changing time, plus showering once I get home, and that time is only going to increase the more I do street runs that are 6+ miles. By the time I make and eat dinner after a typical day it's at least 9pm and I should be in bed by 11 to get the amount of sleep I want (ha, yeah right).

So, when do I look for that perfect job that I'll do well in, that I care about and that pays enough? The weekends are great, but again that's when I need to be doing those really long runs, when I can see my friends, when I can get some good writing in (I know this blog should really be the last thing I spend time on, in addition to puttering about on the internet, which has slowed to a trickle, but I hate not writing for myself after all day of writing for work), and when I can catch up on the sleep I inevitably miss during the week. Job hunting, tailoring your resume and a cover letter for each position, takes a long time. Plus, my resume needs an overhaul. It's overwhelming.

Every now and then I regret my educational choices and wish I stuck with biology like I planned in high school. Then at least I'd be in a field I was passionate about and could still be writing for myself, maybe with an animal blog. There are three things I'm highly passionate about: animals and the environment, social equality, and food. I want to get my Master's in sociology, but part of me still thinks that won't be enough. I miss working with (or at least among) animals and want very badly to get back to that. But schooling is a very unlikely option because it would require me to essentially start over, making my 4 years in college irrelevant and my 4 years of professional experience completely useless. Plus, by the time I would be ready to get the job I actually want I'd be in my mid 30s with tens of thousands of dollars in debt working in a field that will never pay that off. Knowing that feels hopeless.

There are other things I want that make it impossible for me to take much of a pay cut for that perfect job. I've been frustrated for so long that I still, 4 years out of college and with all of that professional experience under my belt,  have to watch every dollar I spend. The only reason I did the Hot Chocolate Race last week was because a bonus paid for it, but those bonuses are small, very rare and should be going to things like my car. I'm more than ready to be financially set, to stop thinking as soon as I finish paying for this one thing I'll be OK, I desperately need a new computer (and unfortunately only want a shiny, very expensive one), really need a new bed, and really want to take a community college class. Oh, and save for our road trip at the end of summer, start my personal savings so that I'll one day live in a nicer place with a dog, and have a night out every now and then that doesn't involve me picking the cheapest thing on the menu. It feels like a lot, but I also feel like I was promised that going to college would mean all of these dreams coming true, and I don't see how it's going to happen. Those I know who've made some of these things happen are either married and benefitting from their husband's incomes or had a lot of parental financial support. I had/have/wanted neither. But life this way can get frustrating.

A lot of the frustration in all honesty is coming from the current political situation. Every goddamn day I hear how one party is wanting to cut Americans off from health services (don't get me started on the current war on women), how all we need is a good Republican in Washington to clean up the mess, which is the same exact thing the Democrats said 4 years ago to clean up the previous Republican mess, and it's really fucking annoying. Seriously... I've only been paying attention to politics for about 8 years and this will be the third presidential election I've participated in, but I already think nothing is ever going to change. As long as one party is in office the other will blame it for everything that ever goes wrong and will be totally uncooperative just because it can, just because it's jealous that it's not in control. What fucking children. And we elect these people. We elect them because they call themselves Christian, because they play a wonderful game of  us versus them, because they make every promise in the book from January until November and then forget about us completely. It makes me not want to live here anymore so that I don't have to be governed by the most immature people in the world. Cutting school funding so people like me can't help themselves, cutting social services so people worse off than me can't learn to be independent, and giving presents to people better off than me to they can buy Ferrari's (the trickle down idea is behind it all, but who does that really help besides luxury car mechanics?). Unfortunately it's April and we've still got 7 more months of this bullshit to go. I just hope Obama wins and will take some dramatic measures during the next four years to make things a little better without worrying about reelection.

I know this climate isn't going to last forever but I really want it to be over soon. If it's this hard for me it's got to be murder on a lot of other Americans.

Thinking About Money

Cat in a pile of money!

Today one coworker bought another coworker a Coke. The one buying the Coke doesn't make as much as the one receiving the Coke, and she also has 2 kids and can be heard on the phone talking with her fiance about money issues. The coworker receiving the Coke asked how much he owed her and you know what she said?

Don't worry about it.

As in, I just bought you a Coke and do not need you to pay me the $1.25 back. And do you know why? Because the cost of the Coke was so small it wasn't going to make a difference. Her exact words were:

I mean, it's not going to make me go broke.

