October 17, 2010

Love Songs

Love may lift us up where we belong, but it can also drag us down. Sometimes way down. And after listening to rock radio stations for the last decade I know it's not just girls whose hearts are in the gutter- love and heartache is the stuff of all-dude bands, too.

Either way, my heart fucking aches.

I'd been feeling somewhat abandoned by various males lately and my dad's sudden and complete abandonment was the icing on shit cake. Plus, it's hard to find someone to talk to about it: a couple of close friends know, but it's so unbelievable that I almost feel like anyone would think I'm making it up, even though I'm obviously not, and I don't want to talk their ears off, which I've been doing for years, thanks to my overly dramatic family. If I talk about it with friends who are less close or don't know the full story that is my family it's like I'm searching for condolences, which I'm not. But I do need to talk about it with someone, so, world, here you are.

I'm having a hard time dealing with rejection, real and perceived. I feel rejected by a friend who talks about nothing but the goodness of positive people in your life; I valued him highly but now I'm questioning his role in my life... maybe it wasn't as positive as I thought. I feel rejected by a friend I had romantic feelings for, which were rejected, and now I'm feeling rejected as a friend (which may or may not be related and which may or may not be real). I feel rejected by yet another friend (geeze, these are all male friends...) who talked a big game about friendship and staying in touch but who now seems to have forgotten I existed. I think what hurts the most about these rejections is they lead to realizations that these people I once thought so highly of end up disappointing me once they stop being the amazing souls I saw and start being real people.
Also, it's getting harder and harder to tactfully handle the "why don't you have a boyfriend" questions when the askers just can't believe that I don't. True, I've done more rejecting than being rejected, but it would be nice, just once, to have my crush turn into a relationship, rather than be someone else's crush-turned-girlfriend. Maybe the problem with that is I don't get those butterflies very often and when I do finally get those feelings it's because we've become friends, and then it's just awkward.

But to have your own father abandon you as his child is the ultimate form of rejection. But it happens: listening to the radio made me realize also how many songs are about fathers leaving. At least I'm an adult, not a little kid. But your parents are supposed to love you unconditionally. My relatives tell me he'll always love us and I try to remind myself that they're right, but it doesn't feel like it at all. If you love someone you call them on their birthday. If you love someone you make yourself available, even if you disagree sometimes. If you love someone you don't tell them you love your girlfriend more. If you love someone you don't tell them you never wanted them around. I'm sure deep down he feels a little guilty, deep down he still does love us... but he's trying to make us think he doesn't. My sisters and I discussed some of the things going on with our aunt and uncle who brought up another point: we may blame our dad's girlfriend for doing these terrible things and convincing our father that we're awful people who don't deserve his love, but he is an adult and is making these decisions on his own, knowing full well what he's doing. And that's the disgusting part: he's doing this on purpose. To his own kids. And that's what's so painful.

So, I was already kind of feeling a little down and out regarding my relationships with the rest of human kind when my dad dropped that bomb, but it seems things all happen together. Maybe it's best that way. Things can only go up from here, right? And maybe some of those romantic love songs I hear on the radio will have some meaning in my life again.

1 comment:

  1. I will always love you, my dear. I will never leave. Even when you try and run away...I'll be there. Don't let stupid boys get you down, they aren't worth it. And one is imagined, he's just flaky and too self involved. Don't let it bug you. You're awesome. You don't have a boyfriend because there aren't any boys around right now that deserve you. And you're already taken, derrr thanks babe god :'(