Bouncing Back

In December I quit my job without having anything else lined up. I intentionally wanted to take some time off because I was overly stressed out. My time off would be at least partially no work and no school, and possibly school with no work, which I was really excited about. However, the spring semester started January 29, and on February 1 I started a new job. So, back at it.

Why this job? In early January I found out I was accepted to an optional course that will take me to Namibia. The course spans summer and fall (7 credits, holy shit) and includes 10 days in the country working with conservationists on a particular issue in that region. For Namibia, that means cheetah conservation. But it's expensive. The course is over $3,000 not including airfare or extra expenses (souvenirs, extra travel days, extra snacks, etc.). Obviously I'll want to travel to other countries while in Africa so I'm looking at $5,000 bare minimum. For what I'm getting it's actually very affordable (7 credits, a flight to the other side of the world, unheard of educational opportunity, and a visit to a place I've been dreaming about for decades), it's just a lot all at once. I've been saving for this so I'm set, but definitely couldn't keep living on my savings for funzies.

This job also comes with the title I've been wanting: content and communications coordinator. Far more than SEO manager, this title is something the nonprofit organizations I'm interested in actually hire for, so having this on my resume is going to be really helpful. This role will give me much more relevant social media experiences and involves the kind of writing I'd like to be doing.

One of the most appealing things about this job is the flexibility. It's slightly less than full time, meaning if I need to not work a full 40 hours I don't have to (which will be a massive break from my previous full-time-plus job), and I'll be working from home a lot of the time, which gives me back that commute time. When I do need to meet in-person it's in a co-working space in my own area, so I can walk or ride my bike. Win win win.

That said, I'm also taking my two regular classes plus an independent study, totaling 6 credits this semester (the most I've ever taken at once was 5). Soooo I'm a little nervous that I've over extended myself.

Which brings me to the title of this post: bouncing back. It's kind of two-fold. I'm back to working and schooling, so I fully anticipate the same level of stress I quit my job to avoid. But it also means I very likely won't be doing much in the way of exercise. I didn't for several months in 2017 and it was brutal. I love running and miss it very much. The weight gain and general depressive state I'm in when not running suck, so running was one of my top priorities during my break (almost every day, even if it was only a mile). I also did a (very) little weight lifting with the free weights we have at home and loved the tone and strength my arms started to show. It's amazing how quickly my body bounces back after neglecting it for some time. I only had a month to really prioritize exercise and eating well and in that month lost some weight, fit better in my jeans, and felt good. Really good. Like I felt when I was running again after recovering from an ankle injury and surgery. I have a 5k next month, but by this time next year I'll be signed up for a bunch of races. It's encouraging that in only a month of running not even particularly far distances I'll feel great again, even after stopping for several months. Just need to remember that the yucky that I feel is temporary.

Edit: I ran that 5K faster than I've ever run anything! Finished under 25 minutes, which is a minute faster than I expected and two minutes faster than my goal. Felt really good to see that end time and be at the front-ish of the herd and to get the validation of the training paying off. Maybe a little extra good because it was raining, on a dirt and somewhat muddy trail, and I was wearing a tutu.

Quitting

This week I did something I've never done before: I voluntarily quit my job with nothing else lined up. As a planner and saver and general worrier, up and quitting my job is extremely unlike me. If I'm being honest, it's terrifying. Exciting and gratifying and freeing, but terrifying. But I didn't just say f-you to my bosses and walk out the door - I planned this for a few months. Longer, actually. Since starting grad school a year and a half ago I knew I probably wouldn't be able to keep up a full-time job throughout the whole program. At least not the full-time job I had (I not so affectionately called it "full-time-plus"). I'm in school to change my career path so I really want to give it my all, learn as much as I can, and hopefully get a job that gives more meaning to my life and allows me to give more of myself. I started to realize I wasn't excelling at either my day job or my classes. I needed to quit one, and it wasn't going to be school.

 A lot of lucky things happened to make this possible. The Boyfriend and I lucked out with cheap rent, we don't have a lot of expenses, and I made enough at my job to pay for school and still put money in savings. I have enough to live on for a few months and still not dip below my "don't touch this" threshold. The only thing that makes me nervous (and which I have cried about on more than one occasion) is that I worked really hard to build up that savings. It's modest - in the range of a down payment's down payment, but that and my car are all I've got to my name. The logical part of me says it's ridiculous to waste it on not having a job for a few months. But the logical part of me also understands that everything else was pretty bleak. Realizing the types of thoughts I was having (and some quick Googling on grad school and depression to validate those thoughts) was scarier than the thought of being voluntarily unemployed.

 I did know this was coming, but I was hoping to hold out until June 2018. That would have meant a solid 3 years at that job, another 6 months of savings, potentially leaving at a really busy time in my program, and a summer to not work. The breaking point was a new account at work. I'd asked to stay at the accounts I was currently managing - I felt I was barely keeping my head above water and a new account would sink me. This wasn't unreasonable, as I was meeting the standard for which we were judged for being considered "full". I was honest with my team and bosses about school, so they knew it wasn't out of laziness that I was asking for this. The new account I was given was sold to me as half an account - won't take much of my time, I can delegate most of the work, we just want to show them our capabilities. It didn't seem like a big deal, but that project quickly engulfed my time. In one week I spent over 30 hours on that project alone, all but ignoring my other accounts. I couldn't ignore them completely, so I worked a lot of overtime to make up for it, which meant I turned in some really crappy assignments for school, lost a lot of sleep, stopped exercising, and barely even got to see The Boyfriend or our pets. I was worn.

 After a not so great presentation with this account, my manager said I could have prioritized them more and not focused on school so much. Those words could not have been further from the truth. Fortunately, I said so, but it was in that moment I knew my efforts were not enough and would never be enough. Here I am, feeling like I'm giving my all, stressed the fuck out and not doing well in other aspects of my life because of this one client, and that still wasn't good enough. So I gave my notice the next week. I gave almost two months notice. I didn't have anything else lined up and I knew the company was already short-staffed, so why not? It was a relatively awkward two months... I don't recommend giving that much notice - give a month but not more. But the shitty part was two of my accounts weren't staffed until two weeks before my last day, so I was still scrambling to get everything in order. I ended up leaving not very confident that my replacement on those two would be able to renew the projects, but, as The Boyfriend reminded me a few times, it wasn't my problem. This job was not my passion. It seems that to do it well you either need to be truly passionate about SEO and/or not have any other hobbies or interests so you can spend your nights and weekends working. For some people that's dandy, but not for me.