Hearing her say those words made me feel pretty shitty about myself because I realized I'm selfish enough to know when I've spent $1.25 on someone else. I don't worry about things like that with close friends, my sisters, my roommate or my boyfriend because there's a regular give and take with those people, and something like five bucks, or even a meal or utility bill, aren't worth worrying about with those relationships. But I would remember buying a Coke for an acquaintance or coworker.

I really need to let go of my money worries. I'm constantly recalculating my finances trying to make sure I'll have enough for taxes and car insurance and have been living on a very strict budget since the beginning of the year in order to do so and worrying about money (which is way more fun now that gas prices have jumped 35 cents a gallon in 4 days) is exhausting. And depressing. I know I'm OK and I'm sure I'm going to make it, but I would have asked for that $1.25. Kinda makes me feel like a crappy person. 

I really want to not worry about money. I want to be the person who buys people Cokes, or even lunch, and says don't worry about it. To be the person who tips generously. To take friends out for celebrations on me. To give random presents. And I really, really want to look at the left side of the menu page before the right side, not let price dictate everything I do and be the first question I ask. 

The other want I have, however, is to do something with my life that I feel passionate about, something that's important to others and that might matter in a few years, or even decades. But I'm worried that I'll never be able to have both of those things... to feel like what I'm doing means something and to also not always be so worried about every dollar I spend. I know when I graduated with a writing degree that I said I would be OK with being poor, but if I'm already sick of it at 26 what am I going to do in ten years? My hope is that once large expenses stop I'll be able to save for accidents and unexpected expenses in the future. And then I'll have a buffer so I can stop worrying, and stop feeling bad for saving for fun things, like vacations and computers and bigger beds. 

I feel like I've been saying the word "someday" a lot.

A Case Of The Mondays

Well, the week got off to a great start.

Got my first paycheck of the year and lost almost twice what I expected to taxes. I now pay more money in taxes per month than I do for my rent, including the increase that takes place in April. Which is fucking nuts. The US tax code is wildly confusing- I've never gotten a tax return more than $400, and that was once when the $300 make work pay thing was in effect a couple of years ago, and last year I owed taxes despite working and having taxes taken out. Paying a quarter of my income in taxes seems like so much to me. I made more money than this in the past and got to see more of my paycheck then... where does it all go and how to other people get hundreds on their returns?


Add to that people were absolute bitches on the phone at work, going so far as to yell at me and hang up when I mentioned our minimum (FYI: you're going to pay good money for a remodel, you can't go calling around and say you want the cheapest thing possible and get mad when businesses tell you they like making money) and my headache from Saturday night that never truly went away, I had to remind myself a few times that I got to wake up with wonderfully warm arms around me and that my car wasn't damaged from the car fire parked right behind it (terrifying few seconds while I checked it out, though).


One thing I took away from my parents' marriage was to worry about money, even if there's no need. I've never not been worried about money. My life is in perpetual save mode: for the next 3 months I'll be saving for taxes (I'll just barely make it), and until July I'll also be saving for car insurance, which I most certainly will not make at this rate. I had planned on joining a gym this week to train for the non refundable half marathon I already signed up for but now that's an unnecessary expense I might not be able to justify, especially when I should be spending that same money on new running shoes.


Makes me wonder how a person working full time for a decent wage and relatively low rent and living expenses can feel like she's just making it. I've been just making it since... well, I've always been that way, from college to now, and my current rent is only $100 more than it was when it was its lowest. The only addition is a car payment (which is low enough to be affordable) and full coverage insurance (which is a bitch); other than that my lifestyle hasn't changed too much. I still eat rice and potatoes a lot, going out to eat means parting with $5, and my wardrobe hasn't changed since right before I got laid off 3 years ago. Granted, there's no way I would have been able to afford a new car or this level of insurance at any point in the last 3 years, but I'm working so much more now. Doesn't that make a difference?


The thing that scares me is I'll talk to a professional about my tax situation and be told that's just the way it is, whether or not I'm able to understand it. And if that's just the way it is and a quarter of my paycheck goes to taxes, I still won't get a return. And if this is all the case, why am I not doing something fun for work? Why do I sit inside and look at a computer 2 feet from my face for 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week? I was making more money per hour when I was happiest, when I had more energy, when I didn't hate Mondays. I thought I was getting ahead but now it feels like the more I try to move the more I stay exactly where I always was.


