April 22, 2011


Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean the world isn't out to get you.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just paranoid or if I'm being smart...

There are things I want to write but because I don't know exactly who has access to this site (which is to say I do know who has access to it I just don't know who they share it with...), but that whole thought makes me angry because that's NOT THE POINT OF THIS BLOG! I decided when I began two years ago that I would write what I wanted no matter who was reading, no matter who was going to be upset by what I wrote.

The problem with that is when I started I never in a million years thought I would be in the position I'm currently in with members of my family. There's a level of fear I live with now which is beyond constricting and I don't know what to do with it... If I say things here that get distorted and spread around it could cause serious problems for others. I'm not concerned about myself because I stand behind every word I write and will defend it to anyones face. But others can't do that.

What it all seems to come down to is whether or not I think certain people are intentionally malicious. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, from intimate connections to total strangers. There is always a more innocent explanation for why someone would do or say something harmful than because he or she meant to cause harm. But what if I'm wrong? What if that is the explanation?

I can't believe people are like that, though, so I'll just go on assuming the best until I have irrefutable proof otherwise. I've been let down before, but I'm already cynical, and I don't need to believe the worst. That will destroy me.

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