 Today is the first day I would have normally been working. I cleaned and set up my home desk, took care of some personal paperwork I hadn't gotten to for weeks, finished a book, cleaned the kitchen, got lunch with The Boyfriend, finished my late Christmas shopping, and went on a really long walk with a friend and the pups. I even already had a phone interview with another agency, but it doesn't sound like a good fit for me (same stress, less money, no thanks). I'm looking forward to being a better girlfriend than I have been the last several months, getting back to exercising regularly, reading more, and prepping for my independent study in January. I've gone back and forth as to whether or not quitting my job is a good idea, and I may go back and forth some more, but today I'm feeling good about it. I want to feel like a human being again and enjoy the things that make my life full, and I just wasn't able to do that before.

Changes

The last few weeks have been quite a whirlwind of downs and ups and things that would be so frustrating if they weren't a little funny.

First off, the cat and dog have been living together. Mostly unhappily...

August started with my two year anniversary with the boyfriend (aww). We went to a sushi restaurant in La Jolla that I had a Groupon for, and it was underwhelming. The atmosphere was nice, and going somewhere we've never been before was fun, but the sushi is way better in North Park. Which actually is great, because we eat at one of three nearby sushi places every week, and it's nice to know that we're getting the best without paying an arm and a leg or driving 20 minutes each way. We walked the long way back to the car and stopped at a little cafe that had cakes for dessert.

The very next day was his bff's birthday, so we went to a pizza/beer place, where we met some random southerners who were in San Diego before going to Vegas for a gay wedding. We stayed up late, ate burritos, and fell asleep on the couch until the very early hours of the morning. The day after that I was supposed to go to a meet up with my coworkers, partly because our boss was presenting, but my throat had been hurting all day and I had a mini anxiety attack when I got home from work; the thought of skipping it made me calm down. So I did and spent the evening cleaning my apartment and made one of my night-by-myself dinners. The next day I got a call from a fraud center informing me my debit card was stolen (even though it was still in my wallet). There were four attempts from Honolulu to Baltimore of someone using my card, and one was successful to the tune of $76 - at a Food Maxx in Union City. I went to my credit union to fill out a fraud affidavit (at, like, 515 on a Friday) and raced back home because my mom was in town for a visit... waiting in her car.

Over the weekend my sore throat turned into a full blown cold, but we pretty much spent the whole time at the beach and that made it a lot less severe. We hiked Torrey Pines one day and walked from Torrey Pines to La Jolla Shores the next (I stepped on a bee and got stung on my foot and got to experience seeing a whole lot of old man penis with my mother). Oh, and a pipe beneath my room sprung a leak and we came back Saturday night to discover my carpet was all wet. That awesomeness is in much more detail here.

The boyfriend and I had been talking about living together for a little over a year and had recently decided to aim for the fall, after wedding season was over and he had more time to devote to the process. The ordeal with my apartment made us decide to move that up, so we spent the next week on Craigslist, emailing our favorite listings to each other. We also took a couple nights after work to drive around our target neighborhood looking for rent signs and made a few appointments to see apartments.

On one such night I got a call from my gynecologist - I had a yeast infection (fucking antibiotics) and something known as LGSIL - a low grade lesion. This can be caused by HPV. I got the Guardasil shot series after breaking up with the first person I'd had sex with but Guardasil doesn't protect from all forms of HPV - or cervical cancer. Soooo there's that. Now I get to have a colposcopy (where they go in to the cervix with a flashlight and scalpel) and a biopsy. The chances of this being anything more than a random lump is super small, and it will very likely just go away on its own in a year or two. However, now I've had an abnormal PAP and need them every year rather than every two. It was weird though, hearing the doctor say the word cancer. She told me that most women don't know they have cervical cancer because there are no outward symptoms (I wouldn't have felt this lesion), which is why PAPs are so important.

The rest of the week was full of apartment hunting. One night we went to see a place in our second choice neighborhood, which was right by a dog park. Long-story-full-of-emails-back-and-forth-short: we loved it, applied for it and got it! Deposit is sent, lease is signed, and in a few weeks we'll be living together. I didn't expect the boyfriend to be as excited and enthusiastic about moving and living together as he's been since we got the official notice, because the next month or two are going to be much more complicated for him than they are for me. He owns his condo, which means he'll have to rent it out and all of the responsibilities that come with that. On the other hand, I'm super grateful that he's willing to do this to live with me and to live in an area that's close to my work. In the long run I believe it will be beneficial for us both (extra income and a shorter commute for him, an area I already love by work for me), but the initial effort is definitely more one sided.

Days after we got official notice of the new apartment I had my year review at my company. My boss shared with me his vision for the company, told me he wants to support those who share his vision (which I do completely), and gave me a huge vote of confidence in the form of a high profile client. After years of odd-jobs that were fun and other jobs that sucked, I'm so happy to be in a solid position in a company that is not just doing well but has plans for the future, and a company that has a future for me.

So, after more than a week of downs-that-weren't-that-bad, I had more than a week of ups-that-were-amazing. And the next month or two will certainly be stressful and life changing, but they'll also be exciting and happy. I can't wait.

Vegas For Business

The Strip!

So, February was a whirlwind month. But March 1 sent me to fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada! Vegas!!!

Course, I was only going to give a presentation, with my boss, to one of my clients on Google+. But still, Vegas! And since the company pays for a night in a hotel when traveling for business I got to stay.

Feelin' like a big shot.

It was the first time I was in a plane by myself, too. And not just my first time in the Las Vegas airport alone, but the first time in that airport ever. I ended up going to the wrong pick up area and was trying to explain to my boss, who was trying to pick me up in a rental car, where I was. When he finally did find me we had almost 2 hours before our presentation time and decided we should grab some lunch and settle in and maybe talk about the presentation. But then we thought it'd be better to go to the hotel where the conference was at and get our bearings before doing the lunch thing.

