March 8, 2011

Kissing A Stranger

I was on a date, of sorts, with this guy. It was maybe the third or fourth date and we were just hanging out at his place, some of his friends were over, and it was a pizza-beer-movie kind of evening. He had his arm around me on the couch, in a kind of compulsory way. But suddenly he turns, looks at me with confident eyes, and kisses me. He kisses me deliberately, securely. It lasts a few seconds, then he pulls away leaving me speechless, almost even breathless. We stare at each other for a second, then he turns back to the movie, grinning, and I look around the room, seemingly for the first time. The friends are laying sprawled out on their stomaches on the floor, chatting about what's going on on the TV, this guy's arm is now comfortably around me, holding me close, and I'm just accepted into this group of people without question, all because I'm with their good friend. We're all lounging in sweatshirts on a weeknight, entirely unconcerned with dress code. I relax into my date's arm, at once contented and excited at my new place in this group. That kiss, the deliberate way in which it was delivered, the confident no-questions-asked attitude, roped me in.

And then I woke up.

On the up side, I woke up in a really good mood. If reading into dreams means anything (which, after the earthquake dream the other night, I hope not), maybe it means I'm going to meet a handsome stranger in grad school. When I looked at this guy after the kiss I felt amazed– not that we kissed like that but that I knew this was something. Not it, but something meaningful. And that was exciting. Waking up with that feeling still fluttering around inside me reminded me that that exists– I may not have been waiting around hoping my boyfriends would ask me out, and definitely never thought my relationships would last more than a couple of months or be even remotely serious (boy was I wrong), so I never got that really excited "I hope this works out" feeling. I'd certainly like to think that I'll have that feeling, or something similar, if I ever get married. I'd also like to think that if there ever is anyone I want to marry that I'll know, even if it doesn't work out or he doesn't want to marry me; the thought of being in a ('nother) serious relationship for years but still having that "how do you know it's right?" feeling lurking around seems depressing.

Though I have to say I did know, in my two relationships. I knew they weren't right, I just may not have been quick to admit it (ok, ok, it took me years to admit it, and then 6 months after admitting it to ending it... so I take my time, alright?). Half the battle is working up the courage to get along on your own, but the other half of the battle is working up the courage to break some poor guy's heart. Nobody really looks forward to either of those battles.

I like that my dreams take on hopeful themes as well as terrifying ones (simultaneous earthquakes are scary as shit, apparently, but in my dream everyone was physically and mentally OK). My dreams, combined with some real life positivity, make me think things are gonna get good quick. I'm ready for change.

For now, it's off to Nyquil land for some more drug-induced adventures.


  1. No, it didn't happen. Unless dreams are a reality of another dimension or something...