Oh, Canada

If I were Canadian I would probably get this tattooed on me. No joke.

For all the jokes, Canada is looking pretty darn good right now.

Of all the countries in the world experiencing a poor economy (read: all the countries in the world), Canada's isn't quite that bad. Why? They didn't get as greedy as the rest of us and take the same risks that landed the rest of us in the shitter. Sure, we made fun of Canada for not taking those seemingly fail-proof risks back when our economy was strong, but now that they're (gleefully, no doubt) hosting the G-20 summit we've got our tail between our legs and our lips zipped.

But hopefully not too zipped. Why can't we learn from Canada? Why can't we say, "Oh, look at that. Canada might have a surplus in 5 years. Let's ask them what they're doing differently so we can have a surplus before we die." Maybe our leaders will ask some questions and take some notes this week. That would be nice.

Love

It's been a while since I've felt loved. Spending time with my sisters this weekend, then going for a beautiful hike among Torrey Pines with my lady, and then getting dressed all in black with red pumps and seeing my friends in my favorite neighborhood made me feel that I've been missing that lovin' feelin'.

Hanging with my sisters this weekend and just bullshitting around recharged my sense of closeness with them. It would be nice to be closer to them, to be able to see them more than once every couple months... I do miss them.

Hiking along the beach cliffs, among the incredibly endangered and beautiful Torrey Pines, looking out at a calm, overcast ocean restored my sense of closeness with the Earth. I love where I live, that a walk on the beach is a spontaneous possibility in the late afternoon.

Rounding out the night, dressed in all black, red heels, heavy eyeliner, in Hillcrest with 40 or so people all dressed as goths restored my sense of community. Being in Hillcrest makes my heart skip a beat. I really do love that neighborhood, and can't wait to be officially moved back there. I'll be living there in time for Gay Pride Festival, in time for summer and ready to take walks around Balboa Park and to Sushi Deli. I feel alive and happy there, like it's where I belong right now. But being there with a group of former co-workers for our good friend's birthday really made it a special night. Good moods abounded, and everyone was digging the make-up and costumes. I felt welcomed, even though I didn't know many people, and loved, especially when one coworker (who I didn't know liked me very much) slapped my ass and told me I was missed (she may have been tipsy but I'll take it).

I miss that loving feeling I used to get from life. I'm taking small steps to get it back but the meantime is draining me. Hooray for the little things, like meeting a singing dog and gaining his trust long enough for him to snatch a treat from my palm, for making salsa when you forgot to buy some at the store, for kitty sitting on the couch watching Scrubs, for a friend saying he appreciates you, for a sister appreciating your gift, for your dad's girlfriend not showing up to the graduation ceremony or dinner, for Costco cake, for heartfelt talks with your uncle, for photo prints coming in the mail, for a boy telling you he wanted to see you (even if it wasn't 100% true)... This is what keeps me going. Once again, world, keep it up. I need this.

Fuck You

This post will be dedicated to the images I found when I typed "fuck you" into Google image search. They gave me an internal lol.

The chihuahua is saying "Fuck you." And I spelled chihuahua right the first time!

I've been feeling very "fuck you" towards the world lately. It's incredible how easy it sometimes is for me to slip into feeling depressed more often than not. But what's also incredible is how everything falls into a seemingly calculated cycle: work/living arrangements/free time activities suck then work/living arrangements/free time activities all of a sudden change for the happy at the same damn time. And now I'm in one of those plunges, trying to find a way to make at least one of those things happier. It's the famous "if only" dilemma: if only I had a job I liked more, if only I was living in a place I loved again, if only I didn't have to work every single day in order to keep up with the bills, if only I had some direction in my life I would be a happy camper.

Naturally I think back to the last time I was HAPPY!!! End of last summer I was exploring my new found singleness, living in the best part of town, working at a job I hardly considered work (so, I'm gonna drive a truck full of animal lovers around a bunch of endangered animals as they come up close for food and photos and you're going to pay me for this?!), and hanging out with friends nearly every night as we reveled in San Diego summer. You tell me what's better than that.

HA!

But the thing that keeps me going day after day is the people. Man, people are great. Not only am I feeling sick and worrying myself all over the place that I'll still be sick for my sister's graduation next week, but all of the above "fuck you's" are weighing me down. And then a friend will ask how you're doing because she remembers you're sick, or give you an acacia leaf just to make you smile, or remind you of the fun times ahead, or laugh at her own jokes because she's funny, or offer a virtual hug, or even a stranger will offer to put in a good word for you if he dies and goes to heaven. Keep it up, people. I need you all.

Also, I found this:

It reminded me, after I stopped laughing, that we're all human, and we should all start acting like it. Follow your own beliefs, but don't be a dick and force them on the rest of us. Live and let live, but show some humanity.

The Small Stuff

Someone somewhere said, "don't sweat the small stuff" and then someone else somewhere else added, "and it's all small stuff!" to try and be clever and make you feel better about your life.

Well it doesn't work. Mostly because it's not all small stuff. In fact, some of it is very big stuff, and very big stuff deserves some sweat.

Big things I'm currently sweating:

Where I'm going to live in 3 weeks

Where I'm going to work this summer

What I'm going to do with myself for the next 20 years

Now, these things can be considered "the small stuff:" I move a lot anyway so where I live really doesn't matter all that much, at least I have a job and who cares if I don't like it, I still have plenty of time to figure out my dream career. After all, a wise man once said, "Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."

Now, I'm not a big fan of assisting the general population with either shitting or fucking, so I figure I oughta figure out what I am going to help people do. I figure the best way to do this is to ask myself how I would occupy my time if I had all the money in the world to spend as I figured. And I figure I would spend much of it helping animals and figuring out how many times I can write "figure" in one paragraph.

Which makes me wonder... say I spend a couple of years in nursing school learning to help people be healthy (yes, I understand I would need to help people shit... that's a huge drawback), would I be able to turn that around after a while and rehabilitate wildlife? Or could I use those skills to volunteer while still helping people? Or, even, could I somehow segue into ecology from nursing?

Priority #1 is finding a place to live for the immediate future. Priority #2 is finding a job I don't hate. Priority #3 is flipping a coin and deciding which career path to pursue. Funny thing is no matter what I do it will still involve a looooooot more schooling. When I was still in college I often said I'd be in school forever. Little did I know how true that thought was...