The conference was in The Orleans, a giant hotel that's nowhere near The Strip. It's on the other side of the 15 and looks like it's been there quite a while. To borrow the words of my boss the hotel "is bigger than North Park." We maneuvered the structure (which also has an arena) and found the site of the conference. At the check in area my boss mentioned we were speaking on Google+ and the lady knew exactly which room to send us to. And then she told us we had 15 minutes to go.

Wait... 15 minutes? We thought we had more than an hour to go.

Apparently there was some miscommunication about when we were going on because we'd arrived with exactly enough time to give our presentation. Since we'd planned on getting lunch first and it was clear we now did not have that opportunity, my boss asked if there was food we could have before we started. We were shown to a simple buffet style set up in a massive conference room that had probably two dozen booths set up with information and products to sell, and took about 12 minutes scarfing down lunch. Then we walked in to our conference room exactly on time (but with not enough time or privacy to change my shoes... I went up there in flip flops).

It turned out we had to give the presentation to two different groups: one at 2:30 and one at 3:30 (which probably contributed to the miscommunication). The first half of the presentation was given by my boss, which introduced the concept of Google+ for businesses to a crowded room of 50+ franchise owners. Then he introduced me and I gave my presentation - something I created especially for this group of business owners. There were lots of questions (most of them good ones), which I was glad for because it made me feel there was a lot of genuine interest that might linger until they all got home. My boss helped me with the questions I couldn't answer, which was helpful when the questions and conversation turned away from the points I was making, and a few people came up to us after for more in depth questions.

With just a few minutes of a break we dove in give the presentation again, though our crowd was far smaller the second time around (which was kind of nice). I had thought with fewer people there would be more time for questions, but like with the first group I felt like I talked too quickly and glossed over some very important parts just to try and finish each slide. But there were just as many questions, and again most of them were really good, so people were still paying attention. 

After we finished up my boss had to catch his flight back and he had just enough time to take me to my hotel first, saving me a cab ride. I was supposed to stay at The Orleans because of the conference discount my company would have gotten, but due to a fortunate error with the booking website I was given a room in The Westin, which was just a couple of blocks off The Strip. The hotel had a distinct older feel to it (perhaps because it smelled more like perfume and cologne than cigarettes, which I was grateful for), but it was beautifully decorated and the room was exactly what I was hoping for - clean look and feel, comfortable bed and sheets, and a few nice upgrades. 

I felt really lucky to be in such a fun city in exchange for just a few hours of work (not including actually developing the presentation...). The point of me going was twofold: to inspire my client to take a more active role in their social media and local search presence and to give me a taste of presenting before I have the opportunity to present to a much larger group of peers, which is something my company encourages within the industry. This presentation went well, so I imagine when the day comes to go to one of our industry conferences I'll know a little bit more of what to expect.

In Which I Am An Adult

I'm a Thundercat!

At least, that's what it's starting to look like.

For the first time in my whole life I have business cards. With my name on them. And my work email. OMG.

And I have, like, a million. (Alright, the box says it's just 500.) Now I can drop a business card in those little jars for the free lunch! Or, you know, network.

They seem to have come just in time, too, because I'll be going to my first professional networking event next week where someone might actually want one. (Unlikely, since the event is hosted by a fellow Thunder employee and will probably be attended by much of the office, which is comprised of people who are savvier than I and who also have business cards.)

Other than my business cards, very adult things have been happening around me. While I'm still not counting my chickens before they hatch and waiting until my 3-month probationary period is up, I have to admit it's looking like I'm in. They're putting my photo on the wall of employee faces, I'm writing for the company blog later this month (which I'll be bragging about here in a week or so), I'm the account manager for multiple clients, and they did just give me 500 company business cards with my name on them. And a mug. Also, this might be the year I finally join the ranks of the working insured. That's right: health care might be right around the corner. So that's exciting.

Adult things have been happening in my personal life, too. Another first for me is watching someone close to me plan a wedding. Other than seeing random tidbits from former friends and acquaintances on Facebook (and lately seeing more wedding photos of strangers than I ever thought I'd see), I've never been privy to the process. Having it happen in my own apartment is eye opening and interesting. 

Which leads me to another adult occurrence: looking for an apartment on my own. I did this once before (I still miss Community) and it made me feel very grown up. Having to have a roommate because you have a shitty job that barely supports you will very quickly make you feel like a child. My roommate moving in with her fiance (an adult thing to experience second-hand) in a couple of months, combined with my relative security in my new position means I'll not only have the opportunity to live alone again, but have the means. And I might even step it up to a one-bedroom, rather than a studio.

Which leads me to my final nudge into adulthood: the topic of living with the boyfriend. Seems like I can't go more than a week or two without being asked if we're moving in together, both by close friends and people who barely know us. So... I guess I'm at that age now where it's acceptable, even expected, that you live with your significant other after a certain amount of time. This is perhaps the most baffling adult feeling: I'm so used to people not asking that in my relationships, people expecting us to live apart and with roommates, people who would have been surprised if I'd lived with a boyfriend. Not anymore. Which means that when we do start living together people will probably be supportive and happy for us, not surprised and asking questions like I would have expected.

Plus, even though I have a lot of debt now (because people are jerks), the boyfriend and I have solid jobs that will allow us to save for traveling. By spring I'll be able to pay off my debts and save up for an East Coast trip. And traveling definitely makes you feel pretty darn grown up.

Living Comfortably

I bought a shiny because I could afford to.

For the first time in my life, most of my friends and I are living comfortably. We are no longer broke students, scraping together money for gas and beer, we are no longer in our entry level, grunt work positions where we worked full time and still had no cash, we are no longer buying frozen burritos simply because it's cheap food. We are doing OK.