And I couldn't see the rain today. Being stuck inside in a fluorescent room with a computer sucks on beautiful days, but it also sucks on the rainy ones. I love the rain and don't get to see it enough here... I'd like to at least watch it out the window. Hope this season is another wet one so that eventually it'll rain all weekend and I'll get to see it.

Making A Point With Money

The majority of my recent post have been somewhat depressing: between palm oil, poaching, the USDA killing birds, more palm oil, and the economy, there hasn't seemed to be much good in the big wide world out there. People are greedy and willing to do whatever it takes to make a buck or get things done the easy way, the rest of the world be damned.

All of this led to me wondering about the business practices of large corporations... the latest disappointment is from a company I love and have recommended for years, yet now all I hear is Apple buying products from what are essentially slave and child labor companies in China in buildings that work people 12+ hours for pennies and have suicide nets as a standard office amenity. Apple is wildly successful and insanely popular and their young, hip and socially aware following gives Apple the ability to change world business practices, so why support unfair and cruel business practices?

I know the answer, and it's the same reason high quality food companies use palm oil when they know it's low quality and environmentally damaging, but it's depressing. Corporations can make a higher profit margine by saving money on production, and if palm oil and child labor are the means to the end then so be it. It's got me thinking twice about getting an iPhone (and a MacBook Pro) when the time comes... I don't like the other products out there, but if buying from Apple means supporting horrid labor practices I can't feel good about that, and I really, really want to be excited about those purchases. (I know that other computer and phone companies are exactly the same, and that no matter what I buy I will be supporting environmental damage or child labor or some other horrible business practices, but Apple is so popular and believes so highly of itself that it should be above that. A silver lining may be that Apple has now, finally, disclosed almost every supplier for its products, allowing third party auditors to assess the conditions of the factories and create better positions for the workers.)

Last month I bought an American Apparel hoodie because I had a Groupon for half off. I always really liked the styles of the jackets and they seem to last forever, but even still I could never justify paying $50 for a jacket. At $25 it was way more reasonable, especially since the lower quality jackets at Target were $20 this season, and I'm glad the only negative business practice that purchase supported was skanky models and a skankier CEO. But I'm not hipster enough or rich enough to shop there all the time, so Target and Ross it is for the rest of my clothes, which no doubt save money with Chinese slave and child labor (not to mention Target's financial support of anti-gay fanatics).

One of the reasons I want to be quasi-wealthy one day is so I can spend $50 on American made jackets, buy sustainable and organic food at farmer's markets every week and really make an effort to make a difference with my money. And it's sad that doing so requires a certain amount of wealth, but it does. I already spend $8 on a bottle of shampoo (and am looking for new body wash, face wash, face scrub and hand soap), buy high quality cat food, avoid palm oil, get fair trade and organic tea, and only buy sustainable fish when I eat meat, but I know all or most of my clothes were originally made in a sweat shop somewhere, the battery in my phone was mined in Africa and probably cost someone his life, and now my computer (and iPod and likely every other electronic I own or use) is manufactured by little kids or miserable adults in China.

So what am I supposed to do? Ignorance really is bliss. Not knowing, or caring, can make life so much easier. Better, maybe not, but easier.

Two Thousand Eleven

After the disappointment that was 2010 I decided 2011 was going to be better. It so fucking was.

First, it was a year overwhelmingly full of love. I fell in love with San Diego all over again, discovered a love for running (which I'm working on rekindling as the year closes), and fell ridiculously crazy in love with a wonderful friend who I absolutely cannot wait to spend the next year with. I love my neighborhood, my brat of a cat, my apartment with the bars on the windows, and my new car. I loved seeing my friends move on in adulthood and succeed, paying off the debt I'd carried around since graduation (one of my favorite accomplishments), and seeing my sister get serious with someone who's great for her.

I started off the year by participating in a flash mob. I enjoyed it a ton, even though my roommate got really sick the days leading up to it and wasn't able to do it with me and now that flash mobs are so last year, I can at least say I participated in one. For silliness.

