April 21, 2011

An Open Letter To Men

Dear Men,

Please shave your goddamn faces. This is an issue that seems to present itself way more often than the cursory I-woke-up-in-a-rush-this-morning-and-didn't-have-time should allow. Why does this happen? Is it the rugged manly-man commercials that make stubble look sexy? Are you lazy? Are you trying to hide some pimple or something? Are you all failing miserably at growing beards? Why do you want to grow a beard anyway? They're not sexy. (You can have Movember; anything for charity.)

Here's the reason a clean shaven face is sexy: our cheeks, our lips, our necks, our shoulder blades, our collar bones, pretty much anything you might want to kiss is naturally hairless. I mean, there are the little tiny fuzzies that create that baby soft smoothness that you'll never have on your cheeks (sorry, but that's the way life is), but otherwise hairless. This means there's no protective barrier against those painfully sharp little spikes you've got growing out of your chin. Try rubbing that on the inside of your arm or something. Doesn't feel good, does it? Imagine a half hour of that. When you're making out with a guy with a 3-day beard your chin gets all raw and red. Which not only isn't attractive, it fucking hurts.

And there's one more, somewhat more subtle reason a clean shaven face is sexy: our other lips appreciate a fresh shave. A lot of guys now like a woman with little to no hair-down-there, and more and more women are going Brazilian (or are at least trimming). We do NOT like those painfully sharp little spikes you've got growing out of your chin on those VERY SENSITIVE AREAS. Talk about killing the mood: I like you, you like me, I'm putting up with your spiky chin because you're funny and you smell nice, until you try to step things up a notch by heading down south and I have to try my damnedest to enjoy it. It might have actually been good, but I'll never know if your face is covered in sandpaper.

Which brings me to another point. Guys, I realize shaving is probably not your favorite part of waking up, and it must suck to have to do it every other day. But when you consider that the only thing you're shaving is your face, while your women are shaving their armpits, arms, legs and vaginas, it's really not so bad. We do it because you don't want to look at hairy armpits, because running your hand up a hairy leg is not a turn on, and because eating out a ball of hair has its downsides.

So, boys of shaving age, if you think there's a chance you'll be making out with a woman later you should shave. If you don't think there's a chance you'll be making out with a woman but you're hoping it'll happen anyway you should shave. If you're not even going on a date or seeing anyone but you've always entertained the idea of making out with someone you just met spontaneously you should shave. If there's absolutely no chance you'll get anywhere near a woman, if you have absolutely no interest in making out, and you have absolutely no desire in creating an opportunity to make out you can skip the shave.

It seems that facial hair should be a clear indicator of interest. A clean shaven face would mean the man thought ahead, decided there was at least a 0.001% chance he'd get to make out (or more), and figured you'd appreciate a fresh shave, making him considerate, or at least into you. A day old shave would mean the guy's a little more comfortable with you, or at least not trying super hard to impress you. A 2-3 day old shave would mean he's either not that into you or doesn't give a fuck how making out with sandpaper feels. Or that he's trying to grow a beard. And a full on bearded man should be saying, "Hey, I know I've got a small mammal on my chin, but I sure as fuck know what I'm doing."

So, guys, shave your faces. Every single body part on us thanks you.



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