Finances have become manageable as our positions have improved, and suddenly there's room in the budget for nicer dinners, nicer clothes, and nicer furnishings. Weekends don't revolve around what's cheap or free so much anymore, and we don't worry as much about spending a few dollars on an activity for entertainment. Vacations no longer have to be a visit to see the parents up the state simply because it means free food and a clothes shopping trip, if we're lucky. Vacations can mean actual plane tickets we bought ourselves to go to events we planned ourselves, even with our own friends. We can buy shiny things, things we've wanted for years but couldn't afford, things we needed but made do without, things that are the better versions of the things we currently have, and even things that are completely unnecessary.

Our homes have become a little less dorm-y and a little more comfortable. We've reduced the number of roommates we have or eliminated them completely. Some of my friends own homes and some are looking to own soon. We still keep our cars until they break but now we can afford to replace them, and with brand new vehicles that we love! We still look on craigslist.org for used furniture, but our maximum prices have gone up, our taste is a little more refined and we're slightly more choosy. In fact, instead of scouring the internet for used IKEA furniture, we go to IKEA to buy things new and buy far nicer things used online. When we see something we want we have the disposable cash (to a certain extent) to buy it, and don't have to save that long to buy the more expensive items. 

A $4 burrito at a taco shop is no longer dinner out, but a lunch at work, while a $12 plate at a sit-down restaurant can happen during the week. We still shop at Target, but can buy name brand. We have leftover cash to support our favorite charities. We might even donate to our Universities. If our jobs offer health care we can buy into it, and even go to the doctor or dentist without incredible fear of the costs. We can contribute to a retirement plan, and even start to believe that might one day be a reality.

All in all, we still live pretty cheaply. We don't have the major expenses like the older members of our generation, such as kids or expensive hobbies, and our extravagant excursions are still done with cost savings in mind. But we're now able to look ahead and see that being broke won't last forever, that if we just keep making smart decisions and keep rising up in our careers we'll get to the point where we can afford the more expensive parts of adult life. 

We're still in a recession or depression or recovering economy or whatever buzzword politicians are making up to make us feel better about the lack of jobs and social services, but us young adults are pulling through. Maybe it's because we happened to graduate college and earn a good year of work before the economy really tanked, making us a small group of successful young adults (far more so than the sorry kids who graduated after 2009) to be able to rise above, or maybe we've all just gotten lucky. Whatever the reason, we seem to be doing rather well for ourselves, and I think that even though we were all fine with our broke-student and post-college lives while we were living them, having a taste of disposable cash is going to be a great motivator to keep doing what we're doing. And we seem to be perfectly OK with that.

Working Woman

Oh god yes.

Aaaaaaand I got a job. Quickest bout of unemployment ever! Haven't even gotten an unemployment check yet, even, so that'll make taxes next year less confusing. 

I went through this blog from the last year or so and found six separate posts that are almost entirely about my job, why it sucked and how working full time and still not having money to do little things was wearing me out. I so wanted to find some awesome job, walk in to work and quit in a fantastic style, but being laid off because the owners couldn't work together anymore robbed me of that story. But on the other hand, I wouldn't have found the job I'm starting tomorrow had I not been looking in the middle of the day on a Tuesday. And for the first time in years, I'm taking a job not because it's there, not because I was offered the position, not because it's at least slightly better than the one before, and not because I have to have a job, any job, but because I wanted it when I saw it, because I think I fit in to the culture, because I have the same beliefs as the company and I believe we will support each other. For the first time since 2009 I'm excited to start a job that I think I will do great in, a job that suits me.

I spent the last three years in one job or another that paid the bills (sometimes barely... I still amaze myself with how little I actually need to survive on) and had its upside, but was mostly soul sucking. Working in the one department at the Wild Animal Park that didn't care about the animals and asked its employees to do whatever it took to make money was eye opening in a very bad way (especially for me), working for an English language school for international students that couldn't give a shit about the students' actual experience in San Diego and ruined many of their ideas of this country and this city was horrifying, and working for what I thought was a remodeling and home improvement company when all the owners cared about was signing a contract and cashing a check, flat out telling their employees they don't care about the customers and that we run a sales company, not a remodeling company and one that had favorite employees and employees that were constantly taken advantage of was shocking. And the job hunting process wasn't exactly a cake walk either, considering I'd been looking for months. When I was looking while still employed I wanted to find the right fit, and when I was looking while unemployed I was worried I'd have to once again take a job just because it was a job, don't much care what it is (watched a lot of Firefly last night).

I think, finally, I've found a company that not only does what it says it does, but cares about what it does (can you imagine?). Their mission statement includes the word passion in it. And from what the extensive interview process showed me, they really care who they hire because it's going to make a difference to the team, their creative process and their clients. I don't think a company would go through such an intense interview process if they didn't care so much. And I'm really excited if that's the case. I would love to be able to stay with a company for a few years and really grow with it and learn. I think I may have my chance to stop hopping around year after year.

Also finally, the boyfriend has a job he loves. After freelancing for... 4 years?... he landed a great job doing what he's been doing, only for an established photography company that gets its own clients and doesn't require him to do the whoring-himeself-out-for-work part. Which means all that stuff he doesn't like about the job he's doing for an hourly rate, and all the stuff he loves (photographing cars and food and animals) he can still do on his own time. And everything he does for the company gives him more skill. We've got the first step of the DINK system down now and one day we'll be those annoying pet parents real parents can't stand because we have disposable income for funzies (but we'll make it up by being a great aunt/uncle pair). The future is definitely looking good!

One Week: Two Years Later

Random collection of characters in extraordinary costumes.

The last week has been thoroughly out of the ordinary, much like last time.

Last Saturday I went to Comic Con for the first time. I'd been around downtown San Diego during Comic Con before but had never been inside. I'm not a big enough geek (or that into pop culture) to justify buying an expensive ticket or spending an entire day waiting around for something, which was my impression of Comic Con before, but the boyfriend, leading the charmed existence he does, won a pair of day tickets on the radio with his Star Wars knowledge. So I got to go! 

I have to admit, a good part of Comic Con was exactly what I'd imagined: a lot of people walking around in costumes and lots of waiting around. But a bigger part of Comic Con was something I'd never have discovered without going. The costumes, for example, were amazing! So much time, thought and detail went into creating them, and anyone who was dressed up was constantly stopped and asked for a photo. Plus, the range of characters, from TV shows, movies and comics, was astounding. So many genres were represented. It was pretty awesome. 