Easily my biggest accomplishment for 2011 was finishing 3 half marathons, 2 5Ks and a 4 mile race for a total of 49.3 racing miles and who knows how many training miles. I bought two new pairs of running shoes, several pairs of dry wicking socks, a running jacket, shorts and an iPod and send a few hundred dollars on entry fees and transportation. I have a small stack of bibs, 3 finisher medals (one of which glows in the dark!), a bunch of safety pins and more technical t-shirts than I know what to do with. It's a good feeling, and when I continue in 2012 I'm gonna try to beat that 2 hour mark.

Probably my second biggest accomplishment for 2011 was not moving. That's right, I had the same address for a full year, something which seriously doesn't happen very often for me. One of my goals for 2012 (a ridiculously easy goal, at that) is to make this address the one I live in the longest in San Diego. I have absolutely no intentions of moving, and unless my roommate decides to buy a place she doesn't either. North Park certainly feels a lot more like home now, and I've learned to appreciate what it offers.

I also was able to find a job in my area, one in which I'm using my degree (and, for the most part, need it) and making a higher rate than I ever have, which, now that there's a car payment, still seems like I'm just getting by. My commute is short, my hours are good, my coworkers are a lot of fun to be around and my boss can be pretty generous when he wants to be. It may not be my dream job, and one goal for 2012 will be to find my dream job, but it's good for right now, and it's helping me learn a lot that's going to help me in the future.

This year was not without it's down moments, however. In a coincidental yet poetic turn of events, the day before my birthday, which just so happened to be a day before the 1 year anniversary of my dad officially cutting me out of his life, I went to his house and gathered the last of my belongings there. It was civil and very quick and I'm glad to have gotten it over with, but it has made the last few months extra full of anger and resentment. Every time I see an older woman with red hair I feel incredible hatred towards these perfect strangers. It's becoming difficult to understand how such hatred can exist in the same place as such incredible love.

It was also not a good year for electronics. My camera battery is 99% dead, and the minute or so that it holds a charge really isn't long enough to take and download even one picture. Also unfortunately, I don't think they make those camera batteries anymore (at 4 years old it might as well be ancient) so it looks like I might have to buy a new one. Lucky for me, however, I have my own personal photographer (ok, he's not my own personal photographer) who is usually willing to take my pictures for me, so buying a camera isn't an immediate need. My computer also took a turn for the worse- a laptop without a working screen isn't good for much. The weird thing is after all the shit I put that machine through it still works perfectly and is way faster than the one I've been borrowing for the last few months, except for the screen. A new MacBook Pro is very, very high on my list of things to buy once I pay taxes. Finally, though this isn't really an electronic, my trusty Hyundai Accent died, forcing me to buy a new car.

Other events this year included two cousin's weddings, a trip to Disneyland, discovering goodies at my farmer's market, the rapture, the return of 90s TV shows, learning to drive stick shift, paragliding, getting my 6th piercing, not cutting my hair (it's super long!), a power outage, and getting more fish. It's been a very full year, and I'm proud to say I achieved the goals I set for myself at the beginning. I'm also happy to be looking forward to 2012, taking steps to accomplish my new goals, and sitting with my boyfriend and a bucket of popcorn as we watch people flip out over the Mayan calendar prediction.

Living Alone

Making it.

Exactly one year ago today I started this blog post after reading a hard-hitting New York Times article about the trials and challenges of being young and living in New York City and trying hard to make it. (The only reason I didn't publish was because I didn't save the link to the article and then couldn't find it again.) The point was supposed to be college graduates will do what it takes to live in the city because doing what they're passionate about matters to them, which is not something our parents and grandparents did. I expected to read stories of aspiring actors and artists working multiple serving jobs, taking any role or gig just because it would get their names out there and that's where you start. What I read was entirely different.

The article opened up with an inside look into some kid living in the center of the city, in a tiny apartment, trying to make it, and was quoted talking about sacrifices he makes in order to live where he does (unsafe neighborhood, run down building, no space to turn around). The kicker? His mom pays his rent.

