Everything Clever Comes From Reddit

 

I was having a conversation with some friends not long ago and we were discussing stories we'd heard about and articles we'd read (news, politics, economics, all very informed stuff). After several minutes, and once I realized that everything I had to contribute to the conversation was something I had read on Reddit, I remembered my friends probably also had found their information from Reddit. 

So when my turn came to contribute again, I said that I read on Reddit an article about whatever it was that we'd been talking about. One of my friends nodded and said that's where he'd seen it too. I figured we all knew we spend time on Reddit and most, if not all, of our intelligent conversation was coming from things we'd seen on the site, so we might as well just admit it. 

Which was kinda cool, in a way. Here we are, young professionals having a beer and talking about things that are going on in the world right now, all because we spend an hour or two (fine, fine, 6) browsing this one website. We're informed in politics, we have an educated opinion about the economy, we're aware of our environment and we care about events across the world. 

The other day I saw a picture of an engagement ring some guy had posted, asking for luck as he flew to another country to meet his girlfriend to propose. Some people had commented that he better hope she doesn't see it and the surprise is ruined, while others were offering suggestions on how he should actually propose, since he hadn't figured that part out yet. He said he figured she wouldn't see it, since she'd already been traveling for a week with friends and wouldn't have had the time to browse enough Reddit to see it (it wasn't on the front page, so it would have been unlikely she'd go through pages and pages to discover it), and that if she found out his brilliant or clever or romantic proposal came from some idea on Reddit she'd be OK with it because she already knew anything clever or interesting came from Reddit. And that's when I realized it's the same with me.

Kind of impressive to think that one website can have so much influence. Because I browse Reddit for at least a few minutes every day (some days much more) and subscribe to "subreddits" that I'm interested in, I'm up to date on things I care about. In fact, a lot of the articles I read on the site show up on Facebook and in the Huffington Post a day or two later. (Aside: I can usually tell which of my Facebook friends are Redditors based on the articles they post.) We're becoming a generation who is not only interested in what's going on outside of our immediate lives, but we have an opinion and sometimes we even care enough to do something about it. It's fantastic. 

Fuck yeah!

I really hope that this experience is turning us into activists who decide to not sit by and let bad things happen.... maybe that's just the idealism talking in me but it'd be nice to think that all of this information being spread around to all parts of the world has to have an impact on something. Right?

Why Pinterest Is So Popular

You should pin this image. Because it's beautiful.

It’s almost surprising that Pinterest was created so late in the game, and its popularity and massive growth isn’t surprising in the slightest. The social media site Pinterest is literally a collection of inspiring pictures that other people can like, share and collect. So ridiculously simple.

It also shouldn’t come as a big surprise that 80% of Pinterest’s users are female. Apparently we’re pinning (technical term) ideas for our weddings, tips on raising our kids, neat ways to clean and organize the house, room designs we love, food we want to eat, and funny e-card sayings that are so true (knowing this, is it surprising that the vast majority of Pinterest users aren’t college educated?). When you describe it that way it sounds pretty dumb, especially since I guarantee the vast majority of Pinterest users are not actually using the tips and ideas they’re pinning in real life, but as a Pinterest user I think the site is pretty great. And here’s why it’s become so damn popular in such a short amount of time:

It's exclusive.

This is how they get you. I don’t know what it is about being told no, but we simply cannot have it. If we’re told no, or even not yet, we must have that thing. Just watched the episode of Friends where Ross tells Joey not to go after his hot nanny which only made Joey want her even more. Similarly, when Google+ was by invitation only I had to join. Same with Pinterest. Don’t you dare tell me no! I swear, all sites should do this. Every time a site is like “join now!” I’m all, no. But tell me I have to request an invite and I’m all over it. It’s dumb, I know.

It's inherently girly.

From the layout to the font to the friendly "about" page and how-to tutorial, Pinterest is for the girls. Not to mention the name: Pinterest is very cute. You pin things you like to a pinboard like you used to do with photos of friends in college. I didn't live in the dorms in college but I'd imagine there weren't a whole lot of dudes with cork board photo collages. Plus, it's all about organizing things into lists! Girls love lists!

It has lists and you organize things into lists.

There's not a whole lot more that needs to be said about this attractive feature. It's really not just girls who love lists... we as human beings like to organize things. There are whole stores devoted to organization. Grocery stores are laid out in a very specific manner to appeal to our sense of organization. We just gotta put stuff where they belong. Maybe it's a control thing.

It's pictures.

The age of the internet has made us far more predisposed to pay attention to something if it has an image; blog posts and articles are less likely to be read if they do not have an image, Facebook posts with an image are more likely to be shared if they come with a photo, and our diminishing attention spans (is that really a thing or is it just the older generation being frustrated with the younger generation?) mean we can glance at a photo, gather its meaning, and move on within a second or two. Plus, pictures are pretty, and Pinterest is loaded with high quality photos for our eye candy pleasure.

It's got our friends, but it's also got cool strangers.

Pinterest encourages users to connect using Facebook or Twitter so that you can immediately follow your friends. Then, it recommends strangers for you to follow based on your interests. Anyone you automatically follow you can manually unfollow and you can pick and choose an individual's boards to follow. Basically, Pinterest combines the usefulness of all the other social networking sites and eliminates everything except the pictures and the comments: you have only the friends you like, plus strangers you have common interests with, and you share photos of things you already like. Freaking genius.

No wonder Pinterest became as popular as it did in as little time as it did. I started using Pinterest for work because they initially gave do-follow links back to the website hosting the image (we’d pin the image of our blog posts, getting a quality link back to help us rank better in Google search results). The point was to get as many other pins as possible because each was its own link back to our website, which was awesome. But then I started seeing stuff on there that made me realize I could start SEOing my own blog (not this one, since I do a lot of stealing from the internet for my photos [sorry, Internet]). I did this not to get the do-follow links, which are now no-follow, but to share the amazing recipes the boyfriend and I make with people who are predisposed to like it and use those techniques to expose as many people as possible to it. First, our recipes are almost exclusively easy to make and quite inexpensive, but they look fancy enough to photograph, which the boyfriend does very nicely. In short, our food blog is the perfect pin source. Now go pin things from it!

Why I Love The Oatmeal

As far as internet comedians go, The Oatmeal is easily one of my favorites. I started going to the website for the grammar and stayed for the ridiculousness.

The Oatmeal combines silly cartoons of dinosaurs (and other, non-extinct, animals) with intelligent observations on life. I mean, the guy made a guide on how to pet a kitty. And it's completely accurate. And hilarious! Outside of grammar my favorite comics are called Minor Differences. I look at them at work sometimes and have to try very hard to not literally lol (Part 4 is my favorite).

Also, I found out The Oatmeal is a runner. And not just the I'm-gonna-take-a-quick-jog type of runner. He ran a 50 mile ultra marathon. Through mountains. That's hardcore running.

So not only is The Oatmeal a funny and insightful comic, but he brings awareness of our wonderful language to the masses (if you use the wrong you're/your on Facebook you better believe I'm judging you) and he's apparently a very active person. Props to you, Mr. Oatmeal. And please post things more often.

Sabotage

Blogger, why do you sabotage the posts I want most? I spent 45 minutes writing a detailed story and it should have autosaved several times while I was writing, and especially should have saved when I clicked "save now." It's true I wasn't planning on publishing my story now (possibly ever), but I wanted it anyway. I wanted it for personal reasons, in case someday I felt it was time to publish. It was mostly for my own records, for whatever impulse in me decided I needed to write, and I'm deeply hurt that you took matters into your own hands, so far that you not only failed to do a basic function I regularly count on, but you blatantly ignored a very, very basic instruction. Both of those disappointments combined caused me to lose a long piece, one which I poured much emotion into and one which I'm sad and angry to have lost.

I've tried recovering it through my history, but my history is incomplete. I also closed my browser window after incorrectly assuming my story had successfully saved, so anything I could have saved is gone. Blogger, you've left me adless, and now for the second time you've left me without a personal story that I really wanted despite my efforts to keep it. If you're not going to keep the things I save why would I write drafts?

And now I'm just angry. I write things I want and you delete them. But I've been using your service for 2 years and it's free and my readers know this site. I like the layout, it's easy to use and I'm comfortable here. But why that post? Why that article, which I wanted for myself so much?

I'll rewrite it, but not here. Since it's really going to be mine I'll keep it offline, to myself. Blogger, you disappoint me.

Sometimes I'm Right

Every now and then I go to my guilty-pleasure website, The Frisky. I do so mostly for the Dear Wendy, but I also read the articles. One writer, Jessica, really bugs me. She's highly dramatic and she has a "no apologies" kind of attitude. About 2 years ago she wrote she found the man she would marry, after a month of dating the guy, and moved in with him and his best friend within 3 months. They told the world. Literally. For 2 years she blogged about how happy she was that she found the love of her life, the man she would marry, how sure they both were that they'd spend the rest of their lives together, how every mistake in her life was now OK because it led her to this guy.

See where this is going?

Yep, he dumped her. According to her blog post, it was sudden and unexpected. She decided not to post the dirty details out of respect for his privacy (oh yeah, and she also still hopes they'll get back together and doesn't want the dirty laundry to make her look bad later) but did in another post describe how it took him a week to kick her out and less than 2 weeks to go on a date with a girl he apparently had been e-mailing and flirting with. I'm gonna draw my own conclusions.

The reason I thought this deserved writing about is because I want some record somewhere to state that I CALLED IT FIRST! Two years ago, when she was ecstatically writing about moving in with Mr. Wonderful, I knew this day could not be too far away. I don't know what it is, but when you start blabbering on about how wonderful this love is, how no one else could possibly know what it's like to be this much in love, how you're both sure you'll get married and have babies and live happily ever after, how you're "practically engaged anyway," how you can't imagine living with any other person in any other way, how happy you are to be in love and how much you now pity your single friends and "just hope you find the same happiness I did (even though no one can possibly know what this feeling is like because you're not with this man)," I know it's not going to last.

And you know what? My whole life I've been right. So, Jessica, I don't even feel bad for you. It sucks that this boy broke your heart and went after another girl not even two seconds after kicking you out of the house you rented with him, but maybe next time you'll keep your lovey-dovey to yourself and not go proclaiming what your relationship is before you've even reached that step. Painful lesson to learn for sure, but it's high time you learned it.

Grammar And The Internet

If this guy ever comes into your lunch place, run.

I recently (and by recently I mean several weeks ago, I just forgot to publish this post) finished reading a grammar book called Eats, Shoots & Leaves, by Lynne Truss. Though it may sound nerdy, it was actually very funny. Even the title is a joke:

A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air. "Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes towards the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder. "Well, I'm a panda," he says, at the door. "Look it up." The waiter turns to the relevant entry in the manual and, sure enough, finds an explanation. "Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."

Get it??? Pandas eat shoots and leaves (you know... bamboo) but the manual incorrectly used a comma in between eats and shoots so the panda ate, shot and left! Ha ha!

Anyway, the rest of the book was fun to read. But towards the end I did find a funny problem, and it had nothing to do with the fact that this book is about English English and I'm an American (though I could adapt to English English very quickly as I already use some of the un-American grammar described in the book). The book was first published in 2003 when personal computers and access to high speed Internet was first fully mainstream. So when I was starting college, buying my first laptop and becoming fluent in what Truss (and others) have dubbed "Netspeak" she (and others) were trying to make sense of this chatting and texting business that seems to have forgotten all about grammar. Which is perfectly understandable. When something comes along that changes life as we know it so dramatically (do you remember the time before the Internet?) those who were not only used to the previous way of life but who made a living in that previous way of life must be a little reluctant to adapt to these new ways. Especially if that previous way of life was proper English grammar and those who made a living in that previous way of life were grammar sticklers (we call them Nazis). Texting and chatting shorthand must drive them up the wall. However, this paragraph made me lol:

I've just spotted a third reason to loathe emoticons, which is that when they pass from fashion (and I do hope they already have), future generations will associate punctuation marks with an outmoded and rather primitive graphic pastime and despise them all the more. "Why do they still have all these keys with things like dots and spots and eyes and mouths and things?" they will grumble. "Nobody does smileys any more."

HAHAHA, Ms. Truss, how little you knew. Welcome to 2011, where the emoticon is not only still just as popular but often absolutely necessary. No matter how effective of a writer you are, it's still nearly impossible to get the proper tone across when dealing with a sensitive issue (or just teasing, as I've come to learn) in a short text message. Plus, it facilitates flirting a whole hell of a lot.

Though I have to agree with Truss on other annoying means of emphasis. Exclamation points are not to be used in every sentence and certainly should not be over-used (which I find is a symptom of the older generations!!!), all caps means YOU ARE YELLING AT ME (which just makes me ANGRY), and italics and dashes (oh god, and ellipses, please please please do not use ellipses after every half thought) need to be pulled out only when necessary. But then again, I'm the kind of person who writes full and completely punctuated text messages, judges those who don't, and has a hard time deciphering poorly written and badly punctuated corporate emails.

But an interesting thing has occurred in recent months; a new form of emphasis has been adopted by the younger generation (younger being those still in high school, a whole ten years younger than me) which involves retyping the last letter of a word to emphasize that word. "I love you" is now "I loveeeeeee you" and it means "I love you very much." This would make sense with a word like "so": "I love you sooooooo much" is something people actually say IRL. People don't actually say "loveeeeeee." You can't even pronounce that because the "e" is silent. But, and here's the logical kicker, you could say "loooooove." Quite often now I see on Facebook, "I'm veryyy exciteddd!" I can only assume that some kid somewhere knew enough to figure out that some words can be emphasized by retyping the last letter in that word (like "so"), but didn't know enough to know that it doesn't work with every word (like "very"). But it caught on anyway. During a chat once I actually mentioned to a friend my appreciation for his knowledge of the difference between words that can be emphasized that way and words that can't. He wrote, "I'm reeeeeally looking forward to..." when he could have written "I'm reallyyyy looking forward to..." So I thanked him. And to my surprise he knew exactly what I meant and said it annoys him too. Halleluja!

I doubt the new emphasis of retyping the last word will stick on, and if it does I hope it will stay among the younger generations (I hope people grow out of that and we're not reading corporate emails with "very importantttttt" in the subject line), but I like that the Internet is causing trends to be born at this quicker rate. Truss mentions that in the time before the Internet it was near impossible to add a new punctuation mark, and even if one got approval from the grammar gods it was hardly used and would likely not become mainstream. I think if an idea is good enough it will stick around long enough and with access to all the ideas out there at our fingertips we have an opportunity for communication that would never have been possible otherwise.

Reddit

There are 2 methods of asking others, in real life, if they're Redditors:

1: Act completely serious and somewhat inquisitive, as if you're about to impart basic yet valuable information. "Do you go on Reddit?"

2: Weigh weather or not asking will make you seem like a complete nerd, decide it's worth it, and ask, "Do you go on Reddit?"

There are 3 responses, and 3 reactions.

Response 1: "Yes! I love Reddit! OMG today did you see the picture of the parrotlet hiding in the hoodie? So funny!"

Reaction 1: You both now share something special that you didn't know you shared.

Response 2: "Um, well, I know what it is but I don't go there."

Reaction 2: They think you're kind of weird (if they didn't already) and you now have to either explain why Reddit is awesome (which never really works) or drop the subject entirely.

Response 3: "What's that?"

Reaction 3: You now have to either explain what Reddit is (which isn't easy) and why it is awesome (which, again, never really works) and then explain why it ties into what you were talking about, or drop the subject entirely.

You always hope for Response/Reaction 1.

Not long ago I was hanging out with my lady and our friend used Method 1 to broach the Reddit subject. I gave Response/Reaction 1 and my lady was somewhere between Response/Reaction 1 and 2. She wasn't a Redditor but knew lots about it since I talked about it all the time. Now she's a Redditor too! (To be fair, all three of us are more lurkers.)

Tonight I broached the Reddit subject using Method 2. I was slightly nervous I would get Response/Reaction 3, and then be a total nerd (and not the cool kind) as I tried miserably to explain the very weird amalgamation of news and cartoons and science and pictures and inside jokes that is Reddit. Luckily, I got somewhere between 1 and 2: he is a Redditor but seemed thrown off by my asking.

When I learn someone is a Redditor I like them that much more. When my friend asked if we were Redditors I nearly jumped in the air with excitement. Someone automatically gets approval points for mentioning Reddit, and someone I don't know well I'll want to know better. I feel like there are others out there, everywhere, who do what I do, like the world is much smaller than it seems.

Thanks, Redditors.

Moving To Canada

If I ever become Canadian I'm getting this tattoo. I think I've said this before...

Canada is looking better and better the more I learn. Two news stories between yesterday and today made me absolutely disgusted with America.

The first was a story about the Canadian Radio-television and Telecommunications Commission (CRTC) decision to not alter wording in a regulation that prohibits the broadcast of false or misleading information. Canada actually has a rule that says you can't fucking lie on TV or radio. Apparently this whole thing is being called into question because back in 1992 (yeah, almost 20 years ago) some guy said the Holocaust never happened and argued that his right to freedom of expression meant he couldn't be charged for disseminating false information. Now they want to change the wording so it only applies to broadcasters who know the information is false or misleading and when "reporting it was likely to endanger the lives, health or safety of the public." But that's not journalism; anyone who uses his or her position in the broadcasting industry to deliberately report false or misleading information, especially when it could cause damage to lives or industry, should at the very least lose his or her job and possibly even be jailed, depending on how severe of a lie it is. It is the responsibility of journalists, in radio, print and TV, to double check the accuracy of the statements and stories they report and be confident enough to stand behind their research. This new wording would allow someone to report misleading or inaccurate information and hide behind the "I didn't know it wasn't true" loophole. If journalists aren't doing their jobs where does that leave us?

Enter Fox News.

Widely touted as the "only fair news source" by right-wing crazies who insist our president is an African-born Muslim (also the Antichrist... are they still on that?), Fox News has been caught red handed in a number of lies, the most recent one in which the president, Roger Ailes, convinced a number of employees to lie to Federal investigators about an affair that would have embarrassed Ailes buddy Rudy Giuliani in his presidential bid. Fair and balanced? Oops.

Canada calls Sun TV News "Fox News North" for it's "fair and balanced" agenda, and it's easy to see the connection with a tag line like "Hard news and straight talk." Sun TV has been trying to get into Canada, and this new rewording of the regulations would allow them to hide behind the law in their attempts at creating chaos. Here in America we have 2 parties who will do anything to embarrass the other, creating a near-impossible situation for genuinely fair reporting. Luckily, the people of Canada have spoken up against this rewording; they don't need or want lies over their airways.

The second story making me want to move to Canada is one from the good ol' US of A. Turns out 4 years ago House Democrats started a Green the Capitol movement to start environmentally friendly habits. According to their website they've saved nearly 1,500 trees in 2009 just by sending electronic faxes, 46 million gallons of water each year from using low-flow toilets, and 240,000 meals every month served with compostable utensils. Now that the Republicans are in control they're saying "the new majority, plastic ware is back." The good news is not all of the green measures are getting cut, but many are. Compostable utensils are out because they're not strong enough (which I don't get because I used compostable utensils all the time at the Park and they were great), but LED lights get to stay. The bottom line is many environmentally friendly habits end up saving money while also reducing our carbon footprint. Cutting them because they have an up-front cost and opting for initially cheaper (but with higher long-term costs) isn't saving anyone any money. I can't help but feel like taking away green initiatives are more about the Republicans asserting their authority and pissing off the Democrats simply because they can, neener neener neener.

It's so hard to read or hear any piece of news without being skeptical. I find myself asking who's behind the story, what angle are they working and who benefits from this information. It's not about informing the public, no matter which side is doing the talking. It's about being better than the other side. And it's getting embarrassing.

On the other hand, Canada does have one blemish I'm really disappointed about: metered Internet. WTF CANADA? Since when is this an option? We have unlimited calling and texting but now you're trying to take away unlimited Internet? This means people will not have access to basic websites if they can't afford the flash that website decides to put up. Of all the things there is now to fight for, if the US decides to follow in our northern neighbor's footsteps I will protest that to the end. I can't imagine our president, who uses fucking YouTube to broadcast his weekly address to the public, would support limiting who can visit certain websites, but I didn't even know this could ever be an issue. (Though to be fair, I also didn't know we had to have laws that say you can't broadcast a lie, so now I just don't know what to think.)

I never thought, in this day and age, in this country, that we'd be dealing with some of the issues we're dealing with. They just seem so... duh.

Somehow This Is Legal

This is how I feel.

So there's this law firm that is reserving their special place in hell early. They're buying up images that have gone viral and then tracking down and suing not just those who use those images (in blogs or personal websites) without written permission but the people who are commenting on them.

Somehow this is legal.

My hope is that the Internet, now that it knows about this, will act as a super hero, will take these guys down, and make this very obvious trap illegal. But that might not happen, since there's this loop hole that financially benefits the government. This isn't what America is all about, guys. I could very, very easily get sued (and possibly settle) for thousands of dollars for posting a picture on this blog without written consent of the owner of that image (assuming the owner is Righthaven), even though I'm not gaining anything financially from the blog or the image. Blogger's refusal to "monetize" my site could give me a leg to stand on in court, but ultimately still isn't doing me much good. And they can apparently do this without first contacting the hoster, blogger, individual and asking them to remove the image. They can just serve you out of the blue. Fucking assholes.

I think this Farker summed it up pretty well:

Jesus, now I desperately want to find places that will let me post the goatse pic, and tubgirl and lemonparty, and all the rest of the rogue's gallery. Then when they sue me, I insist that it goes to court so that they can plead with the jury to give them royalties because they own those pictures and want to protect their interest in them. I wanna blow up the pic of goatse man to wall-sized and introduce it as an exhibit, then make their experts stand next to it while they testify that AssholeLawyers.com owns this fine image, and they deserve payment any time someone posts it. Then when I lose they can get in line behind about twenty credit card companies and Sallie Mae for their big fat wad of negative equity that is my current estate.

This, and I really want them to sue 4chan. Really really really want them to. The word "epic" would be dwarfed into invisibility by the epic nature of the attack that would follow. –dahmers love zombie

TOE HAIRS! God, I'm weird.

Just to be safe, I might just start posting pictures of my cat, even if the post has nothing to do with cats. *Sigh*

Pretend War

And this was attached to an article on NPR censorship. HA!

It's becoming more and more difficult to believe the Westboro Baptist Church really is (or believe they are) an organization dedicated to God, and not just the biggest and meanest trolls in America. On the one hand, they're all members of the same inbred Kansas family so who knows what their collective IQ is and what they're brainwashed to believe, and if they really are the extreme extremists they present themselves as they could very well fully believe everything they preach. But on the other hand, they're so extreme extremists that it's absurd; there's absolutely no connection whatsoever between the Bible and the things they shout from the media rooftops. And I don't know which I hope they are: if they're retarded fundamentalists it's scary that one family can cause so much pain and suffering to other families and believe God will reward them for it, but if they're just trolling for funzies that would make them so very, very bad it's hard to believe.

The whole reason I'm starting to think the WBC might just be an evil troll is their most recent ploy for attention. A letter was posted at AnonNews.org addressed to the WBC essentially saying the collective people (anonymous) are sick and tired of the WBC hiding their atrocious actions behind free speech and it's time the WBC put an end to everything this year or else face being hacked into oblivion. Naturally the WBC posted a response letter saying "bring it" and citing a bunch of random Bible verses. And now God hates fags and lousy hackers.

And here's the kicker: both letters were written by Westboro Baptist Church to incite a war with the sole goal of being in headlines for a few weeks (and possibly sue potential hackers for money, but I have no idea how all that hacking stuff works). So Anonymous (the real deal this time) issued a statement saying nice try, "don't call us, we'll call you." Which is kind of too bad, because I was really looking forward to the WBC being hacked into oblivion. But I guess it's good, because Anonymous comes out better in the end. They've shown that the WBC is a lying sack of AWing shit and are going to ignore them and tackle some more important issues. Like how half the world is protesting their governments right now and millions are being killed.

Having just learned of Anonymous and its purpose, I'm proud that it exists. Go Internet underdogs! But at the same time I'm disappointed that it has to exist. Between WikiLeaks and the ongoing cover-up fiasco and large financial institutions deliberately falsifying information to embarrass rivals for financial gain (see here) it's embarrassing for Americans that the giant corporations that run our country are acting like 5th graders. Aren't we better than this?

Subliminal Advertising

You know you gonna buy that Hershey's syrup.

I think Facebook is trying to tell me something.

A while back Facebook decided the ads on profiles should be somewhat relevant. If you didn't like an ad you could remove it and were given a list of reasons to choose from to state why you didn't agree with the ad, from it being irrelevant to it being spam. So it's gotten a little better. At least now I'm not seeing ads for getting pregnant (but then again, now my status is single; at least Facebook isn't encouraging single motherhood).

But, now it seems Facebook thinks I need a boyfriend. Here's a sample of the ads on my profile:

Are you simple or sexy? Take a style quiz to determine your perfect fashion preference. I'm not sure I need an online quiz to determine if I'm simple or sexy. Everything I own is comfortable; there is nothing in my closet (except for one pair of heels I bought for a Halloween costume) that is fashion before comfort. The website is all about shopping celebrity and designer fashions and analyzing your style. Is this suggesting I need to update my style if I have any hope of getting a boyfriend? Kind of feels like it, especially when the next ad I see is:

Make him addicted to you. Learn the "secret psychology" to making a man fall in love with you and hooking him into a long term relationship. (Facebook says I've been single too long.) The website is run by a married woman who claims these secrets helped her save her relationship and turn it into a 20-year marriage. And you could too! All you have to do is sign up for membership and you'll attract men like magnets. There was a similar ad a few weeks ago promising to hook your man forever just by saying one thing. I couldn't help but guess that one thing was "I swallow." And if these tricks fail, there's always:

Earn a UCSD MBA. If you can't go slut and the "secret psychology" doesn't work there's always the nerds. Go for higher education and maybe you'll meet a nice man in class. It's like what college for women used to be before we realized we kick ass: go to college to spend some time not living with mom and dad, graduate with an engagement ring and spend the rest of your life forgetting anything you might have learned in those 4 years. But you can't go all CEO because ball busting women are just not sexy. However, these methods for grabbing your man could fail, and you might as well give up. Hence:

San Diego bucket list. At the very least I can live a full life doing fun things in my city alone. Manless. But there's one saving grace. The URL includes the words "living social," which tells me it's yet another means of meeting potential men. However, when I go to the website I find the best daily deals for Washington DC. Um, Facebook? I live in San Diego. I've never even been to Washington DC. Or Washington state, for that matter. I'm not looking to meet a man not in San Diego. If I were, well, I think everyone knows that story.

Ode To The Internet: A Tradition

Old news: I move a lot.

Newish news: Every time I do, I miss the Internet so much I decide to dedicate a post to all things wonderful about it.

I probably wouldn't have done so with this move, but this wait for the Internet has been the most brutal yet. My new roommate and I planned ahead specifically because we didn't want exactly what happened to happen. We discussed our internet options, chose a carrier, made the call, ordered the supplies, and two days after move-in a box arrived and we had our modem. I excitedly texted her to say I would set it up and get everything working. It was better than Christmas.

And that's when bad things started to happen.

Seconds after I got the box open I saw a letter with GIANT BOLD LETTERS instructing us to not install it until our installation date and time. It was a week away from December 1st and my heart jumped at the thought of having to wait a whole week, after we'd been so careful. Scrolling the page for a date, my stomach sank when I found it: December 7th, 8pm. Not one week away, but TWO FUCKING WEEKS AWAY! It made no sense. I frantically texted my roommate again explaining the situation, hoping she'd have some magical answer to make what I read irrelevant. Alas, it was not the case.

In an attempt to get around this ridiculous installation date, she called our carrier (AT&T, we'll see about you) to try to enlighten them of the fact that we've received our modem and would not only like to set it up now, but like to pay for a whole two more weeks of service. And the bastards said no.

Finally, after two weeks of being frustrated with my phone's limited capabilities, bringing my computer over to every friend's house with wireless (and, in a show of desperation, even one that didn't), and going to coffee shops and buying a tea in exchange for the interwebs (which is all in all a very pleasant experience, save for the terrifying 2 minutes in the bathroom hoping no one would steal my POS laptop because I just had to pee and the thought of packing everything up to go 10 feet away seemed ridiculous), December 7th arrived. I sent another excited text to my roommate (and maybe a few other people...) and happily began preparing dinner, waiting for 8pm to come.

It came. The Internet, however, did not. I felt so helpless. It had been set up by my roommate's friend and she wasn't even home and I was starting to lose it. I didn't know what to do. A whole night went by with us, again, internetless. Which is not to say it was a bad night. On the contrary, we ate enchiladas, drank wine, watched TV and played cards. But when I woke up I was determined: I would have internet today. I braved the angry howls of my roommate's cat, who was hiding under her bed and letting me know my intrusion into her territory was most unwelcome, to check all the connections. Everything was solid. Again, I felt helpless. I was ready to call AT&T and let them know of my frustrations when my roommate came home on her lunch break and tried a different phone jack.

IT WORKED!!!

But there's a problem: the other phone jack is in the living room, and she needs everything set up in her room for her desktop, which does not have a wireless card. With a non-functioning phone jack in the room the Internet needs to be in, the Internet Ordeal is not over. As a temporary solution, there are very long cables connecting the modem and router from the phone jack in the living room to the desktop in the bedroom. It's not pretty, but it's functional, and that's about all I'm concerned with right now.

And so I have my Internet. My fun (Reddit, Fark, Damn You Autocorrect), my love (this here blog) and my sustainability (back to the job hunt) are back. No more stealing a connection from the neighbors, no more shitty loading times when trying to watch a video and no more disconnect from the world. I'm back online, and I love the Internet.

In Which I Am A Porn Star

You read that right.

This week 3 different friends mentioned they not only read this little blog of mine but actually look forward to new posts. Yay! Then I get a random e-mail from The Ex letting me know of some exposure I've been getting, including Reddit and an Indonesian porn site.

I was wondering how on Earth my blog was associated with porn, seeing how I don't even write about it, so I did some googling. Turns out Lindsay Marie is a platinum blonde porn star, and she posed with some of her Indonesian coworkers.

So, Lindsay Marie is an up and coming porn star. (Also, me, the snarky writer, but I don't turn up when you google my name...) Her biography says, "you could call me the multi-talented model" because she can cook and sew, and walk and chew gum at the same time. She also likes to call herself a nude model, rather than porn star, maybe because I didn't find any videos of her. She was an extra in some short non-porn film some years ago, but her popularity is down 27% on IMDB...

Gotta say, though, she looks pretty good in a pair of jeans. Here you go, boys, and I even included a link to her website so don't say I never did anything for you.

I'm not much for bottle blondes, but she's not too shabby.

Thanks for reading!

I Heart The Internet

The Internet is a series of tubes.

A friend of mine says I'm addicted to my computer. And I guess he's right, but really I'm only addicted to my computer when it's connected to the Internet. I think the worst thing about moving is not having the Internet for a few days. No Facebook, Fark, Netflix, or, worst of all, Blogger. The new roommate has a laptop but doesn't use wireless Internet, so it's on me to figure out how to make the old roommate's router work (still doesn't, BTW). Luckily, a couple of neighbors have unprotected routers, so I do have enough of a signal to access previously mentioned websites, even though not usually for enough time to get through an episode of Californication uninterrupted.

Point being, now I at least have some useful Internet and can feel connected to the world again. I can write, I can post those pictures to Facebook that I kept meaning to do, I can make fun of idiots around the world, and I can watch at least some Netflix. So get ready for an influx of posts I've wanted to write for at least 2 weeks but couldn't until now.

Hooray!

Ode To The Internet

Internet, I missed you so much last week and I hope to never spend another day without you. I missed my usual sites, missed knowing what my friends were up to every hour, missed that it was the radio who told me JD Salinger died, missed silly cat pictures, missed writing, and missed the ability to instant message. You are wonderful.

But please don't be under the impression that I acknowledge your wonderfulness simply because I was deprived of you for a week. No no, I always knew you were wonderful. I knew what I had before I lost it, I didn't need a week without to know how amazing you are. It wasn't my intention to leave for a week, and I hope we'll never have to part again. Plus, it was just bad luck that my Blackberry wasn't working properly the same week I was disconnected from you, but I learned from the experience and I promise to ensure my phone is in good working condition if I ever have to part from you for more than a few hours.

And so, Internet, I've begun catching up on the things I've missed and will be back to writing about silly, stupid or consequential things that annoy me in no time. I'm so glad to have you back.

Geeks, Animals and the Internet

Because no one else gets the joke.

There are a million and one ways to waste extreme amounts of time on the Internet. Fark, Reddit, Fail Blog, I Can Has Cheezburger, Post Secret and Facebook must now make room for It Made My Day and Very Demotivational. There goes productivity. Funny thing is 4 of those are owned by the same dude... Funnier thing is I like this humor so much that I just bought this t-shirt. Probably the dorkiest $15 I've ever spent. Who knew there was a whole store dedicated to merchandise from the very websites I love most? They have make-a-lol refrigerator magnets!!! Speaking of demotivational posters:

If crap like this can be published, inspire a hit movie series, and become a teen phenomenon, your crap can, too.

My thoughts exactly. So what if writing teen romance novels is whoring myself out? Gonna have to pay the bills somehow, and if this is what brings in the money then so be it. Get one or two of these out and I'll be able to support myself while I write something that matters a little more. Or maybe pay off student loans (once I finally get my masters). Or maybe, if I hit the market just right, I can rescue all the unwanted and uncared for elephants in the country. Not too ambitious, is it?

It's for you.

I wonder if the reason I don't know what I really want to do is because the only thing I've ever really wanted to do was be a vet. That's pretty much out of the question at this point, but I still know taking care of animals is something I need to do. I want to volunteer at the Fund for Animals rehab center in Ramona, but work keeps getting in the way. I originally wanted to do this in order to get back in the Education department at the Park, but now I'm rethinking that, too. Behavior sounds like loads of fun, and it would teach me so much about animal habits, personalities and quirks. Volunteering at the rehabilitation center would teach me about care and handling, and I could go back to school for the biology of animals, or maybe ecology. Honestly, when I look at my life 20 years down the road, I see me still actively writing, but maybe mostly animal or research oriented (except for that trashy teen novel), and a house full of animal residents both permanent and temporary. I'm positive helping animals is my calling, I'm just not positive how to go about doing that in the most effective way yet. All I know for sure is my future will involve getting my masters, writing, and taking care of animals. There has to be a way to do all this and support myself, right?