The all around eye candy in the convention center was also pretty amazing. So many enormous TV screens playing video games, trailers, clips from shows, interviews and promotional material, not to mention the rows upon rows of booths giving away comics, flyers and cards, had my eyes wide open. They give everyone a bag to carry around the swag in, which was half my height, and saying no to free material was actually pretty hard. I enjoyed going, but if we'd wanted to see the panels we'd have had to spend our entire day waiting in line, and that just doesn't seem like a good way to spend a Saturday... but that's why people buy multiple day passes. And The Oatmeal wasn't there, which was the one booth I was looking forward to.

Then Monday I went into work and about half of the company, myself included, was laid off. No warning, no notice, not even severance. I didn't even get paid for going into work, despite being there for almost two hours before finally leaving with my check from last week. Total shit. I'd wanted out of that company pretty much since starting more than a year ago, but I wanted to do it on my terms and be able to walk out of there having said what I felt, and that was taken away. The upside is the rest of the week has been a much happier one, where I woke up and felt ready to take on the day, went to bed at night with an accomplished feeling and have been far more satisfied with my life simply not having that job. I can't be in a job I hate, not for long anyway, and having done so was really taking its toll. In fact, I'd taken the Friday before off mostly to job hunt because I wanted out so badly. Of course, not having an income sucks and prevents me from truly enjoying this time off as much as I'd like to, but that's what unemployment insurance is for, right?

I spent the rest of Monday drinking, first with one also-laid-off coworker and then with friends, and had a lovely Monday for the first time in months. I have to say, summer is a great time to be unemployed. 

Tuesday I was very productive: got in a great morning work out then spent the rest of the afternoon applying to jobs. I found one that's actually in my own neighborhood (walk to work?!) and seems completely perfect for me. I took a lot of time crafting an application and personal email and they responded asking for a phone interview! The interview process at this particular company is long and involved because they're looking more for the right fit, but that makes me feel like I have an advantage. Here's hoping!

Wednesday, because the people in my life are awesome, I went to opening day at the Del Mar Racetrack with one of my best friends. I'd been to the races before but never on opening day, and so much eye candy! Fabulous dresses and even better hats were everywhere. It was so much fun getting dressed up and walking around with all of the other people. We took the free shuttle from the Solana Beach train station and our fellow passengers were so drunk (at 1pm) that we could smell the alcohol on them. Once we actually got in it was obvious the vast majority of opening day patrons had been drinking for some time. We met up with my friend's coworker, who was having a bad day, but it seemed like everyone else was having a bad day too. Around 4pm there were a lot of ladies who were yelling at their men or just sitting down tired, drunk and angry. It didn't affect us though - we enjoyed seeing the horses and all the dolled up ladies all day, even if we were the only ones in a halfway decent mood. But I'd have never had the chance to go to opening day and prance around in a hat and dress if I was employed!

Thursday night, again taking advantage of my newfound unemployment, the boyfriend and I and his friend saw The Dark Knight Rises at midnight. I won't say anything about it except that it was great and totally worth seeing at midnight. However, I don't think I'll be seeing any more midnight showings, job or no job, because apparently I'm old and it's become too hard to stay awake. 

Friday the boyfriend and I ran some errands, getting a cage for his very fruitful tomato plant, and met up with his friends in my neighborhood for happy hour. One of his old friends from college was in town for Pride and their whole group got together. It was a fun night, especially because everyone seemed to be in such a great mood.

It's an awful cell phone picture, but those are dancing super heroes.

And finally, today is Gay Pride. We went to the parade, walked to Balboa Park (where apparently the festival is $20 per person), and then walked back. The people watching during Pride is one of my favorite things to do, and I always try to go at some point of the day. We saw a girl walking around in just shorts and star-shaped pasties on her nipples, right past a cop. He told her to put a shirt on. She complained and the poor cop just shook his head as in, look, you can't go walking around naked, just put a shirt on. It was a little ridiculous. But then so was the foam-mobile. 

Tonight might consist of sushi and drink specials and maybe walking around Hillcrest for Pride. This year, though, is going to be decidedly different from last. This year will not involve me making out with a gay man, or annoying anyone's boyfriend, or walking through Hillcrest barefoot because my heels hurt too much (I still shudder that I actually did that). This year will more likely consist of me saving the boyfriend from the clutches of very outgoing hopefuls around town. Seeing everyone happy and free and out makes me feel happy, which is why I love Pride.

It's certainly been an interesting week! I'm going to make an effort to better enjoy this time of no-work because I know that soon enough I'll be back at it 5 days a week. 

My First World Problem

I hate my full time job but can't afford to leave it.

I'm really sick of hating my job. I've hated my job for close to 3 years, and it's really starting to weigh down because I've had jobs I've really loved. I just haven't had one in years. And that gets old.

I honestly feel like I'm a hard working, dedicated and loyal employee. I want to see the company or group I'm with succeed and I want to help it do so. But I don't want to work for a company where the boss gets rich and the employees are overworked, mistreated and/or peons. I don't want to work for a company that is only concerned about the income and completely unconcerned about customer service or the quality of the product or service they provide. I don't want to have a pit in my stomach on Sunday nights or get a headache driving to work in the morning because I'm fed up, angry, and exhausted. I don't want to see my name being used on shit articles or associated with a company I would never in a million years recommend to anyone. 

I want to do something that matters.

I'm not looking to get rich (with a degree in Literature and Writing and an interest in non-profits I've long ago made peace with the fact that that just will not happen even if I want it to), but I don't want to be taken advantage of. I know I can survive on incredibly little money, so a high salary really isn't going to be a deal breaker or even much of a requirement. That being said, I do have a college degree and I'm not going to be happy with a $10 an hour gig no matter how great it is. 