What. The. Fuck. I'm making it on my own as a college graduate in a shitty economy and my mommy isn't paying my rent. I'm working because I have no choice but to live on my own (when I started this post a year ago I had written "I'm working in a crap job because I have no choice"), but I wouldn't want it any other way anyway. My job choice is important to me, like this kid, and I've left jobs before because I was unhappy, but I have yet to let someone pay for my rent or bills because I just didn't like my job or it wasn't what I went to college for. Clearly: I spent over a year of my college educated life driving a broken van part time for just above minimum wage because it was paying the bills at the time. But you know what? My princess cat wouldn't do so well homeless.

The rest of the people they interviewed were at least paying their rents, but 2 of them had professional jobs and just chose to spend their entire paychecks living in a 8X5 room in a posh neighborhood. That's not "oh it's sooo hard to make it in this economy!" That's making a choice and living with the consequences. Hey, I'd have tons of credit card debt too if I ate at restaurants and went to clubs every night, but I don't. I make choices, and I live with the consequences. Not going out means I don't get into debt. Seems worth it to me.

I'm also reminded that the time is just around the corner for those wonderful Christmas letters we get from people we apparently don't speak with anymore because they think we care about the very mundane aspects of their lives. A couple of years ago (or was it last year? I'm getting old...) one relative sent out her family letter and ended it saying how, like everyone, they're getting by and waiting for the economy to turn around, because life got so much harder with the increased taxes on the wealthy and now they have to pick and choose which charities they donate to.

Such crap.

Zoom Zoom

So I bought a car.

Yay!

This was not something I was expecting to do for a while, and not something I was prepared for, but I'm pretty excited about and happy with what I got. It's a Mazda 2, something that's only been around in the states for about a year, the manual sport model (which sounds fancy, but it's the base model because that's what I can afford), and I'm still figuring out how to drive it. My friend helped me get it home the first night and gave me a much, much needed refresher course on how to drive stick (I stalled a good half dozen times before having a successful start) and I've been trying to get the hang of it ever since.

I broke it in this weekend with a trip to Las Vegas. (Hey, I spend ~$15 thousand on a new car I'm not going to spend another $200 on a plane ticket, OK?) There are some questions I have about driving stick, and about driving this particular car, but I think I'll get there quickly.

I'm pretty proud that I was able to do this, and do it 100% on my own. I got a loan from my credit union (which was a BITCH because of my employment status- never doing 1099 again), had a decent down payment saved up, great credit and did all my research in about 2 weeks. On the one hand, it really sucked that as soon as I'm in a position to buy things I want and save up some money my car breaks and I have to get myself into a load of debt, but I'm fortunate that I don't also still have my credit card debt, bad credit, or less than what my current work situation is. It's nice knowing I can do this.

Saying goodbye to my Hyundai Accent isn't going to be easy. I might have given that car a lot of shit in the past but for 140+ thousand miles in 9 years and very little maintenance requirements, even after what would be considered an accident, is pretty great. I did love my little car, but there was no way I was going to rebuilt the transmission. I'm sad it didn't make it to 10 years though, and I'll miss that car. But it's going to be very great to not have to worry about car repairs or whether or not my car will make it on a trip for a good long time.

So if you're looking for a fixer-upper car I've got an automatic 2002 Hyundai Accent that needs a new transmission, battery, tires, brakes and shocks with your name on it.

In Which I Am 4

How I feel most of the time.

When I get discouraged about the world, especially if I don't have a job, the first thing I do is stop listening to or reading the news (and why I turn to Fark and Reddit for my news more than ever). The news can be really depressing, and if you're spending weeks and months looking for a job or stability hearing how the economy might be double dipping isn't very encouraging.

Even though I have a job the news is still discouraging. The somewhat recent Rupert Murdoch scandals and the political turmoil over the United States debt makes me feel like people in high places are just as out to get us as anyone else. And now there's even more games in our government with the upcoming debates and elections, now the only word on our minds is "jobs" and we're throwing away our environment because the jobs are worth it right now. Which makes me wonder, like a child, why do people do bad things to other people? Am I just naive to think that people, especially those in higher positions, should be good and decent? Is it really silly to think that the people we hire and elect to protect us and our interests should actually protect us and our interests?

I haven't decided if I'm an idealist or just naive, but I don't think it's very hard for the world to be a better place. Children should all be wanted and have good lives, leaders should protect their people and not starve or kill them, and people everywhere should act like people, not wild animals. But we have greed and corruption all over the world that make it near impossible for the honest people to get a leg up, or even keep going. Sometimes it feels like the bad people overwhelm the good ones. It'd be nice if everyone could be good and we could all get along.

