July 28, 2010

In Which I Am A Hypocrite

Google image search "single."

This week marks one full year of singledom! If you've read even somewhat consistently, you know that before last July I had been in one of two rather serious relationships, for 7 cumulative years, both ending either because I didn't want to marry him or he didn't want to marry me. So this year was a learning experience.

One thing I learned is that when you're pretty sure you're going to be with the person you're already with (especially when that person is the only one you've slept with) it's easy to make bold statements about what you'll never do because you don't think the opportunity will ever come up. But when that relationship died, so did the idea that I had to live by the standards I set for myself way back before adulthood. The question "why?" suddenly became "why not?"

So, there was a neighbor, a roommate, a friend, a coworker, and a couple of category repeats who I got to one base or another with, despite all of them being on the "List of People I'd Never ______." But none of those situations were spur of the moment, at least on my end. Before getting into those situations I'd already made up my mind about what I was comfortable doing; if I wasn't comfortable with something it didn't happen.

And that's how I avoid regret.

I love Google image search.

There were also some situations that never happened (which was for the best, even though part of me really wanted them to), and others that could have been more, but I wasn't comfortable enough at the time.

The point of all this is to ultimately figure out what I'm looking for. I've already written about things I've learned from the long-term boyfriends I've had, and this year was an entirely different kind of learning. Now I have a better sense of who I am as well as who I want to be and what kind of person I want to be with.

No idea why this showed up in Google image search for "single."

Every guy I kissed had some fatal flaw (ranging from incredibly hot but crazy to just plain far away), which is why this has been the Year of the Single Lady. But also, when I look back on my past I realize how dangerous it was to jump from one serious relationship to the next. I was still in love with my first boyfriend when I started dating the next one (who, to be fair, was still in love with his ex-girlfriend) and those feelings didn't subside for months. I know so many people who've hopped from one love to the next and, despite having fallen out of love rather quickly, I knew being 100% over it would take some time (after all, it was close to 6 years).

So, in which I am a hypocrite, the guy I'm kinda being courted by has his own fatal flaw: smoking. It's yet to be decided the severity of this disgusting habit and it may well flop before it gets anywhere, but at least that's a flaw that can change (and let's be honest, it'll probably have to).

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