All this being said, I can't help but feel like a whiney little girl. I have a full time job at a decent hourly rate (not as good as I'd like but a lot better than a year ago) and can afford my apartment, my car, my new computer and save for a vacation. My life doesn't suck; it's actually pretty great from 530pm to 9am, and I'm at least working with people I really like and am using the skills I learned getting my degree. So why all the complaining? Because it's not enough. I want it all, I really do, and I know I won't be happy until I have it all. And I'm so close. All I want is to work for a company I believe in, a company that deserves my loyalty and dedication, a company I can be proud to work for. And isn't that the American Dream? Am I really asking for too much? I was not led to believe that working a mediocre job was the plan or the goal or even how I would spend my twenties. And wanting every week day to pass by quickly so it can be the weekend again is wasting my summer, my year and eventually my life and that is most certainly not how I want to live.

I'm not asking to find my dream job, though that'd be nice. I'm just asking to not hate the thing I spend the vast majority of my waking life doing. 

How To Get A Man/Job

What my rejection emails really mean.

The title of an article could be "how to get a man" or "how to get a job" and the content, with a few altered keywords, would be essentially the same. I've never really been the person to take Cosmopolitan magazine seriously, or for that matter worry about finding/getting/keeping Mr Right, but I have read enough girl magazines to know that those who do want to get married and have kids and have the kind of life we all believe we deserve that getting older and not having that, or even being close to having that, can make even the most well rounded of girls depressed or, worse, desperate.

But in my ever present job search I'm starting to see a lot, and I mean a lot, of the same exact advice for job seekers as there is for women on the man hunt. Here is the advice I've come across and see if it sounds like "get a man" advice or "get a job" advice:

Be confident.

Take the initiative.

Put yourself out there.

Be eager, but not too eager.

Showcase your skills and talents.

Follow up x amount of days after you meet.

If it doesn't work out, move on to the next opportunity immediately.

Any of the above phrases could fit in a dating or job seeking article. And in fact, aren't first dates interviews? Aren't you trying to make yourself seem as attractive as possible while judging whether or not the person sitting across from you is really the great fit you thought he was based on his resume/online dating profile? Aren't there questions you can ask and questions you can't ask, stories you can and should tell and stories you most definitely should not tell? Isn't there a specific dress code that, if not followed, could disqualify you for the position? Isn't it possible (or even likely) to come off as over eager or desperate for the job or boyfriend, scaring away a potentially beautiful match? Holy crap I'm making myself anxious, and I have a boyfriend! I also have a job, but unlike the boyfriend I'm hoping to upgrade A-SAP. 

Thing is, though, that this whole notion has been around a while. There are hundreds of articles that tell job seekers and boyfriend seekers why one is like the other and how to use the tactics in one to get what you want in the other. But both situations are entirely uncomfortable because we're only in them when we clearly want something. So we listen to the advice of those who say they've been there and know what it's like and we play by "the rules" thinking it'll help. And maybe it does for some, but for the rest of us? I for one am starting to feel like a stereotypical 29 1/2 year-old woman worrying about her uterus drying up and being terrified I'm scaring off great candidates with my desperation. 

Only it's not men and potential fathers I'm scaring off, it's a great job. But in a way, finding the right job is like finding the right father-for-my-future-kids to me. Finding a job that gives me more of a purpose is essential because I'm not planning on my "purpose" being motherhood. While other women have their kids, their homes, their husbands and their domestic lives to fulfill them, and possibly are more willing to put up with shit jobs in order to help make their real lives happen, I don't feel like putting up with a shit job when that's my main purpose. In place of motherhood I want my job to be meaningful, to make me feel like I'm doing something that will matter to others. I have no motivation to take the high paying soul sucking job with benefits because I'm not worried about paying for anyone else to go to college. I can be picky and demanding because I have that luxury.

And dammit here I am in the same boat as millions of women my age who are worrying about their rapidly emptying ovaries saying "but I'm ready, it's time, where is he?" about my non-existent future employer.

Fuck, I just realized I'm Ted.

Where I'll Be In A Year

When in doubt, post cats.

A year ago I took the job I'm currently in because I just could not stand working part time for barely above minimum wage and scraping money together for rent every month. Admittedly I told myself I'd take it despite it's major problems and just keep looking, and I've been very lax on that over the year. I certainly did not, however, think that I'd make it to my one year anniversary with the company. 

The good news is over the last few months the company has changed drastically and is heading in a very positive direction. The bad news is it's a struggle every day to communicate to the bosses how to run a successful company in the eyes of the public and the employees- dollar signs can get loud. Not to mention not all employees are treated the same and some are downright taken advantage of. That in itself makes me want to escape.

So, if I'm still here a year later, where will I be next April? There are still things I want to have accomplished by then which I thought I'd have started on by now... at least a class under my belt, if not an application in the works, have a savings, have a plan, and hopefully have a job I really, truly love. The last two weeks have been exhausting for no apparent reason... it's a battle to run even though my race is in two weeks (soooo disappointing... I wish I wasn't running), Sunday nights suck because it means a whole new week ahead of e doing the same thing over again, and honestly feeling like I can't do my job with the tools I have makes the week drag. 

I've been thinking a lot lately, mostly in response to my jealousy over my boyfriend's awesome job and schedule that lets him nap in the afternoons, that freelancing and working part time somewhere fun would keep me happy and financially stable. Thanks to 2010 I know I can live on very little income and now that I don't have a debt and am in a position to save a few months of living expenses in very little time that prospect isn't so scary. And that lifestyle would work very well if I went back to school next year. 

We'll see what the next year brings...

In Which I Am A Stereotype

Also, a girl.

No idea why this was the first girl I thought of.

In a twist that's mostly unlike me I'm feeling extraordinarily insecure about the world, my own life especially. I feel like I'm failing at most things and being mediocre at the rest and that in order to improve in any one area I need to give up another. Between working, training for a half marathon, the two blogs and job searching my time runs out so quickly. I'm tired constantly, have little energy and spending close to 12 hours a day working (or preparing to work) at a job that's emotionally tiring makes my enjoyable evenings fly by. 

It's disgusting how one of my coworker's is being treated and that I'm being used as a pawn to hurt her after I tried to step in and help, it's terrifying how one owner seems to be actively trying to run the company into the ground and it's frustrating to have been there a year with very little positive changes to the company. I don't have the tools to properly do my job, despite asking for them repeatedly, and have been told we're all expendable, which feels awesome. There is a silver lining to my job: I'm now in charge of the company's social media campaign in addition to writing, there are more promises of taking me off phone call duty (we'll see...), and one owner seems to really appreciate me. 