Maybe I am 4 again.

I Am Neurotic

And a little obsessive compulsive. And slightly germophobic. And I'm living in an apartment that's making me realize new levels of dirty.

I think I don't like this show because it's me, minus cool detective talents.

Because the person I share the apartment with (who is also the building manager) hardly ever uses anything beyond the door of his room, I have no idea how the kitchen got to be as gross as it is. Someone, somewhere along the line, made a sticky mess and no one cleaned it up. Until me.

Meeting this guy and seeing the room was really awkward (he's not much of a people person, from what I gather...) and I didn't scope out the kitchen much. And I left myself almost no time to really search for places, plus this apartment came so cheaply for such a great area that I figured I'd just deal with whatever weird issues. I already spent the better part of one day off cleaning, disinfecting and lining the shelves in the kitchen, fully grossing myself out, so I'm not exactly stoked to jump in there and do it again, even if it means finishing the job. Who knows who used the kitchen in the past, or what they did in it, or how long the stickiness has been festering. I certainly don't want to think about it, but when I go to pull out a drawer and my hand comes back with food particles on it I have to suppress my gag reflex.

What I'm trying hardest to understand is how my roommate can watch me clean the kitchen for 5+ hours and ask, "Is it that bad?" Well, yeah, it is, but you wouldn't know because you never use it. (Plus side is there's practically an entire kitchen for pretty much my use only... I just have to clean it first.) He did offer to try to help keep it clean, but I'm afraid we have very different ideas on what, exactly, "clean" is. I believe something must go through scrubbing to get all food particles off and then scrubbed again with soap and warm (preferably hot) water in order to be considered clean. I think his version of clean is rinsed and food particles mostly not on the eating surface. I even disinfected the trash can lid with wipes and the next day there were traces of something scraped off. I don't think it's that much to ask that a grown man clean up after himself, but I feel really weird asking him to, and even weirder that I actually have to. Shouldn't cleaning up after yourself be something you learn by your thirties?

I do realize I have an abnormally low tolerance for uncleanliness, but I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I want to bring up the subject but I feel like an intruder... I've not been home or cooked almost any night since I moved in and I can't always go to a friend's house or buy a sandwich somewhere. It would be nice to not have to wash my hands after touching something in the kitchen but I'm not about to eat with sticky fingers.

Something tells me I'll continue with my absurd amount of moving. Good thing I didn't sign a lease.

Oh, Canada

If I were Canadian I would probably get this tattooed on me. No joke.

For all the jokes, Canada is looking pretty darn good right now.

Of all the countries in the world experiencing a poor economy (read: all the countries in the world), Canada's isn't quite that bad. Why? They didn't get as greedy as the rest of us and take the same risks that landed the rest of us in the shitter. Sure, we made fun of Canada for not taking those seemingly fail-proof risks back when our economy was strong, but now that they're (gleefully, no doubt) hosting the G-20 summit we've got our tail between our legs and our lips zipped.

But hopefully not too zipped. Why can't we learn from Canada? Why can't we say, "Oh, look at that. Canada might have a surplus in 5 years. Let's ask them what they're doing differently so we can have a surplus before we die." Maybe our leaders will ask some questions and take some notes this week. That would be nice.

The Small Stuff

Someone somewhere said, "don't sweat the small stuff" and then someone else somewhere else added, "and it's all small stuff!" to try and be clever and make you feel better about your life.

Well it doesn't work. Mostly because it's not all small stuff. In fact, some of it is very big stuff, and very big stuff deserves some sweat.

Big things I'm currently sweating:

Where I'm going to live in 3 weeks

Where I'm going to work this summer

What I'm going to do with myself for the next 20 years

Now, these things can be considered "the small stuff:" I move a lot anyway so where I live really doesn't matter all that much, at least I have a job and who cares if I don't like it, I still have plenty of time to figure out my dream career. After all, a wise man once said, "Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."

Now, I'm not a big fan of assisting the general population with either shitting or fucking, so I figure I oughta figure out what I am going to help people do. I figure the best way to do this is to ask myself how I would occupy my time if I had all the money in the world to spend as I figured. And I figure I would spend much of it helping animals and figuring out how many times I can write "figure" in one paragraph.

