June 27, 2011

Drugs Or Me

First of all I'd just like to say I never in a million years thought I'd have to ask someone to choose between doing drugs or being with me. Second, I certainly never thought someone would actually pick the drugs. Holy fuck.

There are so many questions I have because this seems so irrational to me. Of all the things you could leave someone for, of all the things better than having a girlfriend, or even all the things you could get in a fight over, a drug just sounds silly. I don't date people who do drugs. I don't get involved in drugs. I don't even want to know about it. I'm still shocked this happened.

This weekend made me wonder about the last few months. I'd spent a good part of this year working towards a relationship with this guy, and the last few weeks when it became pretty obvious we were essentially boyfriend and girlfriend I was excited. I liked him and I knew he liked me, and last weekend I wanted to make our relationship official. Only he dropped this bomb on me and then watched me leave. He asked me if I was sure this was a big enough deal that I was going to end the relationship over it, but I should have asked him the same thing. Obviously, though, we both knew it was. If I'd been thinking clearly I would have asked him if he was really willing to let me leave, if this one night was worth losing me. So what was I these last few months? What were we if it was that easy for him to let me go?

It's so hard to see someone you really like make a decision like that. There's no way I can look at him the same way after he tells me he'd rather have a night of drugs than a relationship with me; it's made me physically sick to my stomach to think about it and I don't think I've ever been more disappointed in someone I liked. I want to yell at him, make him feel like shit for making me feel like shit, to hear him say it wasn't worth it and he regrets it and wishes he didn't do it, but even if I do yell he won't say those things. I don't know if he realizes how bad that hurt me; he's apologized a bunch of times, but I still want to say everything I've been thinking to him to make myself feel better. "I'm sorry" isn't enough to make my complete embarrassment over wanting a relationship with someone who'd rather do drugs go away.

I do have to wonder, though, what he'll tell those who ask why we broke up. Anything he says will make him look like a dick (except to those who were doing it with him). Two of his friends watched me leave. I was holding all of my stuff in my overnight bag, visibly crying and giving him a hug goodbye when they came in, instantly saw what was going on and froze, just watching. I turned and left, trying my hardest to not start sobbing, and the three of them watched me go. When I made it to my car I couldn't hold back anymore and cried until I saw their taxi pull up, then I moved my car and cried some more. Never in a million years did I think that's why I would break up with someone, and never did I think it would hurt this much.

I'm a good girlfriend. I cook and bake, I bring you shit when you're sick, I don't make you watch chick flicks, I split the bill, I give massages and I'm willing to go do things. It doesn't seem fair that I was picked second to a drug.

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