I loved running 15 months ago when I had only a part time job that I didn't have to get up early for and could do my running first thing, which I prefer but am much too tired to motivate myself to get up at 6. Now it's just an hour or more into my night that I could spend relaxing, cooking, cleaning, running errands, and keeping better tabs on this blog. I had more time to plan my meals to fuel my body and help it recover, could eat immediately and then rest after a long run, and had the energy to keep going without stopping for double digit miles. All of that is gone now. But even if I didn't have the blogs or didn't want to spend time with my boyfriend I wouldn't want my life to only consist of working and running- I don't like either that much. I miss when running was fun and having to do it makes it not fun.

On a daily basis I see people who have made their living from their blog or their passion (hell... I'm dating someone who's doing that) and I'm jealous. I read home remodeling blogs at work, follow people making a difference for animals on Facebook, watch my boyfriend become more successful doing what he loves and feel like I put in a lot of effort and time for something I don't care about, something that doesn't matter. I want to care about what I do, I want to work for a company that respects its employees and tries as hard as we do to make it into something great, and I'm not even asking or hoping to make a lot of money... just to sustain myself and live a modest life without worry. 

But a big part of my newfound insecurity is knowing that there are things I definitely want that I may not get. I've always wanted to get my Master's degree and for the last couple of years have wanted to pursue sociology, partially because it's a field I'm interested in that truly matters and partially because pursuing the field I really want is unrealistic, especially in this educational climate. As funds for higher education are being slashed left and right, as kids barely even have the tools they need to learn and compete in the world, my hope for returning to school while working is starting to fade. Classes at community colleges are being cut, which means the prerequisites I would need are few and far between, and student loans are at an all time high. It's not easy to be in school right now, and it's hard to imagine being in school while having a full time job on top of it- I couldn't even do that as a literature major in undergrad. Another thing I've (almost) always  known I wanted is to have someone I could build the kind of life one would build with a life partner (is it weird that "life partner" sounds less awkward than "husband?"), and as I get older I realize more that it's important to me. My sister recently moved in with her long term boyfriend and they got a puppy together, and while I'm exceedingly happy and excited for them both I can't help but hope I have a similar future. The up side is that for the first time in my life I'm with someone who doesn't come with a "but we'll have to break up eventually" addendum. Like the How I Met Your Mother episode, everyone seems to have a "but;" for the longest time that was "but he wants kids," and it's exciting to date without that on the table. But (ha, see?) it's also terrifying to feel strongly about someone else when I know what I want in my life. 

Hopefully the insecurities will fade quickly... taking care of my taxes this weekend will at least get that off my shoulders and if all goes well money won't be as big of an issue (at least I'll be saving for fun things). At the very least my race will be over in 5 weeks and after that I'll be able to look at running and going to the gym in a fun way because I'll want to do it, not because I have to. And, above all else, hopefully a better work opportunity will come my way soon.

Thinking About Money

Cat in a pile of money!

Today one coworker bought another coworker a Coke. The one buying the Coke doesn't make as much as the one receiving the Coke, and she also has 2 kids and can be heard on the phone talking with her fiance about money issues. The coworker receiving the Coke asked how much he owed her and you know what she said?

Don't worry about it.

As in, I just bought you a Coke and do not need you to pay me the $1.25 back. And do you know why? Because the cost of the Coke was so small it wasn't going to make a difference. Her exact words were:

I mean, it's not going to make me go broke.

Hearing her say those words made me feel pretty shitty about myself because I realized I'm selfish enough to know when I've spent $1.25 on someone else. I don't worry about things like that with close friends, my sisters, my roommate or my boyfriend because there's a regular give and take with those people, and something like five bucks, or even a meal or utility bill, aren't worth worrying about with those relationships. But I would remember buying a Coke for an acquaintance or coworker.

I really need to let go of my money worries. I'm constantly recalculating my finances trying to make sure I'll have enough for taxes and car insurance and have been living on a very strict budget since the beginning of the year in order to do so and worrying about money (which is way more fun now that gas prices have jumped 35 cents a gallon in 4 days) is exhausting. And depressing. I know I'm OK and I'm sure I'm going to make it, but I would have asked for that $1.25. Kinda makes me feel like a crappy person. 

I really want to not worry about money. I want to be the person who buys people Cokes, or even lunch, and says don't worry about it. To be the person who tips generously. To take friends out for celebrations on me. To give random presents. And I really, really want to look at the left side of the menu page before the right side, not let price dictate everything I do and be the first question I ask. 

The other want I have, however, is to do something with my life that I feel passionate about, something that's important to others and that might matter in a few years, or even decades. But I'm worried that I'll never be able to have both of those things... to feel like what I'm doing means something and to also not always be so worried about every dollar I spend. I know when I graduated with a writing degree that I said I would be OK with being poor, but if I'm already sick of it at 26 what am I going to do in ten years? My hope is that once large expenses stop I'll be able to save for accidents and unexpected expenses in the future. And then I'll have a buffer so I can stop worrying, and stop feeling bad for saving for fun things, like vacations and computers and bigger beds. 

I feel like I've been saying the word "someday" a lot.

A Case Of The Mondays

Well, the week got off to a great start.

Got my first paycheck of the year and lost almost twice what I expected to taxes. I now pay more money in taxes per month than I do for my rent, including the increase that takes place in April. Which is fucking nuts. The US tax code is wildly confusing- I've never gotten a tax return more than $400, and that was once when the $300 make work pay thing was in effect a couple of years ago, and last year I owed taxes despite working and having taxes taken out. Paying a quarter of my income in taxes seems like so much to me. I made more money than this in the past and got to see more of my paycheck then... where does it all go and how to other people get hundreds on their returns?


Add to that people were absolute bitches on the phone at work, going so far as to yell at me and hang up when I mentioned our minimum (FYI: you're going to pay good money for a remodel, you can't go calling around and say you want the cheapest thing possible and get mad when businesses tell you they like making money) and my headache from Saturday night that never truly went away, I had to remind myself a few times that I got to wake up with wonderfully warm arms around me and that my car wasn't damaged from the car fire parked right behind it (terrifying few seconds while I checked it out, though).


One thing I took away from my parents' marriage was to worry about money, even if there's no need. I've never not been worried about money. My life is in perpetual save mode: for the next 3 months I'll be saving for taxes (I'll just barely make it), and until July I'll also be saving for car insurance, which I most certainly will not make at this rate. I had planned on joining a gym this week to train for the non refundable half marathon I already signed up for but now that's an unnecessary expense I might not be able to justify, especially when I should be spending that same money on new running shoes.


Makes me wonder how a person working full time for a decent wage and relatively low rent and living expenses can feel like she's just making it. I've been just making it since... well, I've always been that way, from college to now, and my current rent is only $100 more than it was when it was its lowest. The only addition is a car payment (which is low enough to be affordable) and full coverage insurance (which is a bitch); other than that my lifestyle hasn't changed too much. I still eat rice and potatoes a lot, going out to eat means parting with $5, and my wardrobe hasn't changed since right before I got laid off 3 years ago. Granted, there's no way I would have been able to afford a new car or this level of insurance at any point in the last 3 years, but I'm working so much more now. Doesn't that make a difference?


The thing that scares me is I'll talk to a professional about my tax situation and be told that's just the way it is, whether or not I'm able to understand it. And if that's just the way it is and a quarter of my paycheck goes to taxes, I still won't get a return. And if this is all the case, why am I not doing something fun for work? Why do I sit inside and look at a computer 2 feet from my face for 8+ hours a day, 5 days a week? I was making more money per hour when I was happiest, when I had more energy, when I didn't hate Mondays. I thought I was getting ahead but now it feels like the more I try to move the more I stay exactly where I always was.


And I couldn't see the rain today. Being stuck inside in a fluorescent room with a computer sucks on beautiful days, but it also sucks on the rainy ones. I love the rain and don't get to see it enough here... I'd like to at least watch it out the window. Hope this season is another wet one so that eventually it'll rain all weekend and I'll get to see it.

Two Thousand Eleven

After the disappointment that was 2010 I decided 2011 was going to be better. It so fucking was.

First, it was a year overwhelmingly full of love. I fell in love with San Diego all over again, discovered a love for running (which I'm working on rekindling as the year closes), and fell ridiculously crazy in love with a wonderful friend who I absolutely cannot wait to spend the next year with. I love my neighborhood, my brat of a cat, my apartment with the bars on the windows, and my new car. I loved seeing my friends move on in adulthood and succeed, paying off the debt I'd carried around since graduation (one of my favorite accomplishments), and seeing my sister get serious with someone who's great for her.

I started off the year by participating in a flash mob. I enjoyed it a ton, even though my roommate got really sick the days leading up to it and wasn't able to do it with me and now that flash mobs are so last year, I can at least say I participated in one. For silliness.

Easily my biggest accomplishment for 2011 was finishing 3 half marathons, 2 5Ks and a 4 mile race for a total of 49.3 racing miles and who knows how many training miles. I bought two new pairs of running shoes, several pairs of dry wicking socks, a running jacket, shorts and an iPod and send a few hundred dollars on entry fees and transportation. I have a small stack of bibs, 3 finisher medals (one of which glows in the dark!), a bunch of safety pins and more technical t-shirts than I know what to do with. It's a good feeling, and when I continue in 2012 I'm gonna try to beat that 2 hour mark.

Probably my second biggest accomplishment for 2011 was not moving. That's right, I had the same address for a full year, something which seriously doesn't happen very often for me. One of my goals for 2012 (a ridiculously easy goal, at that) is to make this address the one I live in the longest in San Diego. I have absolutely no intentions of moving, and unless my roommate decides to buy a place she doesn't either. North Park certainly feels a lot more like home now, and I've learned to appreciate what it offers.

I also was able to find a job in my area, one in which I'm using my degree (and, for the most part, need it) and making a higher rate than I ever have, which, now that there's a car payment, still seems like I'm just getting by. My commute is short, my hours are good, my coworkers are a lot of fun to be around and my boss can be pretty generous when he wants to be. It may not be my dream job, and one goal for 2012 will be to find my dream job, but it's good for right now, and it's helping me learn a lot that's going to help me in the future.

This year was not without it's down moments, however. In a coincidental yet poetic turn of events, the day before my birthday, which just so happened to be a day before the 1 year anniversary of my dad officially cutting me out of his life, I went to his house and gathered the last of my belongings there. It was civil and very quick and I'm glad to have gotten it over with, but it has made the last few months extra full of anger and resentment. Every time I see an older woman with red hair I feel incredible hatred towards these perfect strangers. It's becoming difficult to understand how such hatred can exist in the same place as such incredible love.

It was also not a good year for electronics. My camera battery is 99% dead, and the minute or so that it holds a charge really isn't long enough to take and download even one picture. Also unfortunately, I don't think they make those camera batteries anymore (at 4 years old it might as well be ancient) so it looks like I might have to buy a new one. Lucky for me, however, I have my own personal photographer (ok, he's not my own personal photographer) who is usually willing to take my pictures for me, so buying a camera isn't an immediate need. My computer also took a turn for the worse- a laptop without a working screen isn't good for much. The weird thing is after all the shit I put that machine through it still works perfectly and is way faster than the one I've been borrowing for the last few months, except for the screen. A new MacBook Pro is very, very high on my list of things to buy once I pay taxes. Finally, though this isn't really an electronic, my trusty Hyundai Accent died, forcing me to buy a new car.

Other events this year included two cousin's weddings, a trip to Disneyland, discovering goodies at my farmer's market, the rapture, the return of 90s TV shows, learning to drive stick shift, paragliding, getting my 6th piercing, not cutting my hair (it's super long!), a power outage, and getting more fish. It's been a very full year, and I'm proud to say I achieved the goals I set for myself at the beginning. I'm also happy to be looking forward to 2012, taking steps to accomplish my new goals, and sitting with my boyfriend and a bucket of popcorn as we watch people flip out over the Mayan calendar prediction.