June 13, 2010


It's been a while since I've felt loved. Spending time with my sisters this weekend, then going for a beautiful hike among Torrey Pines with my lady, and then getting dressed all in black with red pumps and seeing my friends in my favorite neighborhood made me feel that I've been missing that lovin' feelin'.

Hanging with my sisters this weekend and just bullshitting around recharged my sense of closeness with them. It would be nice to be closer to them, to be able to see them more than once every couple months... I do miss them.

Hiking along the beach cliffs, among the incredibly endangered and beautiful Torrey Pines, looking out at a calm, overcast ocean restored my sense of closeness with the Earth. I love where I live, that a walk on the beach is a spontaneous possibility in the late afternoon.

Rounding out the night, dressed in all black, red heels, heavy eyeliner, in Hillcrest with 40 or so people all dressed as goths restored my sense of community. Being in Hillcrest makes my heart skip a beat. I really do love that neighborhood, and can't wait to be officially moved back there. I'll be living there in time for Gay Pride Festival, in time for summer and ready to take walks around Balboa Park and to Sushi Deli. I feel alive and happy there, like it's where I belong right now. But being there with a group of former co-workers for our good friend's birthday really made it a special night. Good moods abounded, and everyone was digging the make-up and costumes. I felt welcomed, even though I didn't know many people, and loved, especially when one coworker (who I didn't know liked me very much) slapped my ass and told me I was missed (she may have been tipsy but I'll take it).

I miss that loving feeling I used to get from life. I'm taking small steps to get it back but the meantime is draining me. Hooray for the little things, like meeting a singing dog and gaining his trust long enough for him to snatch a treat from my palm, for making salsa when you forgot to buy some at the store, for kitty sitting on the couch watching Scrubs, for a friend saying he appreciates you, for a sister appreciating your gift, for your dad's girlfriend not showing up to the graduation ceremony or dinner, for Costco cake, for heartfelt talks with your uncle, for photo prints coming in the mail, for a boy telling you he wanted to see you (even if it wasn't 100% true)... This is what keeps me going. Once again, world, keep it up. I need this.

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