Which makes me wonder... say I spend a couple of years in nursing school learning to help people be healthy (yes, I understand I would need to help people shit... that's a huge drawback), would I be able to turn that around after a while and rehabilitate wildlife? Or could I use those skills to volunteer while still helping people? Or, even, could I somehow segue into ecology from nursing?

Priority #1 is finding a place to live for the immediate future. Priority #2 is finding a job I don't hate. Priority #3 is flipping a coin and deciding which career path to pursue. Funny thing is no matter what I do it will still involve a looooooot more schooling. When I was still in college I often said I'd be in school forever. Little did I know how true that thought was...

More On Condoms

Free!

Because apparently I really like writing about sex.

The Washington Post wrote a 2 page article on how Washington DC decided to spend an extra few thousand dollars to buy brand name condoms to give away for free because the young public doesn't like Durex.

FREE CONDOMS, PEOPLE!

If I could just go to the school nurse or a liquor store for free condoms whenever I wanted I would not be complaining that Trojans were better than Durex. (OK, I would complain if there wasn't a latex-free option, but that's a whole 'nother point.) Especially since they're exactly the same. And especially since they're free.

Guys are also complaining that the free condoms are "too small." Really, guys? You all have giant penises? There are so many of you DC high school boys who have no money, big dicks, and a fear of the school nurse knowing you're getting laid? And DC officials buy this? We're going to have more than a few pregnant kids if high school boys use the free Magnums.

Granted, DC gives away condoms partially because 3% of the population has HIV. That's scary high. Also granted, I think it's a great idea to give away condoms for free to the whole country (hell, the whole world!). Think of how much money we'd save in health costs if 6 cent condoms were available for free? It would be awesome. New York also gives away condoms, only they're Lifestyles brand in a special NYC wrapper that the public gets to vote on.

Awesome? Oh yes, yes, yes!

Pay My Bills!

Though it feels really good to see my credit card statement below $3k, my savings over $1k, enough in my checking account to cover rent and another paycheck on the way, I do sometimes wish I wasn't spending my nights working a second job. Sometimes I wish I had parents giving me money every month to live. Sometimes I wish I had a boyfriend who paid my rent.

I've made choices the last few years that got me where I am now. If I moved back in with one of my parents when I graduated college I could have lived rent free until I found a job and built up savings. Or if I moved in with The Ex (not that he would have agreed...) when I was laid off I could have lived cheaply. Or if I found a full time job at a desk somewhere I could have a consistent paycheck and probably have my card paid off by now.

I chose to stay in San Diego when I graduated. I chose to live alone. I chose to work at a non-profit, outside, doing something I love. But when I'm working nights driving students to PB or downtown, when they're all dressed up and smelling nice, to go have fun is kind of depressing. I've never really had the cute clothes, nice perfume, or sexy shoes like other girls have, and rarely did I ever have the money to go out drinking and dancing. Oh, there was a time when I was working a lot at shuttles and went out and bought fancy foods, but that was a short time that seems so far away now. And it's not that I really care about dressing up and going out every week, because I don't. I just want to not count every dollar I spend on the rare night I can go out. I knew when I graduated that I wouldn't be making much money, and now I know it's more important to my overall happiness that I enjoy what I do for a living rather than be able to buy nice things. I just hate the worry and the penny pinching.

Since Blogger decided about an hour into me having ads that I abused the privilege (before the ads were even up... thanks Google) I'm not making any money from this blog. So, I am accepting cash donations to My Personal Fund. Money will go towards paying rent for myself and the kitty, providing us both with sustenance, fueling my car so I can continue making my own money, and maybe occasionally buying a pair of jeans (I have 2 that fit) or a t-shirt that hasn't been through the wash ten dozen times. Leave me a comment and I'll direct you to my bank account. Thanks!

Help

Looks like things are over before they ever really started for me. Turns out I'm ineligible to apply for other positions at the Society because I got a written warning for tardiness, even though the instance that pushed me into dangerous territory shouldn't have counted against me. The photo caravan position closes tomorrow, and I'm stuck in Flightlines until the end of July.

(Which, actually, is an interesting date. July 26th [or 27th?] is when I would be free of these restrictions and able to apply for other positions. That's also the one-year anniversary of The Break-Up. Dunno why, but that seems significant.)

The policies that are preventing me from applying for the job I'd do anything to get back are conspiring against me in the worst way. I wasn't hired into Flightlines until 3 weeks after I was laid off from photo caravans. Because of that gap, I was a new hire, rather than a department transfer. Because of that, my probation was 6 months instead of 3 months. During that probationary period I was cross trained in another department, and clocked in using a different machine. That machine didn't record my first swipe of the day, and that instance was my 4th instance of being tardy (even though I was there on time and the woman training me can vouch for that). Because that was my 4th instance of being tardy I got a formal written warning, which goes in my file and prevents me from being eligible for other positions for 6 more months. So here I am, thinking my tardies are cleared by May or June and my probation is done 2 weeks ago, and I'm stuck until the end of July, when summer is in full swing.

This morning I felt a little depressed, considering everything. Carrying around the dread of the department lead coming back doesn't help- if it weren't for him I might actually enjoy my job. I applied for a couple outside positions, got wrapped up in this damn book (it literally sucks you away from everything), and thought about why I feel so trapped.

At the very least I have a job. Two, actually. I have a job that I'm moving up in (at least a little bit), that pays the bills, that has some of the best coworkers I've ever had, and that keeps me active outside. And it won't end come fall. I need to hang on to those thoughts, hang on to anything that will keep me from remembering how happy I was last summer and how misfortune kept me from returning to it.

When I break it all down, though, I realize what I'm most frustrated with is being reminded that I still have no direction in where my life is going. Feeling mediocre at life is depressing. Even if I'm a guide, even if I'm a guide in photo caravans, I'm still giving tours at a zoo. I'm not the vet I dreamed of being when I was little, I'm not the journalist I dreamed of being in college. And now I don't have any dream at all.

Someone push me in the right direction, please. Tell me of something I can do that I won't get bored with, something that makes me happy, something that matters, something that pays the bills. I know I'll never be rich... but I at least want to be happy doing something worthwhile. Help?

Recession Proof Your Life!

No, not the beer!

The latest catch phrase for advertising is "recession-proof." If you do this or buy that you will recession-proof this or that. On my door was a paper telling me I can recession-proof my mouth. My mouth! For only $69 I can get a full cleaning, exam, x-ray and other dental goodies. I'm not exactly sure how this is recession-proofing my mouth. Right now I'm paying $0, outside of the cost of toothpaste, so $69 seems kind of steep.

This is not a new idea, however. We've always been told that if we buy this or do that we're really investing in the future and it will end up saving us money down the road. This is why car service companies offer 4 oil changes for $39.99. At ten bucks a pop that's a fantastic deal. But the fine lines say you have to get those oil changes every 3,000 miles and who does that? So you end up spending $40 thinking it's a great deal and a year later you either can't find the rewards card or you move or just plain forget.

Now, what a local dentist could do to recession-proof my mouth is offer me a free cleaning, no strings attached. I'd certainly take them up on that offer.

I See Rich People

I'm usually mildly amused when the homeless find creative ways to ask for money at traffic intersections. But one guy took it a step too far.

His sign, which was typed in enormous font on paper glued to cardboard, read "I see rich people." The first time I saw him he was looking pretty not-homeless, in clean clothes, standing at an intersection near the mall I live by. He was laughing and joking with some other guy. I had just worked at the Park for 4 hours and had less than an hour to shower and eat before starting my 8 hour shift at Job #2. I realize I live in a rather well-off area, but it's also chock full of starving students (and, apparently, college graduates who work 2 jobs).

The second time I saw him was later that night, while working my shift at Job #2. This time he was standing at an exit at the Fashion Valley mall, guilting people for their evening of extravagant shopping. Again, he had on clean clothes and a smile. I drove by (in a brown 15-passenger van) shaking my head. He saw, waved and thought I was laughing at his sign.

I'm not sure what he was trying to do (because it was obvious this wasn't his only way of getting money), but he made me angry. So fuck you, I See Rich People guy. Just because I live in San Diego and just because I'm driving around moderately wealthy areas does not mean I will find your shenanigans funny. I don't have the time to just stand around shopping malls waving to cars, like apparently you do, so either you're recently laid off and eating through your severance pay or you've got someone taking care of you. Either way, STFU and